I don’t know I’m just going to ramble and see if anyone relates.
I’m 23F, my siblings are 40F, 43 F, 49 M, and 50 F. My parents are 60s/70s
I think I have abandonment issues because growing up I always felt I was watching my family through a window. I was the youngest and showered with gifts but also I never felt equal to anyone, even now.
My entire life I was never really included in conversations during family events. Even when it was my birthday I’d sit there zoning out completely while my siblings talked to eachother. This was every dinner. When I communicated my problem they blamed me for being antisocial and hard to talk to. I’m often interrupted or talked over or ignored to the point my mum has tried to call people out when it happens because it was a common theme.
I even get shocked when I’m hanging out with my friends having dinner and I say a sentence and…they hear me…and respond? Like I’m not invisible.
My siblings all moved out by the time I was 5 and sister bonding days were my sisters talking go eachother while I had to play by myself. I find these days it’s hard to even contribute to family event and dinner conversations because the topic is always about renovating their house and getting loans and things I’ve yet to experience, only living in an apartment.
I don’t know if that’s because I’m socially inept however. Maybe if I was different I could find ways to meaningfully contribute to the dinner conversation. I’ve stopped having birthday dinners with my family because I’m sick of being g ignored. I remember on my 18th birthday dinner I was sat in the corner, not saying anything because the entire topic of conversation was all about one of my sisters. Nobody even bothered to ask how it felt to be 18 or anything. I felt so alone and when I cried at home I was screamed at by my parents.
My siblings also parent me a lot. They always tell me off for things constantly and try to correct me. I remember when I was doing homework at 10pm on my laptop and my sister stole it from me telling me to sleep. I had a huge tantrum and sobbed for hours but never got it back and so I got detention for having incomplete homework.
My friends notice that everyone babies me and tries to teach me how to do things I already know. My sisters also walk infront of me, even when it’s just us two and don’t walk side by side with me. One of them even says she’s my mother to strangers.
I just feel like there’s a race that I could never even hope to participate in, like everyone’s so far a ahead and having fun and I can’t get close enough.
I don’t know my brother, I’ve met him four times because he lives in England. But the thing is…. my sisters grew up with him and have stories and parties and are so close with him.
Sorry this was probably long I just wish I could feel closer
I just want to know what other people would do in this situation. Communicating and telling them I feel left out hasn’t worked at all
12 comments
Sadly they are not listening to you and even when you were upset at 18 they dismissed and negated your feelings. They have all continued to invalidate you and I can feel that upsets you a lot.
Sadly your attempts to communicate have also been shut down.
All of these people from 40 to 50 years of age are middle aged people who lived together whilst you were 5 when the last person left. The age gap is huge and I wonder if they were not blood related would you choose them for your friends?
They could all literally be your parents.
It feels like you are looking for validation, people to love you and be family with you. But these people are not interested in doing that.
So really as the only person that can change how you feel is you, then you need to find that love internally inside of yourself and by building a network of people around you like your friends that do help you feel connected to other people.
Often people with dysfunctional families find that going low contact helps a lot, their mental health is better because of accepting that you cannot always get what you need from family and giving yourself the love you deserve by going out and finding it elsewhere.
Find those people who are interested in you, who do like talking to you. Learn some active listening skills and be a great friend, volunteer for something and make connections.
You are not stuck only having family to love you and be peers, there are loads of other people who are genuinely loving and kind and interested in you and don’t have to be born into your family to be part of your family of choice. You just havn’t met them yet.
I am sure you are interesting and lovely to talk to and your sibilngs are missing out, but that is their loss and maybe they will regret that one day. Don’t waste any more thoughts or time on people who don’t care to show you that you are valued by them, value yourself instead.
My family was severely fractured by religious indoctrination that fed abuse, poverty, and an acceptance of lesser treatment than we kids deserved by future friends and partners (because of the abuse we endured.) The mindset of, “They must love me… They don’t hit me, call me names, or cheat on me…” was very common in myself and my siblings until we reached out late twenties and realized how traumatized we all were.
I share this because it seems you’ve been made to feel like the mistreatment you’ve received is just normal in your family dynamic as well.
One day, you will be able to choose your family, and it will be glorious. For now you can choose to make your friends your family, as they actually listen to you and respect you more than your blood relatives; they make you feel seen and heard.
My siblings and I have been able to cultivate mostly good relationships as adults.
But my real family? It’s my boyfriend, my son, and my soon-to-be born baby girl.
That’s the family I have chosen, and they’re more dear to me than the family I was born into.
Cut the whole lot out of your life. They’re toxic to you and they don’t give a damn about you. If they did they would treat you the way they are. Go make a real family with people who actually care and leave these assholes in your dust.
When they finally notice you’re gone have them blocked everywhere and moved on to a new location far from them. Your fake family doesn’t deserve you or your time.
Good luck and stay strong. You’ll find the love you want and deserve. You just have to go find it.
