A very good friend of mine (33F) has set me up with a guy (38M). She wanted me to meet him for a while and it finally happened tonight. The three of us had dinner and watched a movie. It turned out that he was actually very fit & good-looking and he came across as polite & easygoing. At one point I even felt this person was a bit “out of my league” in terms of physical attractiveness.
However there was a language barrier between us. Some sign language and my friend being the translator helped with the communication but perhaps this was why I didn’t feel a strong connection right away.
After my friend left, I drove him home. He began to tell me more about his life. He’s new to the country and is currently on a student visa. He wants to get his permanent residency and a lawyer told him “only 3 ways – marriage, going back to school or sponsorship”. Immediately I started having questions in my head. I don’t want to make assumptions about people I hardly know but part of me couldn’t help but think, this could all be part of a strategy to get PR?
I dropped him off and he mentioned to text him when I’m free again. My friend also texted me to see “what I thought of him”. He seemed eager but I’m debating if I should pursue this. Am I overthinking that he might be looking for a marriage of convenience?
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Ignoring the question about marriage of convenience, are you interested in him at all? Your short list of things that were good was “he looks good, he’s polite, he’s easy going.” What are you looking for in a partner and is he meeting that? Are you okay with needing a translator to communicate well with him?
Your concern isn’t necessarily unwarranted. Seems like an odd comment to make if it’s not something regularly on his mind. However, your first priority should be whether or not you two are actually compatible and able to connect with one another in a meaningful way. If not, your concern is unnecessary because you two aren’t compatible anyway.
It’s possible that he’s looking for a convenience marriage… it’s also possible that he’s looking for a relationship that leads to marriage, *and* that marriage would be an avenue through which he could stick around legally. Isn’t it better to know that’s ultimately what he wants than to worry he’ll want to move back? I know that would be my chief reservation if i met someone in those circumstances; he might actually be trying to put your mind at ease. Isn’t it likely that he’ll be making plans to try to obtain a sponsorship? Did you ask?
It sounds like it might be a moot point since you don’t seem terribly excited by him anyway. But if you do decide to date him, unless you have a reason to distrust your friend’s intentions, and without anything further to go on, I don’t think you need to assume the worst without knowing more.
OP, since he is on a student visa, is he serious about the program he is in ?
Some people do get student visas so that they can get married and obtain a PR. They abandon their education afterwards. Student visas are pretty easy to obtain compared to the other categories because international students benefit the local economy by paying a higher tuition rate etc.
I moved for education and have spent a whole decade in a different country. The ones that got married and talked about using marriage to get a PR, abandoned their degrees afterwards. I am projecting a bit but this is a good way to figure out if it is a red flag, as you say.
You’re not overthinking this. It is very possible this person is just looking for a way to stay here. What does this “very good friend” of yours think about this? I’m sure she knew his situation right?
I fell in love with my ex wife when I was visiting her in her country. Because of the lack of citizenship, we accelerated plans to try to marry, and marriage/citizenship became a big, giant **thing** of it’s own. While we stayed married for 17 years; if I hadn’t been in a foreign country, unable to work and trying for citizenship, I don’t think that I’d have stayed together. Even before we were married we were having problems, but the track was set, and our minds were too fixed into solving the citizenship problems. It was too easy to ignore the relationship problems.
Many people are happy to ignore early relationship problems for less serious reasons than having a head wrapped up in citizenship and living on another’s dime while not being able to work. And similarly, many people would have the internal control to not ignore the relationship problems.
Which is to say that at this point in my life, I would shy way the eff away from someone who wasn’t a citizen of where we live, and no way consider immigrating to be with someone. My experiences will of course not be the same for everyone.
You are not over thinking it unless it leads you to not have a second date. It’s worth speaking to your friend about it and it’s worth a second date to continue to vet
But yes..it was not accidental that this was brought up.
* Were you interested in seeing him again before you knew this? If not, it doesn’t really matter if he’s looking for a marriage! If yes, then you have to ask more questions…
* What is your friend’s role in this? Do you think they would purposefully put you with someone just looking for marriage of convenience, or did they genuinely think you would hit it off?
