So I’ve come to terms that I am unattractive, yet I make jokes about it to get myself and others with a smiling face. Someone got offended and then upset with me that I makes jokes about myself. What is going on or is there something I’m missing?

50 comments

  2. It can feel like you’re baiting for reassurance if it happens often. Friends that care are beaten down when you beat yourself down, even if it’s just a joke.

  3. Why speak negatively about yourself when you could be positive? Ofc you gonna feel unattractive if all you’re hearing is negative shit about you. Negativity never help anybody.

  4. idk about that person, but for me, i get sad when i hear those jokes. self-deprecating humor is an obvious way of coping with something that you dont like about yourself, and i want everyone to llove themselves. besides, maybe that person also is insecure about their appearance so maybe they got defensive on your behalf.

  6. The question to me is, are you making good, actually clever jokes, or are you just running yourself down? If you’re just shit talking yourself it’s not gonna be great for anyone else around you.

  7. I used to do the same unti I realized how much of a negative influence it had on my self-esteem. Maybe this person got upset because they feel that you are putting yourself down and they want you to feel better about yourself?

  8. It can make people feel uncomfortable and awkward and can ruin the mood and conversation. Even if you are trying to be genuinely funny, most people, unless maybe close friends, probably won’t want to laugh to a joke where they’re making fun of your ‘ugliness’. Another thing is those jokes often make people feel obligated to comfort you and say things like “oh you aren’t ugly don’t worry!” which can get exhausting after a while, especially if that person is CONSTANTLY making self deprecating jokes.

  10. it can make people who don’t know you well uncomfortable and probably gets pretty tiring to those who do know you well and hear it often

  11. I used to do this when I was in college and people got very uncomfortable and distanced themselves from me. How are they supposed to like someone who so clearly doesn’t like him or herself?

  12. First of all, you’re probably not as unattractive as you think. The average is not that high.

    Second, sometimes self deprecating jokes are more neurotic and compulsive than we realize. Making fun of oneself can be a great thing, but if it’s gotten compulsive then it’s the sign of a problem.

    But I saw in a comment of yours that it’s a new person–then it’s really hard to tell why they got upset.

  13. Personally, I feel uncomfortable listening to negative self talk even when someone masks it as a joke. It can be exhausting when somebody makes those “jokes” all the time.

  14. Instead of “coming to terms” with how you believe you are unattractive, practice some self love and care. Not only will people give back the energy you put into yourself, but it makes you a more enjoyable, positive person to be around. If you find yourself surrounded by people that enjoy hearing you put yourself down, it’s time to find some new friends because that isn’t the type of energy you need to surround yourself with.

  16. Beauty is subjective, if you basically tell other people you’re ugly, they’ll think the same too, and people will also subconsciously lose respect for you if you self-deprecate like that.

    Confident and secure people will seem more attractive and get more respect from others regardless of their facial characteristics

  17. Yes

    It is one thing to be able to laugh at your shortcomings and things you have done wrong and see them in a different light, but basically turning yourself into a walking joke is not healthy.

  18. If you do it with confidence and as a joke it’s funny. If you do it out of low self esteem it’s not a good look.

  19. I usually make it clear in my relationships with people that it’s a red flag and I can’t say much for others but as a passionate person these jokes can be extremely draining to hear and will negatively affect my wellbeing if I hear them on a regular basis. I think that some of these reactions from other people suggest that you may be severely underestimating yourself.

  20. Yes, it’s bad for your own self esteem and self image even if you don’t realize it. You create your own reality. You’re setting someone up who actually likes you to either go along with your jokes and laugh at your appearance or be mad at you for treating yourself like shit. As a general rule, I would never bash someone else for their appearance so why would it be ok to bash yourself? It’s like your telling everyone this behavior is ok. It’s not ok. We are more then what’s on the outside. It sounds like you found a decent human being and you don’t know what to make of it.