I’m sorry this is how it is for you, I try to be nice to my little sister and include her in nostalgic memories because it’s kind of the same scenario with you. She’s 7 years younger though, but my other siblings and I are way close to each other since we grew up together. She was often neglected and talked over, or not taken seriously. I love her and I do get annoyed with her still because she likes to be a little know it all, but hearing your story I definitely want to pay more mind to her feelings since she missed out. I’m sorry what you’re going through, have you tried talking to them individually about your feelings?
Yea, I can relate. Same problem, but unlike you there is no age difference. I’m just the youngest and was shut out of social life with my siblings because of abusive behaviors.
A part of what I discovered is that I have a lack of self identity because of it. You first develop personal identity in your family, and if that is rejected, or ignored you can not have developed one. This and other reasons for the lack of personal self identity. Attempts to assert a self identity were ridiculed or insulted, in my case. I can only say that therapy helps.
It helps to stop striving for recognition from them because they have their habits and won’t change easily. I can only suggest you stop trying with them, and find yourself for yourself and with others. You do have an identity, and you can learn about yourself by living life with friends.
I could write a book on this topic, but I am trying to keep it brief. I’m sorry you went/are going through this, but you are young and with a good therapist you can get your life together. Take care and hugs.
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Cut them out of your life, they sound like they don’t consider you family and that you embarrass them. If you still live at home? Try to get out on your own and live your life and be happy without them. None of them care about you IMO, and don’t want to have any type of relationship with you. You are better off without them and the negativity they bring you. Don’t have any regrets about living your life without them and remind them that respect is a two way street. They probably feel that you are a burden to them.
While there’s not a big age difference between me and my siblings, we are radically different people. I get shit on for not being in their lives, but I moved away and became a much better person, and every time I was in my home country they didn’t bother to come see me. They’ve also said they won’t come here, and got upset when I expressed that that hurt.
Remember that you do not owe your biological family anything. Not love, not effort, not anything. They happen to be related to you. That’s it. I hope you find a way to come to terms with that, because you really don’t need these people in your life. Surround yourself with people of your choosing. They will turn into your family eventually.
Not going to be easy, but the only way you will get over it is to remove them from your life.
Send them a message, telling them that how they have treated you your entire life was toxic, that while you can understand that being an adult, and having a new born sibling is a difficult adjustment to make, but that was a problem between them and your parents, they shouldn’t have taken it out on you by ignoring you and thinking that showering you with gifts would make up for their actions.
Tell them that they no longer have a place in your life.
Then tell your parents the same, as they let this happen, if not actively participated in it your entire life.
>I just want to know what other people would do in this situation. Communicating and telling them I feel left out hasn’t worked at all
What you do in this situation is to be yourself and live your life, understanding that it’s not strange that people who are decades older than you do not have anything in common with you. They are, literally, two generations older than you are, OP. What could you possibly have in common other than your birth parents?
You really need to stop obsessing about them and be grateful for your youth and the long future ahead of you. You have your whole life ahead of you. Make it joyful. Treat them like what they are…distant relatives.
With such an age gap, you were essentially raised as an only child, with extra adult figures. You might never have a sibling relationship with them, but you can set boundaries. They are not your parents, and you are an adult now, anyway.
How is your relationship with your parents? Are they as cold and controlling as your siblings? Given their age when you were born, is it possible you are actually their granddaughter?
I felt all this so much, though to a much less severe degree. I only have one sibling and I’m only younger by one year, but it was very hard to break the “baby of the family” mentality, especially as the only girl in my generation with a very overprotective dad and just being very petite and young-looking in general. I’m 30 now and it’s still only been a few years since I had to fight with my parents about moving out on my own or walking to a bus stop alone in broad daylight while we were in the city. They all used to blatantly ignore me when I talked too much, even making it a joke like “oh you’re still talking??” or just starting to talk to someone else while i was still actively speaking so it was obvious they weren’t paying attention at all. I very much relate to how eye-opening it was going to college and being surrounded by people who actually listened to me and treated me as an equal.
Your situation feels much more extreme, especially with the much, *much* bigger age gap. And unfortunately, at least from your description here, your family feels much less nice than mine was in general, so I can’t say for sure that what worked for me will work for you. Moving out definitely helped some. I also had to call my family out every time they talked over me, no matter how much they brushed me off as just being too sensitive, until they finally started recognizing the problem and became more mindful of it. But that only worked because my family are overall decent people who were more stuck always thinking of me as a kid rather than just being mean.
In your situation, I can’t blame you for feeling like you’re too far behind to ever catch up. The sad fact is it’s likely true – you can’t retroactively make yourself part of the formative years your siblings spent together, or easily relate to people in a vastly different stage of life that you don’t already have that bond of growing up with. It might be better for your mental health to stop pushing for the inclusion you’re looking for. Focus more on your friends, since it sounds like you do have good ones. Worry about your own life as an independent adult. Don’t go out of your way to spend time with your family when it’s always a miserable experience for you anyway. You don’t have to cut them out completely, but it could be healthier to get some distance for a while.