Back ground info: we currently live apart and I drive down each weekend to see him and so we can spend time together. He refuses to travel to see me due to cost of transportation (he doesn’t have a car) and my dads shift patterns (he works in the day and night, and can be very angry/emotional at anything if he is tired or disturbed from his sleep). He has asked me to come down to see him more and I have explained that I am exhausted after work and don’t get enough time for myself to wind down – I work in a nursery and promoted to the room leader in September, so it’s all very new and overwhelming. I am also going through therapy to work on my mental health as I’m struggling to process past childhood traumas and suffer from PTSD because of this.
So. Christmas Day I gave him back his engagement ring after a huge argument.
It started when he felt poorly the day before Christmas Eve. He felt off and so I cared for him (cooked, picked up meds, checked he was okay or if he needed anything as and when). He seemed grateful for the offers and took the meds when he felt like it. Christmas Eve comes along and we have a “chill day”. Didn’t do much and just rested – I finished work the day before and was exhausted. He developed a cough and was more tired than usual but still felt okay to come over to mine for Christmas Day, since his parents were abroad or a 3 hour drive away. My family had offered to cater for him again like they have done for the past 3 christmasses.
He seemed okay Christmas morning and fine during the drive to my parents, as well as when he got to open his presents. Soon after he took himself up to my room, tucked himself into bed and slept. And then woke up telling me he felt warm, has a tickly throat and is shivering. I gave him his dressing gown I gifted him and my mum suggested to sit in front of the heater downstairs to keep warm. I suggested to have an antihistamine for his tickly throat to eliminate any allergies if there were any. He countlessly refused and told me he didn’t need it. He also kept putting off any ‘cold and flu’ tablets he bought himself and telling me “I’ll have one later”. I leave him to sleep and help cook Christmas dinner.
I nudged him a little while before dinner was ready so he could get up if he wanted to. He was down in a flash and requested everything we had – extras where available. He inhaled his dinner, had 3 or so glasses of Buck’s Fizz and then took himself back to bed, complaining again he was warm, etc. At this point I’m pretty annoyed and feel like he only came for the presents, food and attention.
A good couple of hours later after having a nap myself I notice he hasn’t had his next dose of tablets that he bought. He told me he’ll have them later and needs sleep more than the tablets. At this point I’m getting very frustrated and annoyed that he won’t look after himself. I do at this point get quite stern with him and make him sit up to take the tablets. He then completely flips and tells I’m “bullying him” into taking the tablets and tells me he just needs sleep. Mum comes in at this point and asks if he should really be here or if he’s better off back at his, sleeping in his own bed. He completely gets angry with me and tells us both he’s being treated like shit and that he “wouldn’t get this in a hospital.” One thing leads into another and I’m then angrily taking him back home with mum in the car.
We have a huge argument in the car and bring up everything that we have been arguing about before – moving in with him, the fact that there has been no progress after 4 years, how my mum is in his business, how my therapy is taking longer than it should… everything. I get so angry with him and frustrated that whatever I respond with he’ll have an answer or angrier problem, I get up go into his flat and put my engagement ring on the table. I get back in the car and say “there, I’ve done something now”. We argue for a little more and I tell him to get out of my car.
Did I do the right thing? We are now 3 days deep into discussions about how things should be and how they can change – they’re mostly about how I need to see him more so he feels loved and it feels very one sided. We’re both a disgrace to the other sides family and everyone thinks we shouldn’t be together anymore but “do what makes you happy.”
11 comments
This relationship sounds like it has ran it’s course. Not every relationship is meant to last forever. Take the lessons and move on.
It’s definitely one sided. You did the right thing.
Yeesh. This relationship is over. Move on. He sounds like one of your nursery kids.
You did the right thing. Neither of you is ready for a serious relationship, let alone a marriage. Good for you for recognizing this relationship is toxic!
Healthy adult relationships aren’t like this. You’re too old for someone who acts so childish. You want to marry a partner – not someone you have to fight with 24:7 over engaging in life with you, taking on emotional labor or being a part of a unit. There are good men out there. There is no hurry up with therapy. My husband has been with me through years of it. It’s gotten better but when I’m triggered he makes me safe. When we fight, we don’t call names or raise our voices or try to win. We talk about everything. We compromise whenever we can. We are active participants in each others lives. We have never put each other down. That’s is nothing like what you have here. We have our problems the same as anyone – but your problems should be just that – you and him against a problem. Not him against you. I hardly ever say this but you gotta get away from king of the children here. You’ll marry him and just have another child to raise.
Do you want a partner or a kid? He is the latter.
Leave, his actions are not healthy.
Sounds like you’ve stretched a 2 year relationship into a 4 year relationship and neither of your hearts are really in this anymore.
Is there a reason he has not gotten drivers licence and car/motorbike?
That only is a concern and puts more pressure on you in the relationship.
Do not get pregnant to this guy.
You have outgrown him, he is a man child.
Focus on your self and your job then when settled get back into dating scene.
The only thing you did wrong was continue discussions. Just stop. Let this relationship go completely
Both should have stayed home and tested for covid before travelling and potentially exposing everybody else. Even if it’s not covid, it’s pretty rude to expose people to getting respiratory infections. Him refusing to treat his symptoms also makes transmission more likely.