I think I got a unique one for yall. I’m (30m) from the US and my penpal (18m) is from West Africa. I’m positive theres some cultural differences at play. We’ve been messaging/calling for about 3 months
I received an instagram dm, from my now penpal, asking for money with a cold open. No hello, no back story, just “I could use some money for me and my family.” Every time I left him on read, he would send another message. This went on for a week until one time, when I was pretty faded, I messaged back. At first I treated it like toying with a scammer, but I did end up sending 35 bucks after he sent a photo of his family who needed a bag of rice. Fuck it, I just wasted 100 bucks at the bar, either I got scammed or he will actually buy food. He picked up the money the next day at some western union office in West Africa.
Afterwards, he messaged a million thank you is, and pictures of his family and the food. Surprisingly , we get to chit chattin and he doesn’t ask for more money. We’re just two people from different countries getting to know each other her. Honestly, I was kinda stoked about this burgeoning relationship at this point. But Things started to crack after a couple weeks when he asked me if we could move our conversations to WhatsApp. Once we moved to there, he started messaging me and calling me CONSTANTLY, like 10 phone calls a day. I straight up told him not to call me so often and that I don’t want to talk that much. He dials it back a lil.
A week or so later, I sent 50 bucks over. After that, he started calling me his best friend and saying we were brothers. I fucking video chatted with his moms and siblings, saw where he lived, had a nice talk. He wanted to video chat with my wife and my family. I was getting reallllly uncomfortable with how fast things were moving. Then…. His mother made my wife and I some traditional clothes…like hours of work. At this point he is constantly blowing up my phone and asking why I don’t answer quicker and how friends like us should be talking everyday. Honestly I think I was being lovebombed lol.
The final two things that really made me want to break things off was they needed my mailing address for the package, which I absolutely was not comfortable with. The other was that my penpal pretty obviously was crushing on my wife, which whatever not big deal to me. Except instead of like a cute smitten type thing, he started to constantly ask when he would get to talk to her, if she talked about him, and tried to get me to send photos of her. Once I figured out what was happening is when I started to put up big walls. To be clear, he never was disrespectful or crude. Anyways, I sent him more money to pay for the clothes his mom made. I cut communication down to once per week on IG, and I deleted WhatsApp.
Tbh I want to drop this dude. He annoys the shit out of me. But I’m worried me blocking him will have consequences for him with his family. I’m also self conscious about seeming like a rude American who thinks their time is too precious, but I am one. The love bombing is pretty effective on me. He keeps asking if he did something wrong. Now his dad wants to video chat with me, which for some reason feels like an oh shit moment. I’m all ears for suggested exit strategies. There’s a few other details. Let me know if I can clarify anything.
EDIT: You guys are 10000% correct on where you’re coming from with the scamming shit. But if you could give me the benefit of the doubt and give me suggestions for dropping an annoying friend from a different country versus dropping a scammer.
TDLR: Looking for advice on how to end an US-West African internet friendship that started off strangely but well enough, but eventually became overbearing and moved too fast.
30 comments
If this is even real…..
It’s so weird on SO MANY LEVELS.
Please just block the dude and move on. He’s taking advantage of you. This is not a friendship and he’s not your responsibility.
You are being scammed.
Scam. It’s a scam.
Block him and move on.
You should google romance scam or Nigerian Prince scam. Those aren’t people who are relatives of another you were talking to. You can block him, but he’s going to chase you for a while cos you gave money. Did you ever get those traditional clothes?
100% he is a scammer. If you don’t want to seem rude, go ahead and just block him on everything and don’t say a thing.
The problem is that you will soon start to receive messages from people you have never met claiming to have money issues, so that they can get money from you. These things are usually a chain and they sell your contact information to other people. So if you are being contacted by people you have never met, and especially if they are asking for money, don’t talk to them and try to block instantly in the hopes that eventually they stop selling your information to the next bidder.
You literally don’t have to overthink about ‘dropping’ this guy. Literally stop replying and block everywhere. If you want you can tell him you’re going to stop talking to him but it really won’t make much difference.
If men who have met and had sex with and been in love with women can ghost them without another word, you can ghost an African TEENAGER you’ve never met. Don’t stress about it.
