We have been together for 4 years, and this is a heavy pattern of his. I’ve tried to talk to him many times, but at this point I think it will just continue.
I’m trying to decide if I need personal therapy to learn how to deal with it (I’m guessing the best way to deal with it is to calmly tell him the facts and then ignore the blame), or if WE need therapy together to address why he does this and how to deal with it when it comes up (it comes up a lot).
What happens currently is I end up getting angry and I’ll argue with him and a big fight starts. That isn’t working well so I need to figure out another strategy.
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Over the years he’s tried to blame me for a myriad of things. Recently he tried to blame me for losing a contract (he’s self employed) because he says I don’t help him enough. I do help him, but he seems to think if I were his full-time assistant this could have been avoided (he wants me to work for him instead of working at my own job because he says we can be much more successful if we work together on the business). The issue is I did that previously and it didn’t work well. He’s very very difficult to work for. He has poor communication and often would assume I should figure things out that he needs without him ever telling me. It negatively affected our relationship and I told him it’s best if I don’t help him (to that degree) with work. I told him to simply hire someone else. Then when he’s difficult, it may affect their working relationship but it won’t be affecting our personal relationship. He doesn’t agree at all.
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Things came to a boiling point over the weekend because he once again tried blaming me for something I had nothing to do with. We were having a nice evening, and then suddenly he receives an email and he’s all upset and stressed out and claiming it’s my fault (he thought a work contact knew something private about his life that he didn’t want work people to know — in the end, they didn’t, he had simply jumped to conclusions — and he thought they knew this because I had friended them on social media because we are acquaintances…I most certainly did not). I kept telling him that I am not friends online with this person and he just kept saying “yes you are!” It’s like talking to an illogical person when he gets like that.
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He got it all straightened out, but he didn’t apologize for shouting at me and accusing me and trying to blame me. When I was still annoyed with him, he became annoyed with me…telling me to stop holding onto anger and escalating him when he’s stressed.
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It was a simple thing and no big deal in the end. But I kept thinking about how it kind of ruined my evening. We had been having a nice quiet evening, and out of the blue I’m being shouted at and accused of something stupid and not believed. This happens WAY too much, and it raises my adrenaline and gets me all stressed out. Meanwhile as soon as he gets it straightened out, he’s all happy and back to normal and thinks I’m holding grudges and “keeping the fight going”.
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So I’ve come here to ask for opinions on which strategy to take. Do I get myself therapy since I’m kind of doubtful he’s going to change this clearly deeply ingrained pattern of blaming others? I love him and so maybe I can just learn to ignore it. So far I haven’t because it enrages me to be blamed for ridiculous things (and it’s not always “just in the moment”….some things he will insist forever that I am to blame for…such as the loss of this contract). Or is couple’s therapy the way to go?
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tldr: boyfriend has a tendency to blame me for things that are not my fault
16 comments
No offense (because it’s obvious you care about him) but he clearly has not grown up enough to take responsibility for any of his issues. It’s sad he is almost 40 and his instant reaction to anything going wrong is to blame someone else. If i were you I’d think about how this will affect future incidents; kids, pets, buying property, all sorts of large investments. If anything goes wrong, he will 100% blame you and you need to ask yourself whether this is something you want to put up and shut up with or not. The alternative is trying to make him see the error of his ways or break up :/ this is not fair on you.
This is who he is at almost 40. It’s not gonna change. Think about if this is how you wanna spend the rest of your life.
Stop wasting your time on him and just break up. The idea that you think YOU should get therapy to fix HIS issue is ridiculous. Don’t you have a single shred of self esteem?
Does he have ADHD? He sounds kind of disorganized and type A personality which reminds me of my friend with ADHD.
When your boyfriend gets upset, it’s best to invite him to engage with you once he’s chilled out and just walk away. There’s no point talking to any person who is already heated and can’t think rationally.
My friend with ADHD likes to stew in her feelings. She feels everything so deeply and gets so passionate. She also processes thoughts and feelings as she speaks, so she often jumps right into blaming others without thinking logically, or thinking of alternate points of view. Everything comes out of her mouth all at once.
