I (22M) started working about an year ago, and since then, I have been able to afford many good things I wanted to afford for myself, as earlier I couldn’t because my family couldn’t afford them for me.
I have been an avid gamer since I was a kid, and so I recently bought a PS4 for myself. Apart from my work, most of my time is spent playing that. Now, my sister (16F) is also very interested in gaming, and while I am back from office, she too comes back from her school and when I am busy gaming on my system, tells me she also wishes to use my PS4. Yesterday, I shouted at her, and told her that it’s my system, so better not bother me for letting her use it.
This sent her go crying in her room after which my mum (50F) and dad (52M) came to me saying that it was quite rude and “selfish” of me to behave like this. My dad said he feels upset when I don’t let him use my car to go the market for buying things. I told him that my car already travels so much the whole day that I don’t find it appropriate to let him use it, too. To which, he started saying that I am too self-centred because I care more about driving here and there with my friends, for fun, rather than sometimes caring about my father and letting him use it sometimes too.
And he said that even if he has his own car! Just that his one isn’t doing very good recently. Its engine often crashes while he is taking it to somewhere, and although he has tried to get it fixed many times, I doubt that it could be fixed permanently, but he isn’t letting that happen thinking he has his son’s car to use so needs not spend money on his own car.
Then when I told them that I have more right than anyone else, to decide how and who uses my things, they started emotionally manipulating me regarding how I don’t seem to care about the family’s welfare, how I always am busy “enjoying” gaming while there are many issues they are facing on their own, how I don’t talk to them much, yada yada. This escalated to a point where they started talking about how before I started earning, even I wasn’t able to afford a PS4, and how we all financially struggled back then but shared all our things, my sister used to share her things back then, yada yada.
I let them speak but was irritated at the fact that they can’t empathize with how much pressure I am facing at work, and that gaming and hanging out with friends are the only things that keep me happy under such stress. I hate it how they were demonizing these things and how they were emotionally manipulating me to get an edge over me.
I have decided I am not gonna change because it’s my right to decide whom to lend my things. But have been doubting if I am doing the right thing. How do I deal with them if they seem rigid at their mindset?
Tl;dr: Sister wishes to use my gaming system and parents wish to use my car for their own interests and I don’t wish to lend them these. Parents get upset when I say my things are mine, and tell me it’s rude and start emotionally manipulating me. I don’t wish to listen to them. How to deal with these family members in this situation?
6 comments
Question: do you pay rent?
You are 22, and apparently earn enough to be financially independent from your parents. The best way to end the arguments – and keep your precious stuff out of the hands of your family members – is to move out of their home. Even if you need to find a roommate or two, I think you’ll find the adjustment to living with strangers easier than living at home. At least you won’t have to fend off guilt trips from roommates, when you tell them you don’t want them using your personal property. So start making plans to spread your wings, and fly away from the nest!
I started working just an year ago,
I have been able to afford many things I know,
I am an avid gamer, I bought a PS4,
Most of my time is spent on that, I’m sure,
But now my sister wants to use my system too,
I shouted at her, and told her what to do,
My mum and dad came to me and said,
It was quite rude and selfish of me to be in bed,
My dad said he feels upset when I don’t let him use,
My car to go to the market, and I refused,
I told him my car travels so much, I don’t find it right,
To let him use it, he said I’m self-centred, I might,
He has his own car, but it’s not doing very well,
It often crashes, and he can’t fix it, it’s hell,
He has his son’s car to use, so he doesn’t spend money,
On his own car, but he’s wrong, that’s not funny,
They started emotionally manipulating me, and said,
I don’t care about the family’s welfare, I’m in bed,
I always am busy enjoying gaming, they say,
While there are many issues they face, I’m away,
I hate it how they demonize these things, and how,
They emotionally manipulate me, it’s a row,
I have decided I’m not going to change, it’s my right,
To decide whom to lend my things, that’s in sight,
But I’ve been doubting if I’m doing the right thing,
How do I deal with them, if they seem rigid in their mindset,
I don’t know, I’m stuck, I need some help, I must admit.
You need to move to your own place
You live rent free. You only make a cup of tea. No chores? No bills? No rent?
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Let sister play when your out (nice to find a two player game) and let dad borrow the car now and then.
OP sounds like you are looking to cut ties and move out…all relationships are transactional and you don’t want to give more than the bare minimum….since that’s the case move out and let your family know that’s the case…that way you don’t have to expect them using your stuff or you for favors/chores…but that also means you don’t have access to them either…relationships are two way streaks that success to each party is based on what they put into it..