OK so the scam comments aren’t helpful I guess, so I’ll take what you’re saying at face value. There is no way you’re going to make an 18 year old kid from a different culture halfway around the world understand that you need space, or you just felt bad and sent him money, or you don’t want to be friends anymore. It’s hard enough to “break up” with friends already – but you really should just block the kid and forget about it
Why not like, just not answer as much? I had a friend from Al Anon who annoyed me from Germany and so I stopped answering as much and eventually he got the message. You can probably slowly end the friendship by answering less
This is a scam, block him, move on
Damn it seems like most of the comments are missing the point and just shouting “scam scam scam!” It doesn’t matter whether we label it a scam or not, and you are valid in not seeing it as one. I think you can send him a polite message, let him know it was nice getting to know him and you’re grateful for the opportunity to be able to help him and his family, but you’re not comfortable with this friendship anymore, there is no future in staying in touch, and then block him.
I can’t believe people can be so easily manipulated… Wake up!!
Dude, if I was your wife, I’d be really concerned for you.
What on earth do you, a married American man, have in common with a teenager in a completely different country and culture? Why the hell did you randomly send money across, and more than once??? This person is a cross between a scammer, a harasser and an internet acquaintance, yet you are calling them a friend and are feeling guilty and are emotionally invested in their family? Do you seriously have so little going on in your life that you got involved with this?
Do you have an issue with overactive empathy? Because this is what it sounds like – someone just has to say a few choice words, and you immediately feel compelled to act and deeply uncomfortable/guilty if you don’t. Even if this person *isn’t* a scammer, you have revealed that you are the perfect mark for a scammer, a manipulator, or a person with bad intentions. You should be concerned for yourself.
> give me suggestions for dropping an annoying friend from a different country versus dropping a scammer.
“I no longer want to continue this friendship or maintain communication. Best wishes for the future.” Then block.
This person, whoever they are, lived perfectly well before they started communicating with you and will be perfectly fine without you. In all likelihood, you are not the only person they are communicating with.
You’re 30 year old… and messaging an 18 year old?
If you were messaging a 18 year old GIRL, this sub would exploded. You’re being very weird, dude. Aside from the fact that you’re being catfished which is obvious, you’re also have no business talking to teenagers. Creepy.
Just stop messaging him. Simple.
Dude, honestly, I don’t think it’s a scam in the slightest. Just a guy who asked for money, got it, kept getting it, and now is hugely overinvested in you. A scam is a lie. How is he lying?
Plus WhatsApp culture can be very different around the world. I still get messages all the time from people I met in Ghana, many of whom I haven’t replied to in years.
My advice is to decide if you want to stay in touch at all. Block him if you don’t. Set him to not send you notifications and reply only on your schedule if you do.
I’m gonna tell you that this is very common as I have personal experience with the main difference being that I actually met the guys.
One of my closest friends is Gambian and a couple of years ago I went there with him for his wedding. Met lots of great people and formed friendships with some that I still talk to. One guy I met there however has acted just like you describe your friend acting. Constantly messaging me, calling me and wanting to talk. Wanting money to buy a bag of rice for his family is also one I’ve seen amongst others. I’ve never sent this guy any money though and he actually works for my friends father. This guy even went through all of my Facebook contacts and started contacting my female relatives trying to start a relationship so that he could either get money or a visa. He told me he was in love with one of my distant cousins after messaging her a couple of times. He even kept contacting my mother.
My close friend told me to just ignore him and he’d stop, and he was right. Out of all the people I met out there he was the only one that’s done this, all the others ever ask me is when I’m coming back. My advice is to just ignore him and block him if necessary.
I think there’s more to the story than what you’re telling us
100% a romance scam. You need to inform yourself about these scam to protect yourself in the future.
It’s partly a communication style thing – I dated someone from Nigeria who immediately wanted all of my free time from good morning texts to what was for lunch, what happened at work, what was I doing before bed, blah blah blah. And he couldn’t understand how boring and repetitive I found that conversation everyday because it was just normal and showing interest . It happens.
Tell him that you’ve enjoyed talking to him but no longer will be able to, and hope he has a good life. Then block and move on.
Tell him you are very very busy and won’t have time to talk for many weeks.
I had this experience with almost everyone I worked with when I volunteered in Ghana. Asking for things you want is just not considered rude, Americans are generally assumed to be wealthy beyond caring, and spamming people with calls is just what’s done.
I agree that it’s annoying as hell and also had to distance myself. It’s not meant to be obnoxious, but culturally it’s just too jarring for me to adapt to. Ghana, as much as I loved some of the people and found them to be incredibly genuine and lovely in many ways, is the only country I have been to where I have no desire to return. I just find it exhausting to be asked for things nonstop (especially the marriage proposals with a followup lecture about not having enough children), and having to get bombarded with calls is not worth the calls themselves (to me).
