I (23F) have been with my partner (24M) for over a year and we’ve had discussions around his “ex-friend with benefit” who is now just a “friend” as he is in a relationship. When we started dating, I knew they were friends and she was in an open relationship, but I didn’t know that my boyfriend had been sleeping with her up until a month before we started dating. He told me this fact a week into our relationship and it honestly made me feel so insecure and paranoid because he would see her at least once every fortnight at that point. I felt especially uncomfortable when he would hang out with her one on one.
Now, I’ve already talked to my boyfriend twice over the course of a year, both being very serious talks and how hurt I was by his actions regarding this friend. He’s only been seeing her max once a month nowadays, and when it’s in a group setting (never one on one). I’ve met her and her partner before as well and they’re both nice people. I thought I got was over it honestly and I felt okay when he would go over to play board games at their place (they live really close). But I feel like I’m not actually comfortable with it still. I’m okay when I go with him, but when he tells me that he’s going there by himself, my heart kind of flinches every time.
It’s not that I don’t trust him, but their past relationship makes me uncomfortable knowing how intimate they were and how they’ve seen each other like that. I want to be okay with this and stop feeling so insecure or uncomfortable. I’ve tried for the past year we’ve been together. But why am I still feeling like this? I don’t want to tell him again and make him feel like he can’t hang out with his friends anymore, that’s not what I want. I just want to be okay with the whole idea but I can’t.
What is the best course of action here? Should I talk to somebody about this? I don’t even know who I could talk about this to… Should I tell him despite knowing he will still hang out with them and there’s nothing going on between then?
tl;dr: I’ve talked to my bf twice about how his relationship with his past “fwb” who is now just a “friend” and how uncomfortable I am when they hang out. He has since only seen her in a group setting and once a month max. I thought I was ok with it now, but my heart still flinches when he tells me that he is going over to her and her partners house to play games or watch a movie. Should I tell him again despite knowing that he won’t stop seeing them? Or should I keep it to myself and work on feeling more comfortable?
5 comments
Would he be okay if you mer your past fwb or ex one on one?
I guess not.
Also they have a open relationship, do you really believe he goes over to play board games? They be having threesomes atleast.
Its not okay to meet up with old fwbs or exes while in a relationship.
I am pretty sure he crossed many boundaries from you. If someone told you all that stuff how its going to be, him meeting his fwb one on one and playing bord games at their place you wouldnt have willed into this relationship and looked instead of someone who respects his relationship partner.
I’d speak to him again and be truly open and honest about your real feelings. This happened to me as well and as a result, my boyfriend only sees that person a few times a year in a group setting. They don’t message, call or anything anymore. My boyfriend probably would have liked to stay friends with her but he knew he couldn’t have both so now he is ok with it. I think you just need to be fully transparent with your boyfriend and tell him that you’re not cool with them being friends anymore at all, and if he respects your boundaries and prioritises you then he’ll keep her at a distance. If not, then you have your answer – that you’ll have to accept the situation and that maybe you’re not compatible if you can’t accept it.
Honestly, I think you should keep it to yourself and try to work on feeling more comfortable. It’s understandable that you feel insecure and uncomfortable knowing about your boyfriend’s past with this person, but ultimately it’s not healthy to try and control who your partner hangs out with. It’s important to trust your partner and have faith that they’re not going to cheat or do anything to hurt you. If you’re really struggling with these feelings, maybe try talking to a trusted friend or family member about it, but therapy is definitely not necessary in this situation. Just try to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship and remember that your boyfriend is with you now, not this “friend.”
Whatever happens I can guarantee he’ll go back to her in a heartbeat if you dump him over this
You said that after you spoke to him, He would only see them in group situations but then went on to say he goes over their house to watch movies with just them.
The fact that they have an open relationship is the red flag for me. I wouldn’t be comfortable.