[29M] [28F] my wife had a drunken one night stand

43 comments

1. > She had a 10 year highschool reunion the first night she was back and ended up drinking way to much (normally she doesn’t drink at all) she told me she had a Margarita and five shots of tequila during the night and ended up going back to her friends house with her ex boyfriend and she had sex with him. She claims he started it and she just went along with it.

   If she was that drunk, how does she remember any of this? Sounds like an excuse.

   > If we divorce she will home back to her home state and I will lose my children and they will loose there entire lives and all the friends they have made.

   Contact a lawyer TODAY and inform yourself about your options. You don’t have to go with a divorce, but you need to have all the relevant information to make a decision.

2. First of all, get a lawyer, Your wife can’t take your children away to another state without your approval. Next, get a DNA test done on your children, she’s been back home several times without you and this might not be the first time this has happened. Be very suspicious if she’s suddenly pregnant again (again, DNA test).

3. It wasn’t just a drunken one night stand. There’s more to her story.

4. see a marriage counsellor

5. I personally would divorce, this situation has probably been going on awhile and someone caught her and threatened to tell you. I could NEVER trust her again because this was all just way to easy. Good luck, and you can and will be a great father even if you divorce, you also need to HOLD HER ACCOUNTABLE for her actions, you have let her off scott free.

6. Use the right terminology. She didn’t have a drunken ONS. She cheated on you.

   Now enforce whatever personal policy you have on cheating. Mine would be to leave.

7. The usual excuse, alcohol made me do it 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ complete cop out. She was perfectly capable of having sex, she was perfectly capable of saying no. I’m really sorry you’re going through this, but would you ever trust her to visit her parents again?

8. Until she is completely honest, you have no basis for reconciliation.

   What happens when she goes to visit her parents again?

9. Hell no man. Do not look past this. She didn’t just “go along” she made a decision. The fact she isn’t taking blame doesn’t sound remorseful. Take custody to court. Get a good lawyer and prove you’re the sole provider and you may win custody.

10. 1st. You will not automatically lose your children. You need to get a lawyer asap- one who specializes in family law/divorce/child custody proceedings.
    Secondly, why the FUCK would you even consider staying with a woman who cheated on you just out of convenience? Tell her she has 30 days to make new living arrangements for herself and you’ll both be working out a legally recognized custody arrangement in the meantime.
    She needs a reality check. The free ride is over for her. She needs to find a full-time job and a new place to live, ASAP. She can schedule it around the child care situation and work 3rd shift if she has to, but she’s not welcome to cheat on you and then still get your financial support and access to your body as well. Cut her off!

11. Divorce, good lawyer, and fight hard for custody

12. No good deed goes unpunished… so much for watching the kids and letting her get some free time. Now you’re stuck with a tough decision. Everyone has echoed the same thing, the choice is truly yours at this point…

13. You need to at the very least consult with several local divorce lawyers to see what options you have going forward – divorce proceedings can be stopped at any time if you so choose.

    Demand STD/STI testing before any intimacy with her (if you ever do again).

    You’ll also get more useful information/resources on a sub-reddit like: r/survivinginfidelity

    > If we divorce she will home back to her home state and I will lose my children and they will loose there entire lives and all the friends they have made.

    No. She cannot kidnap your children to another state unless you agree to it in divorce proceedings.

    Divorce is expensive, but living miserable with someone that betrayed you like this is so much worse.

14. Talk to a lawyer. Most states won’t let her move away from the father with the children. Find out all info so you can make an informed decision about what you want to do

15. Lmao had 4 children with you then threw it away to ride some random dick. Least she told you I guess.

    Hell maybe you’re into it.

16. If you divorce she can’t just leave the state with the kids, you have to go to court for custody. Talk to a lawyer, you do not have to stay married to a cheater just to see your kids, you do have rights and life will go on. You deserve to be happy

17. Well, at least she didn’t start it! LOL

18. First thing, she needs to get a job. This seems to be a common unhealthy dynamic when one person stays at home the person who works often gets relegated to a parental role. I can’t tell you how often I have read stories like this doesn’t matter if it’s the husband or the wife. To the point where I would never want a SAH situation in my life now. Maybe for a year or two but once the kids can star school both parents need to work IMO. That’s because in that dynamic kids act out on their parents. So just like a parent your wife needs some tough love and discipline. Besides if you do divorce this will help you with the settlement.