I would say, if you want to stay friends, communicate your needs to your friend (because he really does sound like a friend) by saying “I can only talk 1 time every x period of time (one that you can maintain) and I need you to only call once when you call,” and then end the friendship if he can’t stick to that.
If you don’t want to stay friends, then don’t. You can tell a white lie, or you can be honest, or some combo of the two, or you can just ghost him, but since he has been a friend I’d probably opt for the first.
The kid has found a way to help his impoverished family. He doesn’t want to lose it.
I do think you enjoyed helping them but the constant contact to too much.
Would you still want to help them if you didn’t have to have contact?
I understand you’re coming from a place of compassion, but the moving too fast, asking for money initially, keep sending messages, moving platforms, guilting you and trying to become really close really fast are ALL signs of a friendship scam. He checked if you’re willing to send money, you did, and then he builds up rapport and emotional connection until they look for a bigger amount for a desperate reason. You know his family so it tugs your heartstrings. It’s uncomfortable because you understand this isn’t a normal relationship.
okay so whatever option you pick, you need to block him after you inform him the relationship is over, or he will guilt you and you will feel bad and since it’s already been effective on you, well he’ll probably try hard. You can let him send a message back but by the end of the night make sure it’s blocked at least temporarily.
option 1. honesty- tell him he’s been pushing too hard, it’s making you uncomfortable and even after you asked him to back off he wouldn’t, so you’re ending the relationship. You wish him the best and hope he has a good new year or something. Then block. Don’t argue, don’t discuss. It’s a decision not a conversation
option 2. lie- tell him your wife doesn’t like you talking to him so you have to stop. Or any other excuse. This is just to make you feel slightly less guilty than just saying he’s stressful. It’s debatable about if it’s effective.
option 3. ghost- you can just stop responding. Text him saying life’s been really busy with a little apology and then just don’t respond after that
But note all these options are just for you, in all reality. He’s a scammer, so he’s not going to really be heartbroken. Just making you feel bad.
Mean this in the nicest way, but you sir, are an idiot. You seem to be well aware that it is a scam and you’re looking for exit strategies now, so allow me to come up with some for you that don’t involve straight up blocking because you’re worried of retaliation etc.
1) Tell him you lost your job. If he knows your wife works, she also lost her job. This signals that the gravy train is coming to a full out stop. You can sell it by saying you can’t pay your power bills, money is tight for groceries etc, and then eventually that you can’t pay your phone bill.
2) Block and change your cell phone number/any numbers you gave out.
3) Tell him a family member is sick and you are sending all your money to help pay for their medical bills. Medical bills in the US are bonkers, use that to your advantage. Tell him they don’t have medical coverage and it has to be paid out of pocket.
4) Turn a cold shoulder by never being able to talk now. You can say later, maybe tomorrow etc. Do that for a while until they hopefully stop calling/messaging or until you feel comfortable blocking.
“I have appreciated the chance to get to know you but I feel that the differences in our age and the financial differences has created an unequal friendship. I hope you have a good future but I think we should end our conversations”.
Then block him.
Welcome to the scammer lovebombing shit… don’t send a penny, block and delete.
Just send him 5 hundo to set him and his fam up, let him know you can’t keep this going, and block him.
Tough when we finally have to face the less fortunate. Also tough how easy it is for us to cut them off.
Lots of heartless bastards out here
please google the term “pig butchering.” that is what’s happening to you
This sucks but don’t feel bad for cutting him off, he will have at least a dozen people he’s going the same thing to.
Send him one last message wishing him and his family well then block him. If you really feel guilty you could send him like $20 more but only if you don’t care about the money.
First off, dude, this whole thing sounds like a huge mess. You’ve been sending money to some guy you met online and now he’s constantly blowing up your phone and asking to talk to your wife? And you’re worried about potentially scamming him if you cut things off?
It’s pretty clear that you need to get out of this situation ASAP. This guy is obviously not someone you want to be talking to on a regular basis, and sending money to strangers online is never a good idea.
I’m not sure what you’re expecting us to tell you in terms of an “exit strategy” – just block his ass and move on. If he’s really a friend, he’ll understand that you need your space and won’t hold it against you. And if he’s just some scammer, then it doesn’t matter what you do, he’s not someone you want to be associated with anyways.
Bottom line: cut ties with this dude and don’t look back. It’s not worth the hassle or the potential risks.