We’ve been together for a year now (LDR) and at first, things were really good and I felt so happy with him (and still do but lately however, we’ve been fighting so much and it’s tiring and feels bad. The fights aren’t about anything super serious. It’s more like he will do or say something that comes off like he doesn’t care about me (or about me that much anymore) which upsets me and then we argue. But then it usually turns out that he didn’t know x-thing would hurt my feelings because it wasn’t a big deal to him or whatever. Anyways we apologize and move on.
Since this was turning into a bad pattern, this time when something similar happened, I thought of suggesting that we take a break to clear our minds and “reset”. When he woke up that morning, I asked to call because I wanted to talk. He said sure and we got on call and he asked what I wanted to discuss. For some reason, I felt really unsure about the break then… maybe because 1. I have an anxious-attachment style and I’m afraid to be alone?? (I don’t know, that sounds kind of bad to type out) and 2. I really wanted to maybe try and make changes with him first.
Since I was no longer sure about the break, I told him “nevermind” but he wanted to know what I was going to talk about. I told him I was thinking of suggesting we take a break and he asked if I wanted to and I said that I didn’t know. After that, he just kept asking saying that he “had a right to know how I felt about this”. I legit wasn’t sure anymore (the reason I changed my mind on asking for one at the start) so I didn’t know what else to say other than that I didn’t know.
I ended up saying yes to the break in the end after he asked me around 5 times even though he said he wouldn’t pressure me to make a decision then and after he said that if we didn’t take a break, things would just go back to normal (which isn’t really the best considering “normal” is fighting every week). He said ok and told me I could tell him if I change my mind.
We then ended the call and started messaging to figure out how long the break should last etc. when I told him that I honestly didn’t really want a break. TBH I just want to break this cycle with him and be happy with him. Anyways he said that it was my choice to ask for a break and I have to stick with my decision.
I was kind of confused because he said I could tell him if I change my mind just a couple minutes before and he knew this was something neither of us actually wanted. He said that I couldn’t just change my mind on a whim so we were going to go through with the break. It’s only for a few days but I can’t help like this is some weird form of punishment from him but whatever maybe he’s right.
Aside from our fights, we get along very well and I really love him a whole ton. I want to make things work between us and I was wondering if I could get any advice on what to do when we start talking again to achieve this? If anyone has any advice on how to break a cycle of fighting or first-hand experience in doing so, that would be greatly appreciated.
Sorry for such a long post.
**TL;DR** We’ve been fighting a lot recently and are now taking a break that neither of us really want. We kind of stopped talking on a not so great note but I was hoping for some advice on how to approach things with him when we start talking again.
4 comments
What does a break do? Maybe heads clear and tempers cool in time, but nothing has changed, bad patterns are not broken, issues are not addressed or resolved. That’s where the action is needed. Unless you deal with the problems which prompted the break, it may as well stay in place permanently as a proper break up.
So your in a pattern of getting hurt by someone who is 1.5 your age because he does or doesn’t do things that upset your feelings, only he doesn’t realise it’s upsetting? Do you have examples?
Is it like he’ll say “oh I went to a bar last night and chatted up this hot girl who gave me her #” type stuff?
The age gap should be enough of a red flag. If he was 26 when you were 18 that’s a bit of a yikes, but if your not happy with what’s happening, it won’t change. Break up because currently he holds the power and nothing will change
Why are you with him? Why do you want to stay with someone that you’re constantly bickering with, who you feel doesn’t care about you? The things you’re talking about are the basics to a relationship. It’s fairly easy to determine that you’re not spam calling him about a skirt.
He ignored you and forced you into a break that you clearly stated you weren’t sure you wanted. He told you that you can change your mind any time and when you did he said no???
You deserve better than how he’s treating you. You deserve to be with someone who loves and cares about you – not someone who is picking petty fights over small things.
He’s almost 30. He sounds so exhausting to be with, and you’re so young. You deserve respect and love, and you’re not getting it from this guy, and you know that. He’s not going to change how he’s treating you.
As a 27 year old myself, I’m telling you right now that no one my age who has good intentions is dating a teenager. People my age know how their actions affect others. People my age know certain things will hurt feelings. He doesn’t not “know” things will upset you, he just doesn’t CARE.