This situation involves me [31F], my husband “Ryan” [32M] and our friend “Jenna” [33F] of 6 years.
Jenna has had a tough year. She has been struggling financially, had several bouts of illness, and in October her boyfriend of 3 years broke up with her.
In late November, Jenna glumly mentioned that she was going to be spending the festive season alone, as she had originally been planning to spend it with her boyfriend. For various reasons she couldn’t visit her family.
Ryan and I felt that Jenna didn’t deserve to be alone for Christmas and New Year. So we invited her to stay with us for the entire holiday period. She was so happy and we’ve all been excited for her visit.
After she arrived, we all went grocery shopping to get everything we’d need, including the Christmas food and drinks. Ryan and I were happy to pay for it all; we didn’t mind that Jenna didn’t offer to contribute (even if she had, we’d have refused).
However, I am a bit miffed that she hasn’t offered to help out round the house at all, and she’s been here for a week so far.
Every day, either Ryan or I have prepared every breakfast, lunch and dinner for the three of us. Jenna hasn’t once offered to make a meal or to help with the cooking. In fact, she hasn’t so much as offered to make us a drink.
She did once mention that she might make a meal on December 26th, but the day came and went and she didn’t. At 8:30pm I asked if anyone planned to make any dinner, and she said she wasn’t hungry. She hasn’t brought it up again.
She also hasn’t offered to do any dishes. (We don’t have a dishwasher.) Whenever Jenna is finished with a cup, plate or bowl, she simply leaves it on the kitchen table or the counter (dirty).
On Christmas day, Ryan and I cooked the entire dinner, then a few hours later washed all the dishes, pots and pans and cleaned the kitchen. Jenna didn’t offer to help with any of it.
She also doesn’t pick up after herself. Whenever she eats a snack, she leaves the empty wrapper on the couch or the floor. If she gets bits of food on the floor she doesn’t clean them up. On Christmas day, she left all the wrapping paper from her gifts on the floor.
Every evening, either Ryan or I will go around tidying; she will sit on the couch and watch while we go around her, picking up all her stuff.
I am starting to feel annoyed. Whenever I’m a guest in someone else’s home I always pick up after myself and offer to do things like dishes.
But at the same time, I feel it would be rude to outright *ask* a guest to help.
Ryan and I have tried dropping hints, like:
– “Well, I guess I should make a start on these dishes, since Ryan was kind enough to cook”
– “Hmm, this floor is looking dirty again already, I guess I’d better sweep up”
– “Dang it’s a bit of a mess in here, it could do with a tidy”
But so far she has not responded to any of them.
Yesterday, after I made dinner for us all, this conversation happened:
Me: Right, who wants to help me clean up the kitchen?
(Jenna was lying on the couch. I *thought* I heard her make an affirmative noise – “mhm!” – and she stood up. But then she just adjusted her pants and sat back down.)
Ryan: I’ll help you in the kitchen, B.
Me: Oh, Jenna, didn’t you say you were going to help?
Jenna: Uhh… no?
Me: Oh, sorry, I thought I heard you say ‘yes’ when I asked if anyone wanted to help me.
Jenna: Oh, nope, I didn’t!
She then sat there on her phone whilst Ryan and I did the dishes, tidied up and cleaned the counters.
I know we’re the ones who invited Jenna to stay, but I would appreciate if she at least offered to do little bits. Just for a bit of recognition. I feel like Ryan and I have been spending our entire Christmas break waiting on her.
But maybe this is normal guest behaviour? Neither my family nor Ryan’s family ever hosted guests while we were growing up, so maybe we are totally clueless.
So, should I outright ask Jenna to help? If so, how should I phrase it so as not to sound rude? Or would that be totally unreasonable – should I just suck it up?
**TL;DR** My husband and I invited our friend to stay for the holidays. She’s been here a week, and we’ve been feeding, cleaning and picking up after her the entire time. She hasn’t once offered to help, even though I’ve dropped hints. I feel annoyed, but I don’t know whether it would be fair to ask her to help out, because *we* invited *her* to stay. Should I say something or suck it up?
35 comments
Yes, instead of dropping hints just say “Jenna, can you please wash the dishes tonight?” She clearly needs a push and it doesn’t have to be a great source of tension
That being said, I would never behave the way she is!
