I don’t know how to cope with my relationship anymore and I don’t know how to leave.
My partner (let’s call her A) is outwardly kind, pretty funny, thoughtful. She’s a great family member and a great friend. That’s pretty much where my praise ends when my tank is so so empty and that’s what everybody outside our household sees.
A has chronic health issues that are going to require more surgery and all the work and home complications that come with that. She also has half buried mental health issues that she made an attempt with when she saw a therapist. She ended up with an unhealthy attachment to the therapist who then stopped responding to her and she’s not tried since.
She’s clearly depressed, her hygiene, habits and diet are fucking awful and she’s gaining a lot of weight which messes with her chronic issues even more and on top of that, as much as it makes me feel fucking horrible, has made her completely unattractive to me sexually. There’s been a few times in the last year where I genuinely felt violated during sex.
A hates her job, but is so attached to the shiny things she can buy with the good salary that she won’t look for a new one, and would rather complain about her work for my entire work day. There’s only so many times I can listen to her whine about a rude client when she has avenues to simply stop dealing with that shit.
We both live in a house that she WHOLLY owns. We are insanely fortunate in that we basically only pay utilities and food bills. She could quit her job today and not bother getting a new job for years and never go near the poverty line. And yet.
Living in a house that she wholly owns is another sticking point. It’s a shit house (as shit as a free house can be) built by fucking cowboys and it’s always down to me to spend my time, mental energy and often my own money fixing, replacing and maintaining things. If I leave, I’ll get absolutely ZERO return on everything I’ve invested in the house and car that are in her name entirely. I don’t mind investing – but if I’m not happy, it doesn’t feel like an investment, it feels like I’m actively sabotaging my own future – the finances would literally be better thrown on a roulette table.
We’ve been together nearly seven years. We’ve been through a lot of shit together and generally been happy together. We have two cats and a dog. Our families are intertwined. We share all of the same friends.. and now I’m at the point now where I need my own space to be away from her and that’s going to mean moving out. I don’t know if we’ll survive that either.
I just have no idea how to dump all this on her desk and tell her I’m really fucking unhappy. I feel like it’s going to come across as “I’m really sorry that you’re sick, depressed and struggling, but you’ve turned into a whiny fat slob and I’m done with it”.
How the fuck do you sugarcoat all of this?
“Good luck with the pets, housework and finding someone who’ll listen to a 24/7 reel about your boring fucking job, by the way I hope we can be friends”
I really don’t know how to deal with this. As shitty as the above sounds, I love her. I’m definitely not “in love” with her but I love her. She’s been my best friend for so many years and we’ve experienced so so much together. Aside from finding her unattractive while she’s spiralling with weight gain and poor hygiene, we’ve talked about everything else. I’ve tried reasonable conversation and communication and making plans for moving forward and trying to save this relationship.
I feel like I’m going to feel guilty for the rest of my life if I leave and drop this amount of hurt on her but surely that’s going to be worse the longer I leave it.
Rambling mess over I guess.
12 comments
Have you communicated with her specifically about these points? Hearing her complain a lot is draining you etc
Bro u love her but not in love with her. Say that
If you had asked earlier, maybe you’d have been better able to prepare yourself for this, but it really seems like you have your mind made up and your reasons laid out.
She goes to a job that makes you both miserable, she doesn’t take therapy seriously, and she seems to put nothing between herself and failing mental + physical health. These are good reasons to remove yourself from the situation and avoid carrying her burden for her.
I think the tough pill to swallow here is that you ultimately made some bad commitments, and it will always suck to pull out of something you used to love. Since you haven’t mentioned it, I think you should get therapy yourself if you haven’t, because your communication troubles are something that you don’t seem to be tackling well on your own.
You could (and very clearly *should*) have not let her brush you off to begin with, it would’ve hurt a lot less to rip the band aid off back when you weren’t such a crutch to her. I don’t think you can sugarcoat it at this point, just try not to let all of your blatant contempt seep through and be a little more objective about things. Whatever you do, make sure it’s a permanent arrangement and move on with your life. Don’t stick around just a little longer and then just a little more, find a plan to reduce the damage and stress and get out.
