It’s been a really hard year with my friend 29M. He was dating a great girl and I found out he was a serial cheater last month which came as a shock. I was sick at the time and she texted me, blowing up my phone with around 20 messages with proof he’s been cheating their entire relationship and telling me to check on him because he threatened to end his life. She was the perfect girl/girlfriend. I felt panicked because he refused to talk to anyone but me. I was sick and had my own stuff going on, but I helped him get into therapy, talked to him, etc until I couldn’t anymore. I even talked extensively with the girlfriend doing damage control.
Our friendship was never one of constant communication but we’ve been in a close knit friend group for 15 years. Yet he refuses to talk to anyone else. I recently told him it’s too much stress for me and emotional labor. I told my other friends to reach out to him but he says he doesn’t like the convos.
Now, I know that going on a group trip for my birthday would be a perfect way for him to feel emotionally fulfilled by being around people that care about him. But it’s also my birthday and I don’t want to be triggered. He’s been triggering me a lot lately. As you can tell, cheating isn’t the only dumb decision my friend makes.
On my last birthday, he woke me up at midnight and told me to take shots. And when I wouldn’t, he again woke me up at 7am trying to get me to take shots. Also, at my other friend’s birthday, he came into my work and tried to do something illegal. When I told him no, he started arguing. This led to me arguing with my boss for 30 min. He initially said he didn’t know what he was doing was illegal but wouldn’t stop. I mean, I feel like he shouldn’t have even showed up because it was a steakhouse and he’s vegetarian.
Anyway, I’m wondering what people’s thoughts are on what I should do? I already texted him trying to communicate that I don’t want to be triggered and he left me on read. Maybe I should call him? I definitely don’t want him to hurt himself, he’s been pretty down since his breakup. We have been friends for 15 years and he’s been there for me somewhat; I think he has a good heart, he’s just dumb. But the dumb decisions are triggering me but that’s who he is. I just want to relax on my birthday.
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**tl;dr**: My [29F] friend [29M] of 15 years keeps triggering me by making dumb decisions and I don’t want him at my birthday party, but he’s insisting.
3 comments
It’s your birthday and it sounds like if he’s there you’re not going to enjoy yourself. So don’t invite him. You don’t need to justify yourself, you can simply send him a message saying that because of last time when he tried to force you to do shots, and the other time he made a scene at your work, you’ve decided not to invite him and you hope he understands.
Make sure it’s not something he can invite himself to; keep the time and venue secret from him.
As for the friendship generally. It sounds like you’ve already started setting healthy boundaries, you just need to hold the boundaries. If he’s asking too much you can just say ‘please talk to your therapist about this, I’m not comfortable talking about this’ and then stop replying. Only hang out when you want to etc. it’s fine to do a slow fade. He is ultimately responsible for his own mental health and you’re responsible for yours, if he causes you stress it’s healthy and ethical to step back or away from the friendship.
No means no. A definition he will probably never understand.
The dude has changed.
You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to save themselves. This person has issues and puts in positions that are harmful to you. Do not invite him or he will make it about him.