She needs to get centered and your boyfriend needs to practice getting centered as well. He has a lot of work to do and therapy would help both of you individually as well as as a couple.
Maybe I’m totally off, but those are definitely the vibes I’m getting from your post.
I mean, the most obvious answer is that he needs therapy for himself… this isn’t your issue other than you’ve indulged him, stayed with him, and failed to put up boundaries.
I would say first boundary is that you will not work for him at all. Period. You are not responsible for his work. Second is that you will not engage in these conversations. Third is that you demand respect and if he’s wrong, he needs to apologize. If he can’t apologize, then you can’t move on. Period. It’s not childish or extending the fight, it’s holding him accountable.
If he can’t manage that, and won’t get therapy, then I don’t see a future where you are happy
He sounds mean and exhausting. Why stick around?
> I love him and so maybe I can just learn to ignore it.
**DO NOT DO THIS.**
Like mold, it will only fester and get worse when allowed to grow in darkness.
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>Do I get myself therapy since I’m kind of doubtful he’s going to change this clearly deeply ingrained pattern of blaming others?
He’s the one with the problem, yet *you* are the one thinking about therapy?
I’m hard pressed to think of what type of treatment would be beneficial for you.
A better resolution is to just not participate when he turns accusatory. After stating the facts and proving it’s not your fault, when he continues to charge down your throat just say:
“I’ve told you what happened, yet you insist on blaming me. Rather than argue, I’ve decided this time not to dance with your stubbornness. So, I’m leaving, and we can try talking again when and if reason returns. Until then, good night.”
And leave. (I assume you don’t live together; if you do, then have some place lined up where you can go when things get tense between you.)
Give him a couple days of experiencing life without you. No phone, e-mail, text or anything. He can see tangibly what being a jerk is costing him.
After that time, check in. Is he still seeing it as your fault? Then perhaps he needs more time without you. At this point, you should start thinking about a long-term separation from him, if not breaking up.
From here, you’re contemplating the end of the relationship if he doesn’t come around. It should be clear to him that blind stubbornness has a high price, and that you’re not willing to suffer as a result.
If he’d rather be right than have you, then so be it!
you are almost 40 and putting up with this shit?! what’s wrong with you?!
This book talks about the blame game a lot
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
Sue Johnson
Narcissists do this, they always blame others for their own mistakes. Does he take responsibility for his life and mistakes? If not then get ready to leave, there is no treatment for this condition and it’s a nightmare.
If you did get therapy, what’s the goal? Are you wanting to learn how to be ok with being a punching bag? Because no reputable therapist is going to help you put up with this behaviour.
Tell him that you aren’t going to put up with his baseless accusations anymore. You aren’t helping him with work at all now because he can’t resist using you as a whipping girl when he’s angry. He needs to go to therapy for his anger issues. If he continues to do this, you are going to go to your parents house and stay there until you get an apology.
How many times are you going to post this?
Decide now if being with him is worth being his scapegoat for everything. If you think therapy or something can help you handle it and he’s worth it great… otherwise don’t expect him to change even if he agrees to therapy.
> having a nice quiet evening, and out of the blue I’m being shouted at
This is abuse. It’s not part of a healthy relationship.
Honestly, it sounds like your boyfriend has some serious communication and accountability issues. It’s not fair for him to try and blame you for things that are completely out of your control, and it’s definitely not healthy for your relationship. It seems like he’s not willing to take responsibility for his own actions and instead tries to shift the blame onto you. That’s not cool.
It’s understandable that you want to try and fix things, but it’s important to consider whether your boyfriend is willing to put in the work to change his behavior. If he’s not willing to take ownership for his actions and try to address the root of the issue, then couples therapy might not be the most effective solution.
In the meantime, it’s important for you to take care of yourself and not let his behavior affect your mental health. If you feel like you need support, it might be helpful to seek out individual therapy to work through your own feelings and find healthy coping mechanisms. Remember that you don’t have to deal with this on your own, and it’s okay to seek help.