* I think it is possible he’s looking for marriage. Its also possible he just wants a regular second date! Or he liked hanging out with you as a friend! Or a bunch of other possibilities…mentioning a fact (marriage can lead to PR) doesn’t automatically mean anything, imo
Let’s just assume that he wants a marriage just for the benefits of it, at his age… Do you think he would take it as a joke? It would have to be a real marriage, i mean, if you guys end up marrying and after one year he decides to leave, you can take his PR off 😉 and also… You’re not even married yet, so go on, enjoy life, if he tries to push the marriage thing then just walk away if you’re not feeling comfortable.
It sounds like it’s too early to tell from my opinion. I think you have to get to know him and your gut will tell you whether he is genuinely interested or just using you.
All I got from this was there’s a language barrier. No go.
You are not overthinking. It is very obvious. He seems to want the PR through relationships.
Play it as it goes. So far he has been open and honest about his situation up front to let you know about it. It is something to think about, yes. A man generally doesn’t push for marriage like a woman does. You should want to marry him. If he continues to display quality behavior and is being honest and open with you then perhaps something organic could play out. I’d be weary if he seems to be moving faster than normal.
From someone who was married for 11 years (together for 16) to someone who used the marriage as an avenue for a green card please be weary. Though it was a legit marriage that produced two children, ultimately there were some big cultural differences that drove us apart. He was very eager, in the beginning as well. What I’m saying is that even if this guy is really looking for a relationship, please just go in with both eyes open.
I have no idea what this man’s intentions are and wouldn’t want to speculate, but (and maybe this makes me an asshole): I wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t have permanent residency status where I live.
It just introduces a lot of uncertainty that I would personally rather not deal with. Dating is hard enough w/o worrying about whether this other person can get/keep a job; whether they can stay in the country, etc.
I’d also feel uncomfortable with the power dynamic. I’d you’re dating/married to someone who needs you to keep their job/not get deported, it’s a big power imbalance; that person is extremely dependent on you. I just wouldn’t be comfortable with it.
Just my 2 cents!
I’m an international student with plans to stay in the US.
I do NOT want a marriage of convenience. That being said, PR is something that is on my mind all the time, and I talk about it often because it’s just such a big problem in my life. I honestly don’t think you need to be concerned just because he mentioned it. Language barrier is definitely a bigger issue.
I’m working really hard on my degree. I will probably have great chances of finding a job and getting sponsored… and it’s ridiculous to think that I could just find someone to get married right now and solve that issue.
But, at least for me, getting married to someone I don’t like is too high of a price to pay for PR. And I don’t think many people would be able to put on an act for too long. Give it time and you’ll figure out his true intentions.
If I was living in another country and knew there was a good chance I could be deported in the next few years, I would be bringing that up with people right away too. For a lot of people it may be a deal breaker just because of the uncertainty of immigration and pressure of time. Maybe this has been an issue with others he’s gone on dates with so he’s being as transparent as possible right from the start.
I agree with others that first thing you should be considering is compatibility. If he was born in the same country, would you want more dates with him? If not, his citizenship status doesn’t matter.
If you do want to continue dating him, make sure you’re realistic with yourself about what the options are and whether that’s a journey you’d be willing to take for the right person (even best case scenario, it is bound to be really stressful for him and could cause tension between you or force heavy conversations/commitments earlier than you may like).
As far as your concerns about his intentions with dating.. Your worries are valid, but i don’t think you should let yourself focus on them too much. This isn’t a random guy who’s been messaging you on a dating app, it’s someone a mutual friend has repeatedly encouraged you to meet. And there’s just as much or better a chance that he has perfectly good intentions and is just being realistic about his circumstances.
It’s kind of like how people who have a marriage or kids timeline will bring it up right away even if they don’t know the person well enough to talk about marriage or making babies yet. It sucks but sometimes it’s necessary to bring up big unchangeable circumstances before there’s any deep feelings because it can hurt everyone so much more once they feel attached.