Your guest sounds rude. While it’s polite hostess policy to not expect or require your guests to cook, clean etc. it’s also just plain rude as a guest to expect your hosts to pick up after your mess and not throw your trash out or clean up after yourself. She might be depressed. I would just not be so passive and instead be direct: “Jenna, do you mind cleaning up after dinner tonight? Ryan and I would like to go out for a date or watch a movie or whatever (you get my point). And when you see trash on the floor etc ask her if it’s hers and she left it here. Then say “do you mind throwing out your trash. We do not want to invite insects or pests in the home and are diligent about not leaving food crumbs or trash out that might”
You invited her, so it’s not her job to clean the house. I agree it’s incredibly rude that she hasn’t offered but there isn’t any rule that says she has to. Don’t invite her over again.
You’ve probably discovered one of the many reasons her ex broke up with her.
In my culture, it’s normal for a guest to be waited on, but not to the extent you’re describing. Leaving wrappers around, glasses/plates and food on the floor/furniture is not good guest behaviour, and a good guest will at least try to entertain with conversation while the hosts are cooking and cleaning the dishes.
Aside from that, you really should invest on a dishwasher. It’s such a game changer.
Eh. She’s a guest in your home and she’s clearly going through a lot so her mind isn’t on task. Instead of dropping hints, ask her to help.
“Hey, Jenna, we’re exhausted from cooking and cleaning all week. Can you please wash and rinse this sink full of dishes? It would help so much!”
If my guest was staying for a day or two, no expectations for them to help. A week, definitely yes, they are not at a resort but a guest who can also help with the dishes atleast and clean up after themselves.
Yes, just ask if that’s what you want.
What you’re wanting isn’t outrageous, it there’s definitely people out there were a guest isn’t to do anything while they’re in their home.
You also invited her because she had a rough year…it’s possible that she’s depressed which doesn’t exactly make people the most considerate and impacts all aspects of life. Not an excuse, but could be affecting her.
I don’t think it’s common for guests to clean while they’re visiting. I certainly don’t expect my guests to do any cooking or cleaning while they stay with me.
HOWEVER your guest isn’t even cleaning up after themselves and that is deserving of a discussion. A good guest is able to leave a place cleaner than they found it, or at the very least clean up after themselves.
You and your friend need to have a sit down discussion about her behaviors. She needs to start cleaning up after herself.
In the future, I recommend that if cooking & cleaning are expected behaviors you communicate that to your potential guest(s).
I think the other suggestions are good, but I think since you’ve been friends so long you should sit her down and be direct.
“Jenna, you’re a guest and I don’t expect you to cook and clean but I do expect you to clean up after yourself. I’ve given you a free pass for a couple of days but you need to start washing your dishes after you use them, throwing away your trash and cleaning up your crumbs. My home isn’t a hotel and I’m starting to get frustrated so I wanted to say something before I started to get angry.”
And let her respond. But I’m sure she’ll be ashamed.
“Hey Jenna, could you help me with the dishes please?”
“Hey Jenna, Ryan and I are pretty wiped out from cooking these last weeks – could I ask you to please handle dinner tonight, whether it’s cooking something or just arranging takeout? Thanks!”
“Hey Jenna, it’d be a huge help to us if you could please rinse up your dishes once you’re done with them rather than leaving them on the bench, seeing as we don’t have a dishwasher. Thanks so much!”
Seriously, the passive aggressive comments are just ridiculous, I know you’re trying to be subtle and not rude but they’re a) not working and b) actually make you sound much more rude than you’re being. It’s far less polite to make an underhanded comment and hope somebody takes the hint than it is to clearly and politely ask for what you want. Nothing you’re asking for is unreasonable, and a more considerate houseguest would have already offered to cook and clean a little – but Jenna is clearly not in that category so if you want her to do her bit, you’re gonna have to ask in such a way that she can’t say no without being a dick.
I know it’s awkward but you do need to use your words, “can you please help with this, I need a hand, could you do, etc,” this way she can’t slide off suggestions or hints.
Well, she isn’t invited to stay ever again!
Don’t cook tomorrow! The 2 of you are exhausted!! See if she offers!
