Me (28M) and my long-term girlfriend (28F) of nearly 6 years have had a really tough year. To contextualize the rest of this post, we’re both very much in love with each other and very vocal about it. Our communication skills are excellent and we talk about everything (good or bad) honestly and openly. She is probably my life partner who I will spend the rest of my life with, and she feels the same.
Two years ago we moved in together. Starting last year, we started talking about the relationship feeling weird. Stagnant. We used to talk about a mortgage, giving birth and marriage often, and now these are taboo topics we don’t really touch. Our conversations are sadder now, like the relationship is inevitably ending, which is strange to me because we both love each other and don’t have any obvious issues. We’re both very committed and want to tackle this problem and get over it, which is why I’m posting here.
Initially I thought the problem might be me. I’d been working from home a lot, waking up later than usual, not hitting the gym as much – you know, getting lazy after being in a long relationship. Not good. So I changed that completely and I’ve been working really hard to reach peak form both physically and mentally again. We had a conversation recently in which she said she wishes that was the problem, but it makes her sad because it didn’t make her feel any different, the boredom is still there. And that’s the word we really got stuck on: boredom.
I don’t think it’s the relationship ending, but I totally agree with her that it’s there. Like how the idea of breaking up and seeing other people is really exciting, but terrifying because of how committed we are and how tightly intertwined our lives are together. We don’t want to do that, but floated it as a topic.
I think that ultimately we’re both bored. I think we missed a few milestones – some friends are having children now, and it means that we’re just slogging the days away, doing the 9-5. Moving in together honestly feels like the worst decision: we’re still excellent together, but very bored. We’ve talked about moving out and maybe chilling back into our own lives again and going back to being a weekend couple, but that feels like a huge step back when moving in was so big for us.
We came to this realisation very recently and it excited us as we were finally able to put our finger on it. We’ve talked about how to make it better, and travelling seems to be the biggest factor (we’ve NEVER been on a holiday!) and have one booked very soon. 2023 is going to be very busy – I’ll be starting my PhD and she’ll have a new job, so our lives will definitely get more exciting and independent. My hobbies are very involved, but hers not so, and I’d like to help her figure it out on her own so she has more alone time away from me.
TL;DR
This is a bit of a ramble sorry, as it’s quite late, but the point of this post is to ask if anyone’s ever been in a similar situation. Long-term couples get bored, surely. It’s natural. But how do you battle through that? How do you find individual meaning when you’ve been a couple for so long? Excitement? What can we do to fix this?
Thanks, look forward to hearing your stories.
6 comments
Esthr Perel. Look her research up.
Boring people don’t know how to entertain themselves and become bored.
What do you guys do besides work, sleep and talk? Ffs I got bored reading this.
I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and we’ve had some long winters, but I’ve never really been bored. He’s my best friend. My number one goal on any given day is making him *laugh*. If I can make him laugh, I’ve made his day just a little better.
Seems like you guys don’t have any inertia. Like do you **do** things? Do you play games together? Or go on dates? Are you ever silly or challenging together? Do you ever play “let’s spend 30 million dollars” and plan hypothetical crazy trips to Disney that you’ll never have enough money for? What does retirement look like? What’s the worst baby name you ever heard? What do you want your relationship to be like? Whatever it is…Do it!
Someone mentioned Esther Perel (Mating in Captivity is her bestseller) but I’d say the Gottmann Institute (“7 principles for making marriage work”, “8 dates” are two books you could get from your library) might also be worth looking into.
You are grownups. If you want things to happen like marriage and kids, you have to make them happen. If you want excitement, you have to do exciting things. They won’t just happen.
You’re missing both mystery and novelty in your relationship. You don’t have to travel to have novel experiences together, though travel is a great way to do it and super fun; you can go somewhere you’ve never been in your town, do something completely out of the ordinary for you both (dance lessons? axe throwing? wine and painting? whatever works!), and have new experiences together. You’ve stopped dating one another and it really shows.
You also have no mystery because you’re so intertwined. This breeds boredom. It sounds like that’ll solve itself in the new year so maybe you don’t have to do as much about that, but just keep it in mind; mystery creates desire. That’s why it’s more exciting when you live apart. You don’t know what she’s doing every second of every day and having that little bit of potential for finding out something new or wondering about her is somehow more appealing/stimulating to the brain. Having individual hobbies helps a lot with this because then you both get to be into something and build skill and passion with it and your partner gets to occasionally witness this and that builds intimacy. It’s also impressive. You should still try with your partner and want to impress them.
If you’re bored it’s because the effort isn’t being put into it. The grass isn’t greener in the dating world; it’s greener where you water it. Any long-term relationship will hit stretches like this. It’s up to you to nurture it and make it thrive instead of just surviving.
(You can read up on Esther Perel’s tips for couples if you want more info about this.)
Don’t try to fix your relationship by having children. It only defers your problem for 20 years.
One holiday isn’t really enough – can you book a month or two of travel overseas? Flights are expensive but the rest is cheap in a developing country. That seems like a big factor.
Can you guys just do more stuff? Walks, classes, activities? Together and apart – doing things apart also gives you stuff you’re excited to tell the other about.
It sounds like you guys are bored in your lives rather than your relationship.