TL;DR Boyfriend hid diagnosis from me and I am very hurt over it
Hi y’all, my boyfriend (32m) and I (26f) have been together for a year and a half. We spent the past 2 weeks apart to celebrate holidays with our own families.
At the start of those 2 weeks, my boyfriend has a mental health emergency that landed him in the ER and subsequently, had a doctors appointment the next day who helped him get on some medication. My boyfriend told me these medications were temporary anxiety meds until his system was back to “normal” as he’s never had any problems like this.
I accepted that and had no reason to doubt what he was telling me, we’re very transparent with each other about everything and he knows the depths of my mental health.
Fast forward today, having a conversation, casually slips in that he did get a bipolar diagnosis after this emergency the day he went to the doctor, while we were still apart for the holidays.
I am not upset about the actual diagnosis, I am upset he hid it from me. I guess this post is just more of a vent, but I am having trouble understanding why he would hide it from me and am very hurt. Any advice? 🙁
Edit: also adding in the fact that we live together—we are serious about our future together, which is why I am so sad that he tried to not tell me about it.
15 comments
He didn’t hide it from you, he told you about it. He probably needed time to process it before he could talk to you about it.
I don’t think he hid anything from you. He told you about it. I can empathize with him. If I got a bipolar diagnosis, I would have trouble sharing that with people. That disease has a lot of stigma associated with it, and he might have just needed some time to process it on his own before he said anything to you.
I understand why you’re hurt, too, but try not to take it personally. In the end, he told you about it, and it doesn’t sound to me like he was being deliberately deceptive. The best thing you can do now is support him as he works through this change in his life.
Does he feel the diagnosis was credible? Does he feel he fully understands what the doctor told him during that conversation? Because that generally isn’t something a doctor will diagnose after a single conversation. It’s not unusual for a bipolar diagnosis to take years. And medical treatment would probably not be short term or temporary.
When I had my first mental health crisis, many many years ago, the doctor cast out a few possible diagnoses… things we’d explore and consider when trying to find the right treatment plan. But didn’t hand me a firm diagnosis the first time I stepped in.
There is a hell of a lot information missing from this question, and I understand being hurt. There is definitely more to understand about what he heard from the doctor and what his next steps are, and it’s OK to ask him more specific questions, but treating this like malice or lying is probably both unfair and inaccurate.
I started out reading this thinking he hid a diagnosis from you for one and a half years?!?! But if it was two weeks I can understand why he might have needed some time to process, especially with a diagnosis like bipolar. I have bipolar and there’s a lot of stigma and misconceptions. I’m not even saying that he thought you wouldn’t be supportive, sometimes when you get a diagnosis like this you have your own internalized ableism to work through, it can take time.
I do understand being hurt, and I hope you can come to see what happened not as a reflection of your relationship but as a reflection of his relationship with himself. It can fuck with your whole identity to find out you have bipolar.
He told you a half-truth. He admitted to a mental health issue, but didn’t fully admit to the exact diagnosis.
I understand you’re upset, but as other people have mentioned, this is one of the most stigmatized mental illnesses. Put yourself in his shoes. Also remember: many mental health issues are initially mis-diagnosed, and many overlap. Ultimately, psychiatric diagnosis can be very messy, it’s not like there’s a blood test for these things.
With all that said, I would let this one slide, meaning, not worth getting upset at him for. Not to mention, if he was unwell enough to be hospitalized, he’s probably experiencing a lot of symptoms and is not feeling like himself. Imo it would be unsupportive to get upset with him over this.
You’re not going to get much help from people without experience with bipolar or relationship with bipolar. It’s not for lack of trying, but experience matters here. On the other hand the bipolarso sub can be a real mess full of people diagnosing their sig others to justify negative treatment. I would recommend looking into books if you decide to continue with the relationship. I’d recommend “loving someone with bipolar” to start. This can’t be a normal relationship and if that’s too much for you it’s okay and now’s the time to realize it.
Now to the question of why he took some time to tell you. Honestly it’s easy enough to see the more you see how people talk about those with bipolar. Also noting that he experienced an episode recently, shame is going to be one of his top emotions right now. Is it okay? That’s not for me to decide for you. It is understandable, however, and likely stemmed from that shame combined with a fear of losing you more than any nefarious reason.
This could end up being a lot for you, and only you know if you can take it and if he’s the one worthy of your effort. It will take so much empathy to keep in touch with what he’s encountering mentally as well, and to not take it personally. It will take cooperation on his part also, and very open communication as well as consistent treatment. I wish you both the best of luck.
