Does anyone with kids at home commute and stay over in London each week ?

27 comments

1. I know people who’ve done that kind of thing in the past. One had a flat near the office (work was on the outskirts of London, so more affordable), the other just stayed in a dirt cheap hotel during the week.

   It’s doable, but with young kids I’m not sure it’s desirable. You have to have a think about whether you think it will work for you.

2. Cons – your wife is a single parent for much of the week. I can’t believe you didn’t even consider that

3. Can your wife survive as a single parent for half the time? It’s gonna suck

   What flexible working arrangements does your office have? Officially we’re hybrid 2 days but for staff living further away they are home based and come in once a month

4. Honestly sounds pretty miserable to me.

   My dad had a job with a very long commute for a while when I was a kid (leave at 5am, home at 8pm) and tbh it felt like we just didn’t really see him much for a few years

   I was older than yours though I think. Maybe 7 or 8.

5. I know a few people who have done this in the military both servicemen and MOD contractors. Generally they will stay either onsite (military personnel) or find a B&B Mon-Fri. If they are lucky there will be a colleague who lives nearby who will rent them a room mid week. Ive even heard of a contractor parking his camper on site and using the shower facilities at work.

   Being away for 2 or 3 days isnt as bad as mon – fri. Assuming you were to commute even from a shorter distance by the time you get home your young kiddies will be going to bed anyway then youll be getting up early again so you wont see much of them midweek anyway.

   If you take it as a 7 day week you’ll have say 2-3 days away and 4-5 days at home. Thats a lot more time at home than a lot of other mon-fri workers get. Even those who dont work away.

   My only concern would be accommodation being unpredictable. From people ive known its better to find a more local independent B&B and build up a bit of loyalty with them. If its the same nights every week they’ll be more than happy for the regular predictable custom and might even cut you a deal. Failing that find someone who has a spare room to rent. 2-3 nights a week midweek is ideal for a lot of people with a spare room, its not a permanent tennant, you are aren’t hanging about on a weekend and you come in from work get some scran and then go to bed so you are hardly there, you’ll only have a little bag of clothes with you so its like you are moving in with all your stuff. Im sure someone with a spare room will bite your hand off its practically free money for them.

6. I’ve known a few people over the years who have done a +4hr round commute. Personally, I’d find that too much, but I guess you get used to it.

   Regarding the kids, if you’re leaving before 7 and back after 7 you’re not going to see much of them anyway so it might be the better option to stay in London a couple of nights.

   But overall, I don’t think either are really sustainable long term. I’d move closer to London. I’m assuming you’re on a decent salary if you’re willing to commute so far. I live in Hertfordshire. It’s expensive but pretty reasonable if you’re on a London wage.

7. My first boss did this for some years. He made sure to cal home often, but his children did not answer anymore after a while. He regretted it so much. His marriage survived, but the relationship with his children was damaged.

   Please find another way. Work is just work, it is not the most important thing in your life.

8. I have no experience with this situation, but I certainly wouldn’t want to be either of you in this situation. No matter what you do, your quality of life is going to decrease because of your new job.

   Is the job really worth it? Seems like you’d be better moving to North Leicestershire and getting a job you can commute to from there.

9. I know people who have tried this and it’s ultimately fallen apart

10. How many days does your wife work per week when she’s not on maternity leave? How sure are you that you will actually get the support of the grandparents if and when it actually comes to it?

    I personally wouldn’t take the job. The accommodation costs etc will probably end up working out the same as the commute and you will still have to commute to and from once a week, not to mention any city commute that you’ll need to do if you stay there for 3 days a week. If you commute you will hate your life. I commuted from Kettering for 3 years and it was so hard in the end. Constant delays and having to stand for a lot of the journey etc.

11. Are you planning on your wife returning to work? How will she do this if you move to North Leicestershire?

    What happens when the office wants you in 5 days a week?

    For 2 or 3 days a week, you’re going to end up paying for hotels, paying for meals out.. it’s going to cost a fortune. Hotel availability is going to drive you nuts.

    I’ve spent 6 months ‘commuting’ from London to Dublin but work paid for the hotel and meals – the seperation from seeing my girlfriend and from living out of hotels got me very depressed. Yes, I felt like Alan Partridge especially once I could check into a hotel without giving my name. Eating out 3+ nights a week is a quick way to put on weight.

    Be prepared for: Your wife having to be a single-mother half a week and an increasing resentment for it.

    Your kids: You’ll miss them loads. They’ll not be that bothered eventually.

    4hrs there, 4hrs back, every single week. You’ll get home late and exhausted.

    Sounds like you should look for houses in Stevenage.. it’s not that bad!

12. 2 kids under 3? You couldn’t pay me enough to constantly be away for multiple nights per week.

13. I know people who commute Monday; stay over in London; go back Tues evening; work from home weds and have plenty of family time; back on the train Thursday morning, stay over and train it back Friday evening. People in the west country, midlands etc do this and I can actually see the sense in it. Obviously it puts more work on your wife, but for some it’s a reasonable balance Vs being home late every night. Note that in all the cases I’ve seen of this, the wife doesn’t have a job (not that being a mum isn’t a job, but you know what I mean).

14. We had a neighbour like that, was a similar age to their kids.

    The marriage fell apart as they just lived separate lives, and the relationship with the younger kid wasnt great as he only saw his dad 2 days a week (older one had more of dad before that job)

15. I know having money is important, but for me, you decide to have kids to…you know…have kids. Have meals with them, listen to their funny stories, impart your wisdom and life philosophies on them etc.

