Context:
So, there is a girl I like, we’ll call her T. T and I -have- had a fwb relationship for quite a few months now. We’ve gotten very close and pretty much talk every day. T and I don’t live in the same state, we have about half of the US between us. We communicate through Discord and it’s how we always communicate with each other. She has told me a lot of the personal trauma that has afflicted her, how she has a “kid-mode” she reverts to for her safe space. I’m not going to share what happened to her, but it’s not something a woman would want to experience. Even despite her trauma, she has been comfortable sharing and giving me nudes and places a tremendous amount of trust on me. One of the things I recall her saying is “I don’t know how you got me to trust you so easily”(Not an exact quote, but I earned her trust within about a month). Since then, she has shared all of the personal history she is comfortable sharing and comes to me. So, I place a great importance on her feelings and trust. We get sweet on each other, and I tell her how I am going to go to her and meet her in person.
We had a discussion/argument, she called off the fwb thing off and we’re giving each other some space. The discussion/argument we had was about her still talking to her Ex. I am not comfortable about her talking to her Ex, who also is a friend of hers as well from high school. I shared my feelings about her talking to her Exes, and she said that it isn’t easy to stop talking to them, that she still has some of her things, and at some point, plans to give it back to them. After sharing my discomfort, she tried to console me that there isn’t anything going on between them and on the second time she spoke up to the Ex for me, explaining that she told him “Between T and I there is a chance of our fwb relationship growing into something more.”
I finally decided to confront the Ex when I see something pop up on her screen when she was looking at sex toys. This can obviously be taken out of context, but their entire conversation was also about sex toys.
It said, “Or do you want to be dommed first, I can switch? “. I saw that and confronted the Ex personally. Here is the entire transcript, exact 1:1 of our brief talk.
*Me-Hey C, i’m watching T’s stream. I know she told you that her and I are trying to develop our relationship into something more serious.*
*So, if you could not ask “Or do you want to be dommed first? I can switch?” I appreciate that thanks*
*Ex-Wasn’t made aware of that but I’ll keep that in mind*
*Me – No you were*
*she told me*
*you noticed a vibe*
*don’t bullshit me*
*It already makes me uncomfortable that she still talks to her exes don’t make it worse*
*Ex – Uh huh, well I wasn’t told you two were trying to become a thing, but thanks for letting me know I’ll step off*
*Me – What she explained to me was, you notice she had a taste after i had gotten off. She told me, that she explained to you that she saw something that could grow into something more serious.*
*From your mouth, what did she say to you, about me?*
*Ex – All she’s said is that she is single and doing her own thing for a while, if you knew about this sooner you could have come to me and just let me know and I would have respected your boundaries from what I knew*
*Me – I’ve gotten to know T pretty well these last 5 months, I shared my concerns with her because I trusted her to handle it. She explained to me that she didn’t find your relationship with her compatible*
*Ex – Her and I have already talked about that many times in the past and are not interested in a relationship, we’ve already tried 3 too many times, she’s single and I’m in an open relationship that is all. And I’m not trying to get in your way or anything dude, in fact I hope she finds a good guy in her life, but at the current time she is single, so you have no “claim” on her, but I do respect the bro code to back off if asked.*
**(Context for the mood shift after this. T noticed that her Ex dipped from their private chat and deleted the whole thing. T then asked me what I said and simply shared my screen to show her. She got defensive, and simply said ” We’re not together yet, you don’t own me.”)**
*Me -*
*Alright, just want to let it be known from my side. I apologize for coming into this conversation aggressively*
*take care*
​
*Ex – All good dude, I understand the feeling of jealousy/envy ( whichever is the correct one) No hard feelings mate.*
I’d like to ask pretty simply their thoughts on this situation are, and how I should proceed and what options I may have?
2 comments
It’s pretty obvious she’s not comfortable sharing things. Listen, sharing trauma over the internet is not the same as doing it in person. I’ve had people in discord tell me all about their traumatic backstory on day one. It’s cheap therapy , I guess. Or maybe it’s unresolved and the internet is a safe place to unload because it’s easier to ditch people who are unsympathetic. I honestly don’t know.
Anyway, it sounds like she’s just using you for the sympathy. I’d just untangle myself from it all, man. It doesn’t sound like she should be in a relationship and I’m not sure you should be either if you’re settling for this level of insanity.
Take some time and learn to be happy and comfortable with yourself.
You call T your fwb but then you really don’t seem to act like one. It seems like you want to be more than that and become bf/gf.
I don’t really think who a fwb talks to is your business. The conversation you posted with the ex makes him look good. The Ex seemed super chill and was willing to be respectful even though you were pretty aggressive out the gate. I also wouldn’t assume that T is telling you the 100% truth about everything. She has a lot more to lose from being completely honest to you than the Ex does.
If you’re FWBs, I wouldn’t really do online therapy for each other. That’s probably why you’re starting to act more bf/gf with this girl. My guess is that she isn’t interested in dating, otherwise she wouldn’t need to string on these vague “there is a chance this fwb situation could become something more.”
If I were you, I’d have a chat and better define out your relationship. Be honest with what you want, hopefully she can do the same, and if those interests aren’t compatible then I’d move on.