  21. The general rule I think is not to joke about qualities you or someone else actually has. At least that’s been my experience as a male. Make fun of the skinny friend for acting like a fatass, make fun of the smart friend for acting stupid, etc. depending on the context of your relationship

  22. The best advice I ever heard on this sub was “Don’t think less of yourself, think of yourself less.”

    Even if they’re objectively funny jokes, they negatively center the conversation on your looks and make it where the other person has to either awkwardly agree or disagree with you, or make some other comment about your appearance.

  25. If you are better looking or similar looking to people to people around you, by insulting yourself, by proxy you are insulting them and sending the message that judging people by looks is important and that they are the butt of the joke too. It’s easy to offend people with self deprecating humour.

  27. I read a tip. Instead of making self-deprecating jokes, replace them with ironically self-supporting jokes. So instead of saying “oh it’s because I’m so ugly,” say, “oh it’s because I’m obviously so very attractive. 😉” it achieves the goal of making light of the situation, but just approaches it from the other side which is good for your mental health and won’t elicit the response you experienced!

  28. It depends on context. If it’s in response to someone else calling you ugly – it can work well to deflect attention and shame the bully.

    If you bring it up yourself, it can seem like you might be fishing for compliments.

    Or, like other people have said – friends who like you don’t want to hear someone tearing you down – even yourself.

    It’s ok to do it – but don’t assume that everyone will find you insulting yourself funny / endearing etc. It really depends on the moment.

    Also – there is a big difference between being self-depreciating versus putting your self-loathing on public display. The latter can make people really uncomfortable.

  29. Personally, I get very uncomfortable with jokes like these. I also get uncomfortable and upset at jokes/offhand comments people make about killing themselves. I know I don’t have the right to tell people what to say and what jokes to make, Ill just walk away or ignore it if it happens. But I just feel upset and sad when people do this. I used to make those jokes too. In actuality, theyre not very funny or witty, plus it genuinely helps your mental health if you stop. I also don’t believe you’re unattractive and I don’t think you should believe it either. I think the idea of trying to ‘accept’ something you *think* society percieved you as is silly. It’s just how you are perceiving yourself because everything you are experiencing is through the filter of your own brain, which tells you you are unattractive, because you compare yourself to other people and particularly to models on ads and TV.

    Maybe I’m out of my lane for saying any of this. I am a huge advocate for mental wellness, self love and managing your brain. These jokes you are telling to others aren’t funny, they just serve to keep putting yourself down. I wish more for you.

  31. If you make jokes about your looks in front of people that look worse than you, you basically called them ugly too. But if they didn’t want to hear that, you hurt their feelings. Many ugly people eventually grow thick skin and accept their looks but not everyone does. If you say that about yourself to sensitive people have self esteem issues about their looks, they might distance themselves from you. It’s not your intention but they don’t like what you say. So you could lose friends who don’t like your jokes. The jokes can be about many things but self depreciating ones do sound very negative and many people don’t like it. People have different sense of humor and that’s okay to dislike some jokes though.

  32. I prefer to make self deprecating jokes about my choices or actions, you know, those facepalm moments, rather than things about me that I can’t change.

  34. Constantly making jokes about yourself being ugly will lead to you subconsciously thinking that you actually are ugly even though that’s not the case. Plus some people may take it as you fishing for compliments.

  35. I’m in this same boat. I’m not seeking for people to tell me the opposite it’s just something I was told my whole life and now make jokes about it and suddenly it’s messed up but was funny when people said it to me. Worlds a weird place

  36. Tbh I felt the same way as you do but my friends get really annoyed by it. The way I see it is that humans are poor judges of our appearance so when you make self depricating jokes it comes off 2 ways:
    1) you’re actually not as bad looking as you think and people either feel like you’re baiting for compliments or they think “oh well if John Smith thinks he’s ugly then what do people think about me”
    2) if you are actually less attractive then people feel like they either have to lie to make you feel better or come up with another way to make you feel better about yourself like listing your other positive attributes.

