TL;DR communication problems with my boyfriend
I [20F] and my boyfriend [21M] have been dating for a little over 8 months.
Initially, our relationship began as an open one, and he made an arrangement to still be able to have a connection with this girl that he met online – but has never met in person.
It didn’t take me long to fall for him and realise that an open relationship was not what I wanted – and he also agreed. However, over the last couple months I would occasionally find out that him and this online girl have been sexting and spending nude videos to each other which I was very uncomfortable with. Regardless, I had chosen to stay with him because he would tell me that this girl did not get in the way of how he would love me and that he loved me very much. However, for me that was not the issue. I very much feel cared for and loved by him, but the existence of the third (albeit) online person in this relationship made me uncomfortable and actually hurt me a lot. This caused issues and a few breaks in the relationship.
Fast forward to about a week ago, I had wrongly decided to snoop on his phone because my intuition was telling me something was off. I found messages of him and the girl talking about their futures together.
(To give context, he is quite obsessed with wanting to take her virginity which I had learned early on in the relationship)
That day, I had learned that they planned futures together, kids, and a lot of things that didn’t involve me.
Later on, when I had confronted him about it – He told me he was in an open relationship with her for a portion in the beginning of our relationship.
This greatly upset me because he would constantly assure me that she was just a friend – and that he didn’t love her. But this was a lie.
I am currently still with him – but ever since the loss of the other girl in his life he had claimed that his life has no direction.
I don’t know how to communicate to him that his words really hurt me. That he sees no point in his life because the fantasy he created in his head with a woman he has never met was faced with reality.
It makes me feel redundant and useless. I love him very much, and I know that he loves me and does a lot to show me he does – but when it comes to this girl he seemingly becomes a different person.
Usually when I try to communicate this, he claims he has not done enough to show me he loves me or that he’s not doing well enough.
2 comments
That’s not a communication problem, your boyfriend just doesn’t want to make a choice, and wants the benefits of both relationships.
Plus, he has been trying to hide his “relationship” with the other girl so he definitely knows that what he’s doing is shady/disrespectful of you.
It looks like you don’t agree with that, and do not want an open relationship. And I’m not sure that’s something you can compromise on.
From what I read, it sounds like your boyfriend is always prioritizing his relationship with this girl rather than your very-real relationship. Either he needs to step up and start respecting you/your feelings. Or you can just walk away and let him live his fantasy.
In any case, I would advise to not get farther in the relationship (moving-in/engagement/kids) as long as this problem is not completely solved. You’re not supposed to be the #2 girl in your boyfriend’s life
Seems to me that You started as his plan A then has been moved to plan B and You will remain plan B. As I see it he is not ready for an non open relationship. And from the way he hid from You that other girl was in a relationship with him speaks volumes about how immature and shady he is. Wouldn’t surprise me if he would make u his plan C. The question is would u belive him if he would say he will commit only to You and be exclusive. If not then move on.