You have so much contempt for your wife when it kinda seems like you’ve been dealing with all of this mutely. Tbh it’s giving me the ick. If you choose to leave her, don’t be shitty and insulting about it on your way out. Write down what you’re going to say, and then imagine saying it to someone you actually care about, which clearly isn’t your wife. If you wouldn’t say it to them, don’t say it to her.
Tbh I’m curious, do you have a job? This might be a bad assumption, but it reads to me like your wife is doing all or most of the household earning while also struggling with a complicated constellation of health issues. If I were her I’d maybe find relief in ranting about work too!
And I’d be really peeved to find out my partner quietly allowed resentment to stew until it reached this point. You seem to think you need to announce this information to her, have you been concealing how you feel for the past eight years? None of the issues you described (weight gain? Wanting her to rant to you about your job less? Anything I’m missing?) are insurmountable if you have compassion for each other and an interest in making it work.
Well, unless you actively conceal issues that arise from one half of the partnership, that would make it pretty difficult to work on. I hope your moving out doesn’t hurt your wife too badly, and she has better luck choosing people to rely on in the future.
dude, just be honest with her and dont pay any mind to your family connections or friends
you deserve to be happy and are not obligated to sacrifice your future for her.
if you have the opportunity take a long vacation alone and think about what you want for your life, without the problems that come with your regular routine.
I had to deal with a situation like this, except it included the fact that she was very physically abusive and had familial police connections. She was BPD and off her meds. She was completely dependent and didn’t even drive. I wasn’t sexually attracted to her because she had gained ~30lb, but I loved her, unfortunately.
I had to suck it up, and tell myself that it wasn’t my job to look out for her anymore. My mental health was tanking, and I spent all my energy on her.
I really thought that she would go down the tubes without me. I was right.
After I left, she had to learn how to take care of herself.
I frame it like this: I was enabling her poor behaviour, and since she wasn’t looking out for me, I shouldn’t have to look out for her.
My life is MUCH better mow. Like 10x better.
You don’t have many options here except to continue a shitty life or to start anew. You deserve better bro.
*Some edits
Id write a letter and possibly read it out loud to her. Have a place to stay lined up and have your bags packed before saying it to her.
“So, because I care for you and respect you, I need to be honest. I worry about your depression, and hope that you can talk to someone that can help you feel happier. These years we have been through thick and thin, and I’m grateful for having been able to meet you.
But I havent been happy, not for a long time. I tried to make it work, but I can’t continue like this. I love you and care for you but i am not in love with you anymore. I’m sorry to say this, but I want to be honest with you. I will be moving out, and I truly wish you the best of luck and happiness.”
She will freak out, in whatever way she does. Whether thats yelling, crying, or ignoring/cold. But you need to be direct. Do NOT stay.
It sounds like this relationship is dead.
One thing that sticks for me, is how you are resentful that you’ve done work on her crappy house and you see that as an investment, and won’t get any return on that investment if you leave.
But presumably the stuff you’ve mended, you’ve enjoyed the consequences of mending it already. OK if you leave, she will continue to benefit from that and you won’t. But it is not such a huge investment right? You haven’t been rebuilding entire walls have you? more like putting in wiring that won’t short-circuit or replacing a broken stair?
Because if you’ve been rebuilding the entire house, well you should have both paid for the materials.
If, as I think, it’s just modest repairs, then you should reframe that as your contribution. The house is hers, and you’ve been living rent-free in it, it’s only fair that you should help out with repairs and maintenance.
You’re at the perfect fork in the road moment. Time to end this. Be blunt, clear, but respectful as possible. Be prepared for the 5 stages of grief coming at you. Make an exit plan.
Consult with an Attorney about getting the money you’ve invested in her home back. Get all your ducks in a row and file for divorce. You’re miserable and it will only get worse. You don’t even love her. Why stay with someone you don’t love?
Forget about all the other stuff like family/ friends etc . You need to make a decision for your and your future and the right people will stick by your regardless . I was 31 when I left my husband of 12 years and I had a 2 year old, was on federal disability and couldn’t barely walk and was broke. 5 years later i am doing ok and although it seems scary you will make it through. Just because you spent 7 yeads making it to this spot doesn’t mean you owe it or her anymore. You can leave this relarionship for any one of the reasons you listed, let alone the whole bundle. It’s ok. She will learn to manage on her own in time .
Quit leeching, you know you’re only with her for her because she pays for all your shit