Is it your friend or your husband’s friend? If it’s your friend, you should confront her by asking nicely. Sometimes people don’t have the awareness (likely due to her upbringing). I wouldn’t consider her a rude guest unless she continued this behavior after being confronted.
For one don’t be passive aggressive about it, your “hints” are doing what you want them to.
>Every day, either Ryan or I have prepared every breakfast, lunch and dinner for the three of us.
Why are you doing this every day? Wouldn’t sharing dinner be easiest and the rest of the time it would be fend for yourselves?
It would seem that way to me. I wouldn’t cook/ make a guest 3x meals a day. But would make it known that they can pull anything from the kitchen as long as they cleaned up after themselves.
How much longer is she staying? I wouldn’t invite her over to stay again. It sounds like she’s gone through a lot, but she’s also being a rude guest. The least she can do is pick up after herself.
I find it very difficult to cook or clean up in someone else’s kitchen. I can’t find anything, I don’t know how things work, they use different kinds of things than I do. I always make mistakes or get stuck. I find that when I offer to help, people don’t usually spend any time giving good and thorough instructions. I seem to be in the way or constantly making them stop what they are doing to put away the dish that I just unloaded from the dishwasher or get me the “proper” container to store the leftovers rather than the wrong one I started to use.
I don’t think guests should be asked to cook or clean but not picking up her own garbage or cleaning spills up is disgusting and rude.
I would never expect a guest to clean or wash the dishes. That’s just being a bad host. However, not offering is her being a bad guest. But it sounds like she could be having mental health struggles and sometimes even the best intentions don’t come to fruition (cooking a planned dinner).
You could just ask her to pick up her own wrapper and garbage or once she is done using a cup outside of mealtime, if she could wash it. But I wouldn’t expect her to cook a meal, wash mealtime dishes, do laundry or vaccuum unless this was a temporary living arrangement and the rules were agreed upon.
Look at it this way….all the pain and suffering you’re going through are giving you much needed clarity that your friend is not really your friend, but a self-centered child. Use this information you’ve gathered wisely, and never invite her over again EVER.
If you and your husband have a bitchy gay friend, invite him over, and get him to shame TF out of her. It’s called Good Cop / Bad Gay Bitchy Cop. You can also substitute a gay for a no nonsense Korean, as well. They don’t take any whiney BS from other people.
I think the cleaning/cooking expects too a of a guest vary based on length of stay and nature of visit.
Since this is an extended stay over a week to share in the holidays, it is a reasonable expectation that she shares in the holiday activities which includes some cooking/cleaning.
Should she be expected to vacuum and dust? No. But I’ve never been a guest somewhere and not cleared my own dishes from the table and at least rinsed them off.
I struggle with anxiety, badly. It is easiest for me if you ask me and then give me a specific job. The not knowing what I should do and not knowing how to do it in your house would cause me to freeze up and not ask to help you. It’s a rotten viscous cycle.
But I would most definitely clean up after my snacks and would not leave stuff all over someone’s house for them to clean up.
She’s being rude and your frustration is warranted, but she also has plausible deniability because you’ve never explicitly asked her to help, and you’ve never voiced these concerns to her. It’s impossible to know how self-aware she is about her behavior, but there is at least a chance that she just wasn’t raised right and needs some gentle correction.
I will say that dropping hint after hint, when she’s obviously not getting them, isn’t terribly productive and probably won’t get you what you want. You either gotta confront her or suck it up and say nothing.
I really think it depends on your relationship with friend. I don’t expect people to cook or clean when they come over. I actually feel awkward when they try to clean since I feel like it then isn’t clean enough. And they usually ask a ton of questions since they don’t know where anything is or where it goes. I do expect them to keep my stuff clean though.
Generally speaking you don’t ask a guest you invited into your home to do chores.
I never expect my guests to clean my house. Clean up after themselves? Yes. But clean up after others? No. That is part of being a “guest”. I would say, “hey girl! We love having you visit but all I ask is that you pick up your mess after yourself. To make things easier on everyone, we all rinse our dishes after eating and the trash can is insert location here for any snack wrappers or uneaten food. Thank you.”
Lol.. My God these comments are mind blowing. People here actually condone what she’s doing? Your house isn’t a fuckin hotel for goodness sake. You are friends with her, you offered to mitigate her pain and loneliness by extending your company to her. The VERY LEAST she can do is contribute to the household chores. Nothing less is acceptable. This isn’t a retreat or rehab centre for her. She came for company, not to “recover”.