    Either way it creates an awkward situation for the people close to you. I think its alright to do online around strangers who feel no need to reassure you but tbh this can also backfire because it can make other less attractive people feel like their worth is tied to their ability to be conventionally attractive. For example, I know I’m kind of ugly and overweight so when I see attractive people online make depricating jokes I just feel even worse about myself. I still fall into the trap of being self depricating – it’s really hard when you’ve built your sense of humor around it and your self confidence is low – but ultimately it’s better for you mentally and the people around you to try to stop. Plus it gets repetitive after a while, there’s only so many ways to tell the same joke. People will get tired of most jokes the more they’re exposed to them but if you use it rarely and only choose the funniest ones then it packs a bigger punch and people find it funnier.

  38. I have a an acquaintance who is very short. He makes non stop jokes about his height. It is the most uncomfortable thing after the first two jokes.

  39. Your reinforcing the idea and ingraining it into your head. Hit the gym, eat healthy, dress well, get a clean haircut. You deserve better.

  40. It shows a level of shallowness. If you’re constantly talking and “joking” about how ugly you are, it shows that you pay attention to physical appearance. Even if you say that you don’t think other people are ugly, just yourself, you’re still talking about a human being ugly. Even if it’s a joke, it’s really negative to constantly call a human being ugly, including yourself. You may be making them aware of their own insecurities, and the fact that you’re always talking about physical appearance makes them aware that you know what they look like and are probably making value judgements on them too

  41. Others have mentioned the aspect of others being uncomfortable, but I’d also like to bring up something I’ve realized lately. Your mind and what you think about can change things in your life.

    Not physically, or maybe even spiritually. Your outlook and opinion on things can change those things. If you think you’re ugly, you’ll act like it. You won’t care about your clothing, hair, ect. or how you present yourself because to you it’s not worth it.

    But if you tell yourself you look good and do things that make you feel like you look good (take time to choose outfits you like, do hair/makeup/beard a certain way, painting your nails) two things will happen. You’ll eventually start believing you look good, because you feel good. And once you are more confident in how you look, you’ll also start acting more confident. People will think highly of you just because you think highly of you.

    You don’t have to look nice everyday, but tell yourself you (as a person) are beautiful.

  42. Pleeeease stop. You’re a pain in the ass. Like, are you fishing for compliments or sympathy? Am I supposed to assure you that you’re actually *secretly* beautiful or try to keep you from jumping off a bridge?

    Do you know who else isn’t beautiful? Most of the people who run the world. My boss, who makes 10x what I do and is not hot. Bill Gates, Elon Musk (before the rich-guy surgeries), Angela Merkel, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, Jerome Powell, etc etc etc.

    STFU and quit forcing us all into this uncomfortable position of either agreeing that you’re ugly or assuring you that you’re not.

  43. You’re not unattractive. You aren’t attractive to whatever /your/ beauty standards are. I assume you have functioning eyes, mouth, nose etc. so there’s nothing wrong with the way you look. Talking about how ugly you are will make your self esteem plummet, and you won’t believe you’re worth anything. You need to think you’re gorgeous, it’s a step to loving yourself. This is my opinion anyways, I don’t think it’s possible to think your ugly but have high self esteem/self worth.

  44. Only joke about things that you dont mind others laughing at. If you feel insecure with your face then making jokes only gives people reason to make fun of it.

  45. I’m obese(working on it), got a lazy eye, not really the most attractive guy in the room. But the jokes I make are that I’m the perfect guy in the room, everyone could learn a thing or two of my charisma or charm. Sort of going for a light narcissistic jokes.

    I feel these type of jokes work more for me, and give off self-confident vibes, and I get to mess around and argue playfully when someone says otherwise.

  46. It’s usually a sign of low self-esteem and even though it’s meant to be humorous it’s often a downer.

  47. Yes, it’s very awkward and forces people to either a.) reassure you or b.) awkwardly not say anything and then look like a jerk. It can seem like you’re fishing for compliments and there’s no good way to continue a conversation.

  50. That means you’re starting to believe what these people say. You are better than that. Those people don’t know shit.

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