Me and my best friend since middle-school recently collaborated on a film project. I’m an amateur writer, and it’s always been a dream of mine to bring my stories to life. I told my friend some of my ideas, and he thought they were pretty good. He has a background in film, but hasn’t made anything of significance in a few years. We both thought it would be a great project to work on and would be a lot of fun.
It has been anything but… He’s hypercritical of my ideas. He won’t just give constructive criticism, he will tear my scripts apart and make personal attacks at me. I showed him a script of a rough draft I had. He said the couple in my story say each other’s name too much. And asked me if I even know how regular people speak. He said I probably haven’t been in enough relationships. I asked another friend to read my script to see if it was really that bad. She said she thought it was really good and didn’t really see any of the issues he pointed out. (He gets extremely touchy with anything involving relationships, especially marriage, because he’s still bitter about his divorce.)
He’s a perfectionist to a fault, and would rather do nothing than do anything less than his ideal. He’d often get unusually offended at my suggestions, but then end up going along my any ideas away, without acknowledging I was right.
During the filming process, he wanted to fire every cast and crew at some point for minor slights, threatened to quit several times, told me this project would be nowhere without him, called me autistic multiple times, and was just a Debbie Downer throughout. It didn’t seem like he enjoyed any part of the process, just always stressed out.
Despite everything, we managed to get it done. I told him afterward that he deserved half the credit for all the work he put into it. His film skills were crucial. He got mad and told me not to put half the responsibility on him. He said he was just doing it as a favor and that this will probably be the last film project we work on.
Yesterday, I tried pitching a new idea to him, and he seemed frustrated and annoyed from the start. He said I was wasting him time with cliche ideas. He said it’s been done before, and listed two similar films from over a decade ago. It hurt because I spent all night working on it and was so excited to share it with him. I even pitched it to someone else first to make sure it made sense.
I literally just took all the abuse in stride because I needed to keep the team together to see the project to the end. We still need to edit the film, but I don’t know if I can work with him anymore.
He’s always been a difficult person, but I never realized how bitter and angry he’s gotten.
But I don’t think I can put up with his negativity much longer. How do I tell him he’s really toxic to work with?
7 comments
Is he like this outside of work too? He doesn’t seem like someone I’d want to be friends with
If he’s just a friend you tell him “you are a very toxic person”
Seems he doesn’t like when people beat around the bush. So be upfront and to the point. That maybe as much as you can get in before he starts blaming you for it. Tell him you don’t expect explanations and walk away. That’ll leave him with the thought and maybe he will have a life changing event.
Either edit the film yourself or hire an editor, and find better friends.
I cut out a toxic asshole like him from my life a few years ago, and while I occasionally have moments where I miss our gaming sessions, I am generally much happier.
Don’t mix business and friendship.
This will save you a lot of hassle for the rest of your life.
Well that would certainly explain why hasn’t produced anything of significance in years. Anne it might even explain why he is currently divorced.
As to why he’s like that, he definitely has some serious issues with anxiety and insecurity. It is getting worse over time. He is pushing people and projects away because of it. And you won’t be the first to cut ties with him until he’s ready to pull his head out of his own ass.
It might be helpful if you wrote him a letter explaining how difficult it was to work with him in the most neutral tone possible. It won’t do much in the short term, but it may help him in the long term.
The whole part with him threatening to fire everyone? Calling you autistic? Threatening to quit?
This all screams narcissism. Abuser. I’d run run run far away from this person the first chance you get (preferably with a swift kick to the nuts first). They will emotionally wreck you given the chance.
I’m 100% sure you’re just the latest person in a long LONG line of good hardworking people that they’ve been a piece of shit to.
Edit: oh! I don’t believe telling them that they’re toxic will do a damn thing to change them. People like this either need to hit rock bottom to change, or will just never change regardless.
You can certainly warn other people about them however.
Don’t work with him! Maybe he can refer you to other people. It makes it easier that he doesn’t seem to want to work with you, anyway.
If you need to tell him he’s gotten toxic as a friend, within the friendship specifically, do so. But if it’s just about working together, just don’t work together.