She’s selfish. Plain and simple. She’s ignorant and she’s a horrible user. Doesn’t take much to see why the ex probably broke up with her.
Tell her you feel taken advantage of. Tell her that you are also on a holiday season relaxed mode and as such you don’t want to be picking up after her like a child. People need to stop this tiptoeing around issues because they fester and become resentment. If she wants to live like a vagrant without cleaning or cooking for herself, let her go back to her shitty place. This is unacceptable.
here’s my take from being both visitor and host often throughout my life. this is *MY* experience so it’s not universal. every time i’ve hosted or have been hosted, every one of these points were followed as i explain, both casual and long term visits, by middle school friends staying for dinner and adult trips alike.
1.) only very close family takes the initiative to clean, if they do at all. ex: uncle who lives nearby and visits often does dishes at grandpas, but my parents who live across the country and visit once a year don’t. i occasionally help with dishes at my in-laws. dishes are pretty much the only chore guests partake in. we’ve never expected others or have been expected to clean much further than picking up after our own messes. it’s a little rude of your guest to leave additional messes and not clean her own dishes, but i dont blame her for not doing everybody’s dishes after a meal, say. if the stay is longer than a few days i’d expect to offer to do dishes maybe once or twice in the week, but dishes were still usually the hosts job.
2.) cooking is typically done by the hosts. guests were never expected to supply food or meals if they are staying at the house. guests occasionally are expected to bring a dish if it’s a holiday/day trip that has a large meal everyone will eat, provided they aren’t staying at the house, or are comfortable enough preparing it there while staying. i’ve helped with side dishes when asked at my in-laws or close relatives, but never cooking full meals or main courses for the hosts all by myself. i’m a very anxious and awkward person, i would feel very nervous being expected to cook for someone else, in their home with all of their stuff, all alone. i’m not your hired help, i’ve been offered a place to stay by you. you initiated this situation, even if she had remarked on her lack of holiday plans.
3.) i’ve covered this before but guest etiquette is to pick up after yourself and if the host is comfortable with you using their stuff, cleaning any dishes you use. this may require extra explanation from the host as to their preferred cleaning method (rinsing it out in the sink for host to clean later vs washing the dish by hand vs quick rinse then dishwasher, etc.) the idea behind your actions as a guest is essentially living as if you would be able to collect your things and leave without a trace immediately if asked. no belongings strewn about, no uncleaned trash, no making yourself completely at home. depends on the length of the stay, obviously, and your familiarity to the hosts. i’d make sure all of my belongings were always in my bags unless being used at a friends, but at my parents for a long stay i would let myself make a nice dirty clothes pile over here, books/entertainment/etc on this dresser, etc.
4.) communication is key. when you said holiday season i expected this stay to be nearly over, so i was confused as to why you were so pressed about this. set expectations according to length of stay and familiarity with guest. even with a long stay or close family i’d personally feel uncomfortable with someone using my kitchen, so i’d offer it if they wanted to cook once or twice while visiting, but ultimately assume all food responsibilities were mine. i’d ask for preferences (spice tolerance, allergies, etc) to make sure i wasn’t leaving a guest hungry. these practices were also extended toward me whenever i was a guest somewhere. if you’re determined she cooks i’d say you’d be interested in trying her cooking and you’d love to taste a meal she makes at home that’s one of her favorites. i *would* 100% say that you enjoy hosting her but to leave messes for you to clean up outside of normal daily use chores (i.e a toilet being used) is a little inappropriate, and i’d ask that she picks up after herself. go over the dish expectation for when she uses your dishes like i mentioned in number 3.
5.) i think passive aggressive comments about cooking or dishes are inappropriate for a host to make regardless, but especially if the host has not mentioned that cooking or cleaning was 100% expected. if so far you had only said casual comments that cooking was fine and help with dishes would be appreciated, you can’t really get mad for her failing to do so when she didn’t realize it was viewed as a requirement. explain you’d appreciate it if she took a turn cooking or helped with dishes after a meal, but personally i would never expect either of these from anybody i hosted regardless of how close we were. this is my house that i invited them into, they are not my child to assign chores to for household upkeep. this is not their household. they have no responsibility to scrub toilets or load my dishwasher. hands off my stuff please! i’d make an exception for longer stays, but typically only if the stay was a month or longer, and the guest essentially *has* to make themselves at home to some degree.
