I [39f] am a single mom to 3 kids. My ex and I separated about 3 years ago (right before the pandemic) when he was under investigation for some pretty heinous crimes. I held out hope for about a year and a half, and then decided to move on. It’s been a hard road with discovery after discovery of every kind of betrayal. My entire marriage and life we’d built was a lie.
My state requires a full year of separation with the intent that it be permanent, which was finally met this past September. And earlier this year, my ex was convicted and sent to prison for a long time. He’s completely out of the picture.
I haven’t filed for divorce yet because my finances were devastated and I don’t have the extra $300 for court fees. I’m trying desperately not to go into debt but it’s really tight. Hoping to have it done by February.
A few months ago, I met someone. It was completely unexpected, but we started dating in August and we’re really happy. I’m finally with someone who sees me and loved me and wants to protect me and my kids, not take advantage and see what he can get away with. We’re taking our time, but so far it’s been good. He’s met my family and I’ve met most of his, and it’s gone well. He’s great with my kids and they like him but aren’t attached.
My mom (a right wing evangelical) informed me right before Christmas that I’m disobeying God and going against the bible because I’m in a relationship with someone who is “not my husband,” meaning not the felon I’m still technically married to. As such, she is willing to be around him in public but he is not welcome in her home. “Someone needs to teach these children that we honor our marriage vows.” When we are both “free” she will consider getting to know him. She has always tried to control me, often using the faith. This was not too surprising.
My brother [37m] and his wife also don’t want me to bring my boyfriend around, but for less clear reasons. As best I can tell, it has something to do with thinking I moved on too fast or I introduced him to my kids too soon or something. I don’t know but it had everything to do with not agreeing with my decisions about my life and nothing to do with hesitations about my boyfriend himself. (They’ve met.)
It’s their homes and their decisions. I’m hurt and frustrated but not pushing back. They’re entitled to making their own choices about their lives (unlike me, apparently).
Where I’m stuck is in drawing up the boundaries for myself. What do I do, for example, when there’s something I’d like to do with my extended family but they’ve excluded my boyfriend? Take New Years. Everybody is going to my brother’s. My kids want to be with their cousins. I want to make memories too. But I also want to be with my boyfriend. (He’s not asking me to choose and says I should be with the family because some folks we don’t see often will be there.) None of my options feel good.
We all have memberships to the local kid museum and we planned to go together, but now I know they’re uncomfortable with me bringing my boyfriend. Do I still bring him since it’s neutral property, knowing they’ll hate it? That doesn’t sound like fun for anyone. (Now I know why they were acting weird the last time we were all at my house.)
Part of me thinks “well, I’ve already suffered so much, what’s a little more until they approve.” But another part of me is really mad. I’ve already suffered so much; why should I be the one to cut myself in half to keep them happy? Why should my boyfriend, who actually cares and supports me, be sidelined?
I know I can host and invite, and i’ll do it but that doesn’t work all the time. Plus, I’m still a single mom of 3. I don’t have a ton of bandwidth to take on coordinating all the family time. And I expect they won’t come anyway because they’re not ok with the relationship even existing — this has already happened a few times when they heard he’d be around.
Thanks for any advice.
TLDR I’m a grown-ass woman but my family doesn’t think I should be dating, so they don’t want to be around my boyfriend. I don’t know how to proceed bc it all hurts.
4 comments
Think about the kind of people you want to be around. Your current partner or people that would rather see you with a felon than be happy?
If you made the divorce official, would that help since then you wouldn’t be breaking any marriage vows? If that’s all it is then surely your mom would be willing to help with the cost.
Stay with the one who supports you.
I want to say something like that you should just stick up for yourself and your relationship, but I also know reality is seldom so black and white, so instead I’m going to suggest that you focus on 1) being on the same page with your boyfriend while at the same time 2) setting realistic expectations for your continued relationship with your parents.
You obviously want all of you to become one big unit, and you want your family to be happy for you that you have found a solid partner, but that sadly just isn’t realistic.
If your mother, for example, is the kind of person who insists that god is all up in your business, then she clearly doesn’t view the world the same way you do and is not going to listen to normal arguments. That’s something you will likely have to accept if you want to continue maintaining a good relationship with her.
And that’s key: what do you want that you can realistically get under these circumstances?
If you already know that your mother will be more accepting of your new boyfriend once you are (both) legally divorced, then just bite the bullet until then. Will it suck? Sure. But it will suck less than forcing your boyfriend to be around people who don’t want his presence, and it will make for much less drama.