    It’s up to you to decide if she is worth staying with, but I would not assume you know even 50% of what she has been up to.. There is a very good chance this isn’t her first time. So unfortunately, at the very least you should DNA test your kids.

    If you divorce she can’t just take your kids, that is not how it works. You can also go for joint custody. Go talk to a lawyer an see what he says.

19. First talk to a lawyer, because you need to know what your options/risks are, whether you get divorced or not.

    Personally, a single drunken fuckup that she confessed to on her own would probably be forgivable for me. I did that once, many years ago. Didn’t plan for it, got carried away, regretted it immediately. I get it.

    But what really matters is whether you are going to be able to trust her again. If you can’t, then nothing else is going to matter.

20. Honestly I do not understand the whole I was drunk excuse. Lol, I am an alcoholic never once did I screw somebody and not know what I was doing on some level. It just doesn’t happen. She wanted to have a fling so she did. Sure maybe alcohol helped it along but it wasn’t the source.

21. She made that choice and put herself in that position. keep that in mind. I’ll bet if you start digging you’ll find this was premeditated.

22. Divorce. Kick her out of the house now.

    Use her infidelity to get at least 50/50 custody and the house.

    She destroyed the family, your decision to divorce is not the cause of it. If she tries to say otherwise, get her to tell the kids exactly what happened. Get her to tell them in language they will understand, that she did the one this that hurts more than anything, and that because of that she has to go live somewhere else.

    And make sure that you keep telling them every year. In fact get her to write a letter to each child outlining exactly what she did, that you can give to them when you deem them old enough to learn exactly how she destroyed their lives as they currently know it.

23. DIVORCE

24. Also given how easy it was for her to break her marriage, get the kids DNA tested. Odd on that at least one isn’t yours.

25. I’ve been there and no one can make the choice but you bro. This is one of those things that people forget you have to consider the totality of circumstances and possible outcomes. As the person who stayed, here’s what I can tell you;

    You never get over it. It’s been 8+ years for me and still bothers me to this day. I’m not crushed over it anymore of course but feelings have never been the same since. Also, a little piece of me died when I figured out what was going on. I’m not trying to be dramatic, it’s just the best way I can describe it. It changed me forever as a person and I wish I could say it was for the better. Thirdly, (granted it sounds like circumstances are different in your situation) I can’t fully trust her anymore and am constantly waiting for “the next time”. That being said, no matter the “friend” involved, I can’t help but be suspicious of any/every guy she mentions or hangs out with, even in shared company.

    On the other hand, we do get along fine these days and the relationship is in no way toxic or “bad”. I also get to spend 100% of all possible time with my kids since we still all live together. Same goes for all financial considerations. No one has to pay anyone else nor has been put in any hardships.

    I do wonder sometimes what would’ve come to pass if we’d separated but overall, I’m content in my decision to stay. I will say that if even the slightest incident happens again, our marriage would be over. Whether that means becoming roommates and coparenting from the same household (I’d never marry or seriously date ever again even if I could) or a full fledged divorce, who knows.

    I’m sorry to hear you’re in this spot dude. Truly, my sympathies. Best of luck to you.

26. You mean your ex wife?

27. Getting a divorce *will not* mean you lose your children. Insist on 50/50 – why should you have anything else?

    Also, she will not be able to move your kids out of state without your agreement.

28. With cheaters you believe their actions, not their words. You know she had sex at least once and who knows how many other times she has had. Don’t believe anything she says when she tries to downplay the sex that she had. She wanted it and she had it.

29. Op was cheated on and by his replies he doesn’t want to leave her.

    So I would suggest couples counseling to see if you are able to trust her again moving forward

30. It’s not worth it. She broke your trust. Let her go. It’s over. The relationship is over.

    She and her kids will leave and you will have to pay child support.

    This is why I advise men not to get married ever. There is no point. The culture today is not conducive to marriage.

31. Thank you everyone for your words and advise (except the guy who said I might like it, you are a peen) . I will be talking with a lawyer and a counselor next week. I set up appointments for both. I am very new to reddit so I’m not quite sure how to update the actual post but I will once I figure it out and there is more to add

32. The only thing that sticks out to me that I haven’t seen considered yet is if she consented. She “went along with it” but going along with it isn’t not always consent.

    are you 100% sure she wasn’t taken advantage of? Did she say she wanted to in the moment?

