Despite the conventional wisdom about how consent must be clear and explicit, I’ve found that attempting to bring up sex explicitly on a date or while kissing on the couch for instance seems to be a turnoff for many women, as if it should be an unspoken act as you see in movies.
So short of asking something direct like ‘are you happy to go all the way tonight? I’d love to but there’s no pressure at all’ how should a guy gain consent?
I don’t like the method of escalating slowly until I hit a red light because that seems to put undue pressure on her, and she might feel uncomfortable with saying no.
7 comments
“How would you like it if <insert fun act here>”
“I want to <insert foreplay here>”
Anytime you escalate from kissing to something else like groping, hand stuff, body kissing, etc…just ask her gently “is this ok?” (EXAMPLE: assuming you are already at the point of playing or kissing on her boobs, gently kiss down her stomach to her pelvic region them around to her thigh. If she seems hesitant then stop immediately but if she seems receptive then before going all rhe way down on her, give her a few more gentle kisses on her thigh then ask “can I?”)
Its as simple as that. She will appreciate the fact that you are checking on her and making sure she is comfortable, and a man who cares about the comfort of his partner is one of the sexiest things.
I literally ask if they want to have sex. PIV is implied. I do put on a condom. Anything further you get further consent.
I hate the idea that’s being pushed around that consent isn’t sexy 😠😤
You can literally dirty talk your way into consent, and it can be really hot if you put a little effort into it.
If you’re making out, grinding, moaning etc, and things are getting really heated, “Fuck, I’m so turned on by you. I’m trying really hard to be respectful, I just want to be inside you so bad.”
That opens the door for her to say, “FUCK, YES PLEASE” or steer the conversation another way, like “Can we just keep making out?”
Of course this could all be me coming from a place of privilege, speaking as someone who also prefers direct communication. I know it’s not that easy for everyone to be forward with boundaries. Just my two cents 💜 best of luck.
>Despite the conventional wisdom about how consent must be clear and explicit
That is not conventional wisdom, it’s conventional cant. People are deliberately giving you terrible advice.
>I don’t like the method of escalating slowly until I hit a red light because that seems to put undue pressure on her,
Why is that “undue” pressure? That seems like the right amount of pressure. You are conveying to her the information that she needs to know to make a decision.
>she might feel uncomfortable with saying no.
Presumably you are having sex *with an adult*. You have an ethical responsibility to respect her bodily autonomy; you have a social responsibility to treat her with the level of respect you would want in return; you have **zero** responsibility to pretend that she is making a decision in a vacuum and it will have no effect one way or the other.
**Edit**: terrible typo!
“We gonna do this, or what?”
Get her to say yes instead. Continue doing something you have established both want, then pause to ask, maybe whispering, “you want me to go on/ you want more?/ etc.” When she says yes escalate a bit again. You can also slow down some times and let her escalate.
I get that you dont want to slowly escalate, but asking in advance doesn’t resolve the pressure issue completely. Maybe she changes het mind but because she already expressed consent before, she feels she can’t say no