    Seems a bit odd to choose to have kids, and then choose to not be a parent for half the week.

    I know many don’t have a choice, through limited job options or relationship issues. But seems like you do have a choice.

    I also don’t get the free childcare, so I make some minor adjustments or personal sacrifices elsewhere to make it work. I’d never even entertain the idea of disappearing for half a week for the sake of some free childcare.

16. I work with a lot of guys who work away from home all week with young kids at home with the mother, and I was a child of a father who did the same. I think it’s very unlikely there are no negative consequences for the mother and children. Maybe it works well for some, but not most. Also will likely be more than 2 hours each way.

17. I used to do a scaled down version of this where I worked in London only 2 days per week (I live in the north east). Generally speaking though I’d get a train back up on the afternoon of the second day so I’d be home by around 6. Luckily my company paid all my expenses and they were hefty! A night in an ok hotel in London is £200+ and the costs of trains- as we all know is really high.

    I soon realised I could probably get away with one very long day; on the train at 0530, back home at around 2300 and that worked out well. Since Covid it’s now just occasional and I couldn’t go back to the weekly trips- they grind you down- especially for 2 or 3 nights. It’s just not worth it and your wife could end up resenting you having all those evenings in London to yourself while she’s battling with a toddler and baby.

    I’d say do not do it while the kids are so young; you should be there for them and the wife.

18. One of my good friends did this for virtually his whole career, it seemed to be going okay until it wasn’t and he got divorced.

    It was a crying shame really because he and his wife were a brilliant couple.

19. Speaking as a recent Grandparent. I am certainly not prepared for “free childcare” to be my retirement and neither is my wife. We will be dead soon and this is our time to use as wisely as we can. You sure your parents accept this role?

20. Ok, speaking from experience as someone who spent time working away from a wife with a young baby, don’t stay away from home. It’s difficult to over-emphasise how hard this will be for your wife. In the end I changed the job and stopped working away. Even if you are out the house long hours and missing kids bedtime etc some days, all time together as a family is valuable

21. I do this every week, 300mile round trip to London.
    Tried a few different variations but one I find best is drive down early morning day one stay over, start early day two, early dart and back in time for tea. Realistically miss a few hours with the family on the evening of day 1. Saying that used to work 15 miles away in Brum and some nights with traffic/trains I’d get home later. Its one big commute but how much time each did you spend commuting each day esp before COVID?

22. I commuted for 4 hours a day, 5 days a week for 9 years – far more preferable than staying up away from home even for one night.

23. 4 hr commute – thats when all trains running on time no delays no cancellations? In reality a lot of days your communte will end up being much longer. From one whose very good friend used to commute train time around 2 hrs from Eastbourne- London Bridge station – reality she often wasnt home till hours later – is that how you want to exist?

24. You’ll hate it. I did that without having kids and believe me it’s draining. The novelty soon wears off and you start feeling like you have two separate lives. Home and london.

    Different friends, lifestyle and networks in each place. If you’re spending three days in a city you’ll need to find things to do or you’ll go crazy, and those things usually mean making new friends and acquaintances (work or otherwise).

    It put strain on my relationship due to the inevitable growing apart that happens from spending 50% of your time separate. Also you’ll find the time that you’re home you’ll be under immense pressure to spend all of your time with your friends family and loved ones. You don’t get any time to switch off.

    Not to mention the commute days take it out of you because trains are always cancelled or delayed, and the stress lasts into the next day.

    I also imagine that a lot of the resentment will build up from your wife. she’s being a single parent for half the time while you’re relaxing tucking into room service

25. You keep mentioning support from grandparents

    You won’t be there – is that what your wife wants ?

    I really think you need to talk to her – if she isn’t in it isn’t feasible

    I’ve seen it tear people apart and I’ve seen it work

    But you both have to agree

    Also your wife might want boundaries with your family and the ability to organise childcare her own way

26. As a father to a 4 month old and a 2 year old myself. I could unequivocally say that spending so much time apart from them would be heart breaking.

    The different phases young children go through, the different personalities they seem to have in those early years almost from month to month, I wouldn’t want to miss a moment. Your kids are only young once. For me, I would do the most to spend as much time as possible with my kids.

    I would also worry about the impact on my wife a lot. One bad night where both kids act up, become Ill or just won’t sleep would be horrible for her to go through alone.

27. As someone who was a registered childminder who lives in London, I don’t think you’re really taking into account anyone elses situation here.

    You are saying “free child care” as if you’re just expecting these grandparents to drop everything for 2 toddlers without any hesitation. Looking after toddlers is hard. It’s even more difficult the older you get. Especially when you’re related because often parents and grandparents have very different ideas about what is and is not acceptable. What are you going to do if they can’t deal with it? Or they’re suddenly filling your kids with ideas you find intolerable? What happens then?

    Also, the whole “kid free days, woohoo!” Attitude your giving, well what about your wife? Will she also get some of this “adult time out” you’re pegging it as? Or will she have to go to work, graft, and then come home and do 100% of the work for the time you’re not here and then probably an unequal amount of graft when you are because you’re either tired from travelling or want to spend some time with the kids?

    What about the expense? Do you have any idea how expensive it is to travel and stay weekly in London? What will that do to your overall wage? Still worth it? Or will it swallow the increase? What about food and socialising? How will that work?

    It’s not a straightforward answer either way, but you BOTH need to be 100% solid on the answers to all of these before you decide. If you just swan off without really thinking it through properly, you’re going to end up needing counselling at the very least.