Finally, be wary of people who make blanket statements about any mental health issue – it’s so much more complicated than the one or two people they may know with the diagnosis.
Sounds like he didn’t tell you for a maximum of two weeks, while you were physically apart.
I don’t think that rises to the level of hiding it from you. He told you within a reasonable amount of time. He may have been reeling and wanted to process it a little himself before telling you. He may also have wanted to tell you in person, but then he changed his mind or it slipped out.
I think this is a huge thing for him and you shouldn’t make the moment about how he didn’t tell you or how you feel. Just be supportive. Later when it’s less new you can always say, hey I didn’t like how you waited 2 weeks to tell me, please can you tell me big news the same day if you can, even if you think it will upset me. But I think of you make his diagnosis and mental health episode about your feelings he will always remember that – it’s not a supportive thing to do.
He may also not have told you because he thought you might turn the conversation towards your own feelings and how hard that is for you, and in his moment of crisis he couldn’t handle that. That may be totally inaccurate, obviously I don’t know you. But that’s what you’re doing now.
There also the fact he’s in an acute mental health episode (two weeks out still counts, to me.) so I think you should extend him some grace and not centre yourself in it.
Maybe he wanted to tell you in person.
Did he end up at the ER by himself or did random strangers call an ambulance? Im asking bcs a close friend of mine, female, had bipolar episodes where her boyfriend had to call the ambulance and they needed 5 people to get her to the ambulance. She’s 5’2” and 110lb. She was completely out of control and out of her mind.
The circumstances of how hour bf arrived at the ER are important. My friend remembers nothing and is medicated and takes great care of herself.
The problem with bipolar is that it can be quite serious and most likely he may have had episodes earlier in his life.
Even if it isn’t bipolar disorder, it sounds like it’s just hitting him that whatever he hasn’t isn’t temporary
>I am having trouble understanding why he would hide it from me
That’s pretty simple.
Knowing that he’s bipolar would let you know that you’re committed to being on his wild and unpredictable mental roller-coaster rides, from rocketing to his dizzying heights, then plummeting into his deepest darkest valleys.
It’s a ride you probably didn’t sign up for, and now, faced with its prospect, still probably don’t want.
He probably feels it’d go better for him if you and everyone else didn’t see him as “mentally ill.” He’s most likely right about that.
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>I accepted that and had no reason to doubt what he was telling me, we’re very transparent with each other about everything and he knows the depths of my mental health.
Fast forward today, having a conversation, casually slips in that he did get a bipolar diagnosis after this emergency the day he went to the doctor
Seems he’s less transparent than you thought!
He didn’t trust you enough to tell you the truth.
Maybe he’s ashamed or embarrassed, but either way he hid it from you… and apparently lied when he told you it was “temporary.”
What you have to decide is how much this lack of candor affects your relationship.
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>also adding in the fact that we live together—we are serious about our future together, which is why I am so sad that he tried to not tell me about it.
Oh, this changes things!
Consider finding another place to live.
Right now, you’re cohabiting under false pretenses.
You need to seriously consider walking away. Dealing with a partner with bi-polar depression is no joke. It’s literally a life changing thing. If you didn’t sign up for it then don’t feel guilty about going in a different direction.
Mental illness is highly stigmatized. It’s pretty reasonable your boyfriend was concerned about your potential reaction and is also processing the diagnosis himself.
You two need to sit down and discuss what your willing to share with each other.
You also need to let your boyfriend know you still love him. You two should research his condition together.
You should also consider that if you have children in the future, there’s a good chance they inherit his bipolar tendencies just like he did fr his family.
I would proceed with A LOT of caution. I dated someone for several years with bipolar disorder. My ex also did not disclose upfront, and I found out a year into the relationship.
I have a hard time believing that your boyfriend just very recently was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It’s possible, but the median age for bipolar disorder to present in males is 25. So given your bf’s age, I fear he’s been diagnosed your whole relationship. Obviously this is just my speculation. But if true, then I would be very concerned about his character.
Others have already mentioned but you are likely signing up for a lifetime rollercoaster. When someone is having a manic episode, they can do destructive things that harm not only themselves but others like you as well. It could look like spending crazy amounts or engaging in risky or inappropriate behavior, among a range of other things. There’s also the hereditary piece. You really need to evaluate what risk this person could pose to your life and is it worth it. For me, my life is better by all measures, since I left my ex.
So yeah, tldr: this looks like a tip of the iceberg situation to me and I would be vigilant about understanding the state of his health. People who haven’t dealt with a partner with this mental illness won’t be able to grasp how it can affect a relationship.