I \[23M\] am out of college and work full time, while my girlfriend \[20F\] of almost one year is still in college. Due to circumstances I won’t go into, she recently informed me that she has to get a PhD, when previously I thought she was only getting a Master’s. She has 2 years left in undergrad, plus 1.5 years of Master’s and now an additional 4 years of PhD. Part of the problem for me is that currently, she goes to college very close to where I work, but it isn’t guaranteed that her graduate school is in the same city, much less the same state. I have already started my career, but now it might be 8 years until she starts working. She said she wants to get married at age 26, and have kids a couple years later, but I don’t know how feasible that is while she has school to worry about. And by the time her PhD is over, I will be about 30 years old.
Another thing I wanted to ask about is our living situation. Right now, she lives on campus, but stays with me almost every night. I then drive her in the morning during my working hours when I work from home around 10am, which is 45 minutes round trip. While my work offers me a lot of flexibility, I expressed concern over this as a long term arrangement, since it does take time away from my workday. She said I should be willing to do whatever it takes to let her sleep over as much as possible.
Part of the problem with me bringing this up with her is that we’ve had a string of arguments recently.
She’s threatened in the past (sometimes jokingly, sometimes not) to break up, and she often gets mad at me for relatively minor things. She even mentioned recently that she picks fights over insignificant reasons, and she doesn’t know why but she just gets frustrated and can’t help it. She apologized for this and says she will work on it and do whatever it takes to make the relationship work.
Recently, she asked if I would be breaking up with her. All the fighting was stressing me out and I said I didn’t know, but eventually told her I didn’t want to break up. She now won’t stop thinking about the fact that I was even thinking about breaking up with her, which I’ve tried to reassure her is not the case. She said she was joking every time she mentioned it herself, but think I was being serious. She made me promise to not bring up any talk about ending the relationship unless I was 100% serious about breaking up. I do still love her a lot, and she is very attached to me and would be devastated if we did end up breaking up, to the point where I would be concerned about her mental health.
Now I’m not sure how to proceed or what to say if we have another serious discussion about this situation. What should my next step be to resolve this?
2 comments
Maybe it’s just me but I don’t see this as a healthy relationship for a few reasons.
She’s added to her schooling (which is well within her rights to do, nothing against that), but it doesn’t seem like you’re prepared to postpone whatever life plan you had with her to accommodate this. Are you willing to wait for another 7/8 years?
She expects you to “do whatever it takes” for her to sleep over as much as possible? To give her a bed and a ride every day for the next seven years or so while you’re supposed to be working? You’d be ruining your work ethic by leaving to chauffeur her around. Why can’t she drive herself? Why can’t she stay wherever she officially lives during the week and stay with you on the weekends? This just doesn’t seem like a good arrangement at all. No, moving her in shouldn’t be an option either.
She threatens to break up during arguments? That is NOT a freaking joke thing to say when arguing! Don’t say it if you don’t mean it. This may be a manipulation tactic to get you to do what she wants or agree with her about something. “If you don’t agree, I’ll break up with you.” Nobody needs that threat hanging over them. She wants you to promise not to bring up breaking up? SHE should make that promise as well. And she’s even picking fights over nothing and doesn’t know why? One word for that: THERAPY.
Honestly, I’d be rethinking this relationship because of those reasons alone. Her attachment to you shouldn’t be an issue for you to be concerned about. That’s a her problem, not a you problem.
I’d say to think about what it is you want from this relationship and out of life. If she’s to be a part of it, then you need to talk to her about what the plan will be and then you both need to work for it together. Possibly get some couples therapy to give you tools to learn how to communicate and problem solve to give you a better chance long term.
I wish you luck and I hope it all works out for the best for you.
Counseling. An objective third party helps so much in situations like this. You can do a few 1 on 1s, then bring her in for a dual.