I have been with my partner for almost 2.5 years now. As context, we met in college, we are both 23 and we’re living together. Naturally, arguments will happen, but I’m afraid we are reaching a peak. He told me when he is feeling overwhelmed, he gets dismissive. Similarly, I can get hostile and angry when I get overwhelmed. The difference here is that I have admitted that I don’t see an excuse for my behavior, but he has a free pass. Additionally, he even told me that he has seen active changes in my behavior. But every time I ask him to stop being dismissive or try to explain that it makes me feel like he doesn’t care, he tells me that’s something he can’t change. He just death stares or talks to me like I’m nothing then gets mad when that makes me cry. Then i’m overwhelming him. I don’t know what to do. Am I wasting my time even trying to reconcile? How do I approach this in a way that doesn’t end up in yet another argument? I know he feels attacked in the way that I speak sometimes, I really just need some advice on how to give positive feedback in a way that he can handle it without threatening to break up with me again. I’m trying to look up articles and research this but I’m just so tired of being the only one willing to change or try.
TL;DR – I have tried explaining to my partner that being spoken to in a dismissive way makes me feel awful. They get defensive and don’t take a moment to self-reflect. Need advice on how to approach it without being aggressive/critical.
5 comments
When someone tells you that not being able to be in a real relationship with you is just who they are and not something they can change, I would just break up. What’s the point in trying to have a relationship with someone who doesn’t even want to be capable of having one with you? He is opting out of such a basic part of what it means to be in a relationship, and he doesn’t even want to have it be different, so why are you trying to have a relationship with him?
Short answer is no. People like that don’t want any criticism, just compliance.
Long answer, he’s shown you he will never change. He has explicitly stated that is not going to happen, and has you convinced it’s entirely a You problem for You to solve as you’re attempting now. The breakup threat is a pretty textbook gaslighter plot here, as people will do that all the time to keep you in the relationship and not seeing the problem. It’s hard to have a serious conversation when the slightest discomfort could nuke the relationship. It creates a situation where it’s impossible to deal with any relationship problems and the best outcome you can hope for is figuring out how it’s your fault.
I know it’s not your goal, but I don’t think there’s any salvaging this. Best you might get is a promise to change, a token attempt for a week or so until it blows over, then back again.
I’m not sure how useful this will be but try and be precise and to the point but use “I” statements and not “you”. Try and speak calmly, it may help to write your frustrations down and then maybe bullet point it into clear concise issues ready for you to address him.
So for example – this action makes me like this – this way it’s less accusatory.
If he’s unwilling to respect and listen to this I don’t think he’s going to change and it may have to be a decision on if the relationship is for you.
People like that aren’t going to change. He’s already decided that it’s not something he wants to work on, and he’s not going to improve. I’d leave him for someone who actually respects their partner
Well, like many couples (my marriage included), you two have conflict resolution issues. It sounds like you recognize your weaknesses and have worked on finding a better way to deal with them. The SO, on the other hand, doesn’t want to budge on his behaviors, which is horrible.
First things first. If the SO were getting spun up to the point that you thought he was about to punch you in the face, how long would you stay in that particular situation? I would hope that you would recognize that he’s sending the signals that violence is coming your way, and that you would get out of that situation.
What you are facing now is emotional violence. He is NOT oblivious to your tears, and he knows that just by clamming up and staring at you, he can reduce you to a blubbering heap. He continues to do this because, well, it works.
My suggestion is to change that dynamic immediately. As soon as you recognize that he’s getting spun up, de-escalate. The conflict, by that point, has reached the point that continued engagement is counterproductive and, in the end, is just going to end with you in tears. Let him know that you see that he’s getting horribly upset, that you are disengaging but that you are not conceding anything. Then Go. If that means to another room, then do that. If that means grabbing the car keys and going to a movie by yourself, do that. Just do that long before you break down and cry, because your tears are his reinforcement.
I have to tell you that I’ve done this plenty of times. When the conflict gets contentious, sometimes that’s the only reasonable course of action. Sometimes, you just have to walk away.