I’m trying to understand myself better right now and what lead me to making some poor decisions. I’ve noticed a trend in my life (in my 40s) where I’ll hyper fixate on people who give me validation or self esteem. I don’t do it very often (only twice in my marriage and never cheated, much more when I was younger) and it’s not sexual, but i get this idea that they’ll fix my sexual desires (I’m in a long marriage and have a dead bedroom throughout even though my spouse is more than willing and we otherwise have a good relationship). I don’t know if I’ve conflated these two things in my head somewhere.
I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have watched a lot of videos on limerence and I know I definitely do it but I’ve also been faithful in a super long relationship so it hasn’t stopped me from showing up as a good spouse—only in the bedroom.
I’d love to know if anyone has any ideas or resources on anything to help for this. I keep fantasizing at this point of leaving my marriage but I really doubt that would fix anything.
3 comments
I’d recommend that you see a therapist to help you get the validation you need internally rather than from others.
Good on you for looking for help and for remaining a loyal partner to your spouse despite experiencing these strong feelings. It is great that you are trying your best.
I wanted to share my personal experience which I hope will be useful to you. Learning about the attachment theory helped me understand my behaviours and how I can become more secure in relationships. Check out these resources:
An article on attachment theory and limerance. https://limerence.net/limerence-and-attachment-theory/
A website to find out your attachment style https://yourpersonality.net/attachment/
I wish you all the best
I understand. Single people do this too. I posted about a month ago and people commented and made me aware of limerence. What do you think is drawing you to this other person? Is it a pattern, or a recent occurrence as you’re relationship has changed? You also mentioned a dead bedroom but it sounded like that was an issue on your end rather than your spouse. What do you think is behind all of it?