Dan (39M) and I (34F) have a five year old son together and an extensive eight year history of ups and downs. Four months ago we began working on our relationship after a long break and things have been better than ever.
Howbeit, tonight we have encountered a problem. Dan is a rising public figure in his industry and is in need of an assistant. I understand and agree with this need, he’s a busy guy and I’m caring for our special needs son full time, my hands are already pretty full. The candidate for this role that he has hired is an extremely attractive younger woman, and I am in no way comfortable with this for several reasons. Over the years there has been four occasions of other women that I have been lied to about, often times taking these new love interests on vacations to Mexico just days after we had ended things. Twice the women were people I had my suspicions about but was reassured by Dan that nothing was going on, one being an employee of his, I was told they were “just friends”.
Now, Dan is fighting to keep this woman hired after I have aired my grievances, which raises even more alarm. His case is that she is knowledgeable in the industry and has social media experience, she’s perfect for the position. I feel that there are thousands of other qualified candidates, and sure, finding them may be difficult. My fear of course is that this position will turn into….other positions and I believe I am valid in feeling this way. I have been counter-argued that I am being insecure and unsupportive but it will be a cold day in hell before my feelings on this matter change. At the end of our talks, Dan begrudgingly agreed to find a replacement but it is clear that this is upsetting to him. I do not want to derail the smooth train we have been on for the last few months and despite the hurdles we have been through together, I’m hopeful that we can get things right this time. Looking for advice and thoughts
24 comments
You don’t even trust this dude enough to not cheat on you with his employee. You have a long history of breaking up & getting back together. Why are you guys together still?
Trust is a major issue here, the fact she’s attractive raised such concerns from you is probably just as telling as the fact he wanted to keep her. I don’t care who my partner hires, not to say we’re perfect but if I did care this much, there’s a major issue that extends beyond this woman…and you both need to address that. Not having this pretty colleague doesn’t address the real problem here, you’re just covering a broken leg with a band aid. There’s no trust here and where there’s no trust, the relationship is in dysfunction
If you can’t trust him, the time to take steps to fix that is now. And since you can’t dictate his actions only your own, you are the only one that can take the action to protect yourself from this serial cheater and liar.
4 different times and you’re still with him? Have some self respect, please, and move on. You deserve to have a partner you actually trust. You’re never going to trust Dan. Ever. Do you really like feeling this way? Of course you don’t. You deserve better!
He’s cheated on you multiple times, whatever you’re trying to preserve in the relationship is long gone. Depriving a person of their job is not going to fix his chronic infidelity.
He should know, if he is a rising public figure, a sex scandal and divorce will not help his popularity. Especially if he has a history of impropriety. He should take your feelings into account.
This kind of relationship just seems so exhausting. Though I get exactly how you are trying to be, can you really see yourself happy with a man who won’t disrespect you only because of all the tabs you have to keep on him?
He knew deep down it was probably in his best interest to not have hired that girl…
Why are with him?
If you can’t trust your husband it really doesn’t matter who he hires as his assistant. The problem is you can’t trust him. Don’t blame any of this on the assistant, the blame is on your husband for his past actions and on you for choosing to stay with someone you don’t trust.
You don’t trust him because he is untrustworthy. Makes sense.
So you’re only 34 and still choosing to stay with a guy that has cheated on you and will continue to do so in the future? Sounds like he’s a snake and a rich politician. Go get as much money for child support as you can and find someone that loves you.
So he has a history of cheating and you just keep going back to him? You going to forgive him this time too? I know someone exactly like you. Husband keeps cheating and she keeps forgiving him but cries about it to everyone every single time. Finally I got fed up and I’m going to tell you what I told her. I’m sure the downvotes will roll in but oh well.
He isn’t going to change. He doesn’t want to change. Why? Because you keep forgiving him. He faces no consequences so why bother? So if you are going to continue to just forgive him every time he fucks around, you have no one to blame but yourself for your heart break and stress. Leave his ass. You don’t have to stay in the marriage. And staying “for the kids” is the dumbest reason to stay with a shit spouse. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps and walk.
His cheating hasn’t resulted in you leaving him so what makes you think he will stop now?
IMO, he’s playing you and you need to tell him that you want out of this relationship and that he has purposely disrespected you for the last time. Get your self respect back and tell him that you are done. He’s looking forward to her and traveling with her and they will be a good team as she is very good at what she does. Set him free and walk away before he rips your heart out and stomps on it. He’s a cheater and he’s already defending her.
And
Work on yourself
Your career
Your health
Your education
Your relationships
He has a catch for a wife and is taking her for granted
You lost me at *’often times taking these new love interests on vacations to Mexico just days after we had ended things.*’
Just how many times have you guys ‘ended things’ in 8 years and how many is ‘often times’ that he took other women to Mexico right after breaking up??
>I have been counter-argued that I am being insecure
So he behaves abysmally and then blames *you* for the insecurity his behavior has caused? Did he or has he ever taken any responsibility for how awful he behaved and how shady he’s been? If not, why on earth are you giving him an umpteenth chance??
So, if he replaces her you think he’ll lose interest in her?
What if he just hires a new attractive young woman?
You really ought to think about ending this relationship all together.
There’s no end goal here. He’ll cheat you’ll get upset and then get back togethe for number 5. What do you suppose you can do about any of this if you’re not willing to leave after 1 and now force him to not hire his desired candidate? He’ll resent you and you’ll feel more paranoid for the future. Lame duck marriage by the sound of it. I’m really sorry to say.
I mean… you’ve stuck with this guy after being cheated on 4 times. Can’t really feel bad for your situation when it seems you’ve had opportunities to do better. What advice are you looking for? It’s pretty clear what your options are here
If he’s not gonna cheat with this if he doesn’t hire her he will find someone else. You don’t trust this man and you have good reason to. You’ve broken up several times. This is not a healthy relationship. I’d think about soem therapy for yourself so you can get self respect and regain self confidence. You keep women away from him will not keep him from cheating. He will just hide it better. Do you really want to be with someone where you have to forbid contact with women our of (justified) fear of him cheating??
You’re a doormat. 4 times, and you can’t leave him. This guy is consistency showing you exactly who he is…over and over and over.
Not sure what else you’re looking for
So religiously untrustable…. and hes refusing to get rid of her…. ez answer is he at least is interested in cheating.
Tell her u or her. If he hesitates AT ALL leave his ass.
Please, you know what he is setting up and why he hired her. It is smooth right now but his track record says it won’t stay that way. I would get rid of him. You don’t need the stress along with the day to day stress of a special needs child ( i know, I have one ). Since you stay home he should have to support his child. I would get rid of him and his drama. Who needs this unstable life situation!! You need a partner you can count on !!
Why bother with someone who has broken your trust multiple times?