33. I’m a Forgive Once person. This is a personal choice, not a moral imperative. You may divorce with a clear conscience, and with my blessing. In your place, I’d forgive once cuz an unforced confession, remorse, and mindful best behavior all check my boxes.

    Reconciliation my way means taking your pain and distrust to a confidant, clergy or counselor, and showing only positivity to your wife. As another reader pointed out, the downside of this approach to reconciliation is that Wife gets off with an apology, while you take the gut punch.

    Well, there’s a way to deal with that. More challenging and time-consuming, though, so I think you should take this alternate approach only if you feel you must.

    It’s called Restorative Justice. For a time period, the cheater loses one or more privileges that a trusted SO normally enjoys, such as an unchaperoned visit to her parents, or an evening with lots of booze, available men, and no OP. And they do one or more acts of penance. Not my idea of a DIY project, simply coming to terms can be challenging, and during the period of penance, what was once a loving relationship of equals can feel more like parole officer and ex-con. For this approach I suggest counseling.

    Either approach has a fake-it-til-you-make-it phase, where you show more positivity than you actually feel. Awkward at first, with repetition is becomes easier and more natural, until, with luck, genuine.

34. Get a DNA test for your children. They may not be yours.

35. Get a STD test and a lawyer

36. She cheated. Trust is gone. It’s up to you to accept this or divorce.

37. My wife of 12 years had affairs as well. I only found out because I got an STD and she’s the only person it could have come from as I’m not a cheater.

    I am happily remarried now.

    Some things you need to consider are.

    1. I’m sorry but this is most likely not the first time she’s cheated on you. (That was a hard pill for me to swallow myself) And she most likely will do it again if you stay with her as she now knows that cheating is not a dealbreaker for you.

    2. Your happiness in life is yours alone and should not sacrificed for anyone. I understand you have kids but they will always be your kids. But this “dead” like feeling you have now will never go away as long as you are still with her.

    3. Alcohol is never an excuse for bad behavior. Most men are restricted from their girlfriends and wives from going out drinking with the boys because it’s assumed that they will cheat. However in actuality I know far more men that have been cheated on than any of my female friends.

    I personally would get rid of her. It’s a very difficult thing to do but your life will get better over time.

    Trust me if a person like me can find happiness post divorce, then a person like you DEFINITELY will as well.

    I’m sorry to hear about your situation and you have no idea how much I understand the pain you are going through right now.

38. Lots of good advice posted. First, move her out of your bedroom. Next see a lawyer. Tell them everything that happened, along with your fear of her taking the children away. Most are correct, parents cannot move states with kids usually, also the parent that cheated is often judged harsher. Have them advise you if dna testing the children is needed/won’t reflect poorly on you getting custody. Notice how I am not suggesting trying to fix this relationship. Mostly because what she did is straight up unforgivable. If your child came home and told you their spouse of many years went out and cheated on them, what advice would you give them? You would tell them they are worth more than they were getting, and need to protect themselves and their children. Think hard about what you would want them to do, and then do that for yourself

39. Be asking her to see a doctor to see what else she might have gotten

40. I agree with others. Get a divorce. I went through something like this and tried to make it work. 6+ years later and it’s still a shit marriage at times because of what happened. Lack of trust, spirit destroyed, etc.

    You really should divorce. This isn’t something time will heal. It’s going to take years of couples counseling and personal counseling to fix.

    Your wife just ruined your life. Make her your ex wife and at least stand a chance of being happy again.

41. She cheated on you, willingly. Just for the fact that she was very distance from you during the trip, don’t believe that it’s a one-time and happened only on the first night she’s back in her home state.

    File for divorce and fight hard for joint custody.

42. Talk to a lawyer.

    In my state, mom can back move to home state. It’s a free country. But children stay with dad where they have a life and connections.

43. This doesn’t pass the smell test. She “just went along with it” is bullshit. She went along with it because she wanted to. She’ll likely do it again next time she feels like it. To me this is a zero trust scenario. I could never trust a woman who cheated ever again and every time something even seemed odd I’d personally be thinking she’s cheating again. It would permanently ruin my life.

    So the decision is do you divorce and go through that pain putting yourself together and be whole again some day post divorce, or do you live with that shadow over your marriage for the rest of your life, perpetually thinking if she’ll do it again or if she already is and you just don’t know it.