My boyfriend (30M) and I (26F) have been together for 3 years. Like any relationship, we’ve had our rough patches, but we’re generally pretty good about communicating with each other and working through problems.
I’ve been dealing with some health issues over the past couple of months, and so we haven’t seen each other as often (we don’t live together). It was worse earlier on, but as things have improved we’ve seen each other more. But even as I felt better, I didn’t really feel up for sex, and we went about a 2 month period without having sex.
I don’t have much of a sex drive, so this wasn’t a huge deal for me. But my boyfriend has a very high sex drive, and I felt kind of guilty for depriving him. (I want to clarify that he never pressured me at all, and has been very supportive as I’ve dealt with these health issues)
A few weeks ago, he returned to his home country to visit his family. I was happy about this, as due to pandemic border restrictions, he wasn’t able to easily visit them until this fall. Upon his return, we finally had sex, with one caveat— he wore a condom. Until this point, I’ve been on the pill, and the sex that we had was unprotected. But due to my aforementioned health issues, I will most likely have to come off of it (and will likely not be able to use any form of hormonal birth control in the future). Despite still being on the pill at the moment, the condom was meant as practice in anticipation for probably needing to use them in the future.
I understand that condoms dull most sensation for men, and am doing my best to be sympathetic to that. My boyfriend struggled to maintain an erection, and while he did eventually finish, it was quite an effort.
This weekend we tried (and failed) to have sex, and I had a bit of a self-pitying breakdown. I feel like I’ve been depriving him of sex, which is very important to him, and now I’m also depriving him of more pleasurable sex because of my health issues. I expressed that I fear that he’ll grow to resent me over not having his needs properly met.
For whatever reason, he saw this as the best opportunity to admit (unprompted) to cheating on me while he was on his trip. He had reconnected with a childhood friend (who he says he had a crush on in middle school), who I guess has been having some marital issues, and the two did some sort of roleplay phone sex. They didn’t actually see each other in person, so I’m not sure if it really counts as cheating, but he described it as “feeling like it might have been cheating,” so that’s what I’m going with. He said that he felt kind of pent up because we hadn’t had sex, but that it was weird, and that he felt really bad about it, and that he and his friend haven’t spoken about it since.
Despite the circumstances, I don’t feel mad, even though I feel like I should? I guess I feel kind of sad, but mostly rather empty. And my lack of real reaction to it is kind of freaking me out and doesn’t feel appropriate for the situation. How am I supposed to feel in this situation, anyway? Maybe I just haven’t fully processed it?
My boyfriend says that he will work hard to regain my trust. Since this was with his childhood friend, I don’t really feel comfortable with (or even want) him to cut her off, but I did ask him to talk to her about this and agree that it wouldn’t happen again. Is this enough?
Tl;dr boyfriend came clean on his own about cheating on me, and somehow I’m more concerned about my lack of reaction to the fact that he cheated on me, than the fact that he cheated.
2 comments
Is it possible that you are experiencing depression? Has your energy level changed? Have you lost interest in things you used to enjoy?
Your question about whether it was “enough” that he simply tell her it’s not going to be ongoing, only you can answer. If you choose to stay in a relationship with this guy, pay attention to how you’re really feeling. Don’t bottle up the feelings that may come up as you process this.
Only you can decide whether or not this is something that you can get past, but I would hasten to remind you that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. In other words, he’s likely to cheat again. If not with her, with someone else.
In the course of a marriage (if that is what you eventually want) there are ups and downs, and there will be ‘dry spells’ that last as long as that one (2 mo’s) or longer. If a few months without intercourse is all it takes for him to be disloyal, is he a good partner? Is the lack of jealousy you feel any reflection on the depth of your attachment to him? How would you feel if he did it again?
If you really don’t mind, and you still want to be with him, what about seeing other people openly?
Only you can decide what works for you, but there should always be honesty, kindness, patience and respect. I would ask myself whether he brings those things to the relationship.
You deserve to be treated with respect, and with patience, and you deserve to be happy. I wish you all the best.
I know this will be a very unpopular opinion, but it was phone sex. Not sure I’d be too upset about it either.