I’m probably going to go against the grain here but Jenna is being incredibly rude. There’ a difference between staying at a hotel and being a guest at a friend’s house. The latter means I want to be as little trouble as possible and not to be waited on hand, foot and fingers.
I’ve been very fortunate to stay in friend’s houses longer term and I always offer to cook at least one meal (or buy takeout/take them out for dinner), and tidy up after myself including doing the dishes (or emptying the dishwasher). I’ve had one person stay who, like Jenna, sat around as if she as at a hotel. She’s never staying again.
I think you should say something along the lines of ‘Jenna could you help me in the kitchen please?’ or similar. Make her feel useful ‘Jenna could you peel the potatoes please’.
Consideration and etiquette would have her offering to help, but she is a guest, per your invitation, and not obligated to pitch in financially, or manually.
“Please come and stay with us… Now that you’re here, I’d greatly appreciate a $500 contribution to cover groceries, an additional $150 for utilities, on top of the $75 per night. Do you have a major credit card? I need a $1,250 deposit for the room. While I’m processing this, would you mind raking leaves, mowing the yards, cleaning the pool, doing the dishes, and my shoes are in desperate need of a shine. Thank you.”
you guys are being pretty passive tbh, and while i’d be completely mortified if i were her, this might be normal behaviour she doesn’t think is off, so you’re just working yourselves up by not communicating. if you try to suck it up, you’ll just end up resenting her.
so yes, you should absolutely just straight up ask for help. instead of just letting your request float in the air hoping she’ll pick it up by asking ‘ok, who wants to help with the dishes?’ instead ask if she can help you like you need a favour. ‘Jenna, can you help me with the dishes real quick?’ and give her a specific task you’d like her to do that will help it go faster (rinsing/drying, for example) or perhaps ask which part she would like to do. if she’s left a bunch of rubbish, just ask her to clean up her mess (or help clean up if you’ve also contributed). when she helps (whether you’ve asked or not), thank her. don’t lay it on really thick or anything to try to make her feel bad though. be genuine. good luck OP
Take it as a lesson in grace. You said she’s had a rough go of it. Let her relax for a bit.
We don’t invite people into our homes for them to pull equal weight. It is great if they offer to help, but this is not a requirement.
This is why you don’t invite people to stay with you. This is how you learn not to invite people to stay with you.
“Jenna I would be really grateful if you could make sure that wrappers go in the bin”
I wouldn’t expect guest to clean or cook while they were staying but I would expect them to clean up any mess they create that is foreseeable. Dropped food, picking up wrappers, taking stuff to the kitchen after use.
So all these comments calling your friend a “guest” and how guests shouldn’t help….just no.
She’s not “just a guest”, she’s your friend. When I’m visiting my friends (or even when they’re visiting me), whether it’s for 1 dinner or 1 week, you help your friends out. Dishes, cleaning up after yourself, offering to help when they’re doing things you’re involved in. If you’re friends, you care about your friends enough to not burden them with your presence, and also you should *want* to help them.
Where you went wrong is your soft hints. Just tell her your appreciate it if she’s pick up after herself and do some dishes every now and again. She’s not royalty coming to visit you, she’s not some unknown extended family you have to treat with extra care, she’s supposed to be your close friend. You’re not wrong to expect her to be a little bit more present
>She also doesn’t pick up after herself. Whenever she eats a snack, she leaves the empty wrapper on the couch or the floor. If she gets bits of food on the floor she doesn’t clean them up. On Christmas day, she left all the wrapping paper from her gifts on the floor.
I would say that you should address this very directly with her, when you see it happening in the moment eg “Jenna, can you bring your snack wrappers to the bin in the kitchen please” and “Jenna, I see you dropped some food, can you please clear that up”. This should not be controversial to say. Start here. Keeps asking her to keep her own, very specific mess cleared up.
For the rest, it seems she’s behaving like a day guest rather than a longer guest. This is tricky, but you could ask her to give you a hand with washing up if your partner has done the cooking etc…