Without fail, I end up being the first one to come apologize to my wife regardless if it started with her or me. I’m really getting tired of it too, we’ve had this issue for our whole marriage and we’ve even covered it in therapy but nothing has changed.
The most frustrating part is after apologizing and explaining my side, it leads to her being more cold towards me and not acknowledging how I felt hurt. With replies such as, “OKAY OKAY I’m sorry, ALRIGHT!” Which to me, isn’t even genuine. It’s an attitude of *Get me out of this situation.*
Am I crazy? I’m someone who doesn’t like to let wounds fester, which may be a weakness but it’s out of love and the desire for harmony between us. Maybe I don’t give enough time for her to come apologize, but her track record is usually never unless I bring it up.
5 comments
If this were me I would work on not seeking validation from the apology of the other person. You can’t make someone authentically apologize if they don’t want to. Some people have a very tough time with apologies, and instead move on from the fight entirely afterwards and put it behind them. Yes, the closure of an “I’m sorry” feels nice, but it is possible to resume harmony without the formal apology. Also, people apologize in different ways, and not always just verbally. Could it be possible she has attempted to apologize in other ways?
You’re not crazy but I can see the resentment jumping off this post. If you’ve talked about it in therapy, and nothings changed, you need to stop prying it out of her.
Stop apologizing. Stop being the only one that cares about fixing things. Stop giving her 150% and setting the precedent that her half-ass 50% is acceptable. You making soooooo much effort is admirable – and right – it’s also feeding the resentment.
Is it petty? Yes. But you’ve tried talking to her with zero change, tried bringing in a therapist, I’m not saying accept it. But next time you two get in a fight, don’t apologize. Don’t ask for an apology. Just leave it and let her make the next move.
If she doesn’t make a move, then it’s maybe time for you to start showing her how serious this is. Not divorce material right now, but 10 more years of this?
You’re telling her what you need from her for a happy and healthy partnership and she’s unwilling to make any changes to support the success of your relationship. Maybe go stay somewhere else for awhile. Maybe ask her to go to therapy on her own and figure out why she has such a hard time admitting when she’s wrong. You’re right this is a nightmare. And it’s fair for it to be a deal breaker if nothing changes. You deserve better.
Have you given enough time for whatever situation to have been ‘healed’?
Like, it seems that you want to quickly brush it under the rug instead of dealing with it.
Apologizing doesn’t fix the problem.
So, her lack of sincerity could either be that the situation that led to the argument was not resolved, or she’s just not sorry.
Kinda sounds like the two of you could use professional help (marriage counseling). There are better ways to resolve conflicts that don’t involve arguments, therefore there’s no need for apologies over disputes. Apologies then fall to routine mistakes and accidents.
I personally believe a verbal apology is very important. It acknowledges the other person’s feelings and gives everyone a chance to admit what they could have done better, because in most situations we all could have been better.
Saying this, my husband is terrible at apologizing. He’s been a bit better, but only when I come to him and say my feelings have been hurt. Then he’ll say he’s sorry IF he hurt my feelings. To me that’s not a real apology, but my mom has told me some people just have a real hard time with apologizing properly and to accept that.