The guy (38M) I’ve (36F) been seeing for 8mo told me today he’s been doing some soul searching and now that I have full parenting time (of one young elementary aged kid) his “heart isn’t 100% into it” and he’s thought about the life he wants and “this isn’t it.”
We had been working on plans to meet each other’s kids soon so this cut pretty deep.
He’s got the standard high level professional suburban single Dad package – 50/50 parenting time of two elementary aged kids with a reliable even if not easy to get along with coparent, high earner with plenty of disposable income and tons of vacation time for travel and a very accommodating flexible work schedule. I think he just prefers that lifestyle which is fine but that’s not the life I have.
It’s just very disappointing because I was 100% into it and thought it was moving forward something long term.
Full parenting time (no visitation) is new for me as of a few months ago, previously had 50/50, but he’s been in the loop every step as things have changed the last few months, so this isn’t new information.
I’m glad he told me before we met kids (that would have been a first for both of us) but it still hurts. My kid is always going to be #1 (and not in the dating profile “my baaaaby is my whole wooooorld way”, but like a responsible loving parent way) and I certainly don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t interested and enthusiastic about eventually integrating our kids into the mix.
I’ve dated on and off over the last few years and the prior two guys (a couple to a few months each) didn’t have kids and ultimately broke up with me because our lives were too different.
I’d like to find something long term eventually, not looking to have more kids of my own but open to a partner’s kids.
I don’t even know how the logistics of solo parent dating are going to work because I’ve never done it from the start but I know eventually I will want to get back out there
Anyone else been in this situation and eventually found a good match or have any word of advice or encouragement?.
4 comments
FT single Dad. It’s easier to date childless people. Single moms never go past a second date. I have my suspicions as to why but 🤷♂️
Still a lot of people will not long term date a FT single Dad, I assume it’ll be similar for you. Probably a 75% drop.
Also if your kids refuse to see your ex, that’ll cut down your numbers. I estimate half my matches lose interest after this.
Of course some people do find others so it’s not zero, just harder. In my experience.
Best advice I can think of: have a thick skin. You are going to face a lot of rejection. I also have 50/50 custody and I pass on women with full custody (and ones with 50/50 if our schedules are poorly aligned). It’s just too challenging to find time together unless the kids are a lot older, but often then they aren’t interested in me because my little one is… little. It’s not a judgment against you, though. It’s a recognition of an incompatibility, so you can’t attempt to own someone else’s rejection as necessarily a fault on your end.
Get solid child care. Since the one you have full time is little as well, you can’t leave them alone (probably) for long periods of time, so you will need to rely on child care often to date. Maybe that’s another kid of yours if they are old enough, or a babysitter.
When you plan dates, make sure they are things you’d be happy to do alone if it came to it. We should *all* do this, but especially if you need to get child care. If you go through getting ready and getting childcare and they bail, you need to still be happy to go do whatever solo and have a good time.
I’ve dated childless and single mothers. From weird custody arrangements to FT.
Some people have hard boundaries on that and it is their right.
I personally have 50/50 with a very flexible coparent but even that schedule has turned off some. My having four kids (3 adults) has turned off others.
Those choices say nothing about me though. It’s just simple logistics and preferences and maybe a bit of people thinking “OMG four kids? He’ll never have any time for me!” (Which is untrue as I’m free most of the evenings during the week and have sitting for weekends IF things ever progress, but I digress).
Find someone aligned with what you offer. There are plenty out there who are/will work with it!
Good that he told you as soon as he was certain his feelings had changed. Also glad before you’ve met each others kids.
You have full custody now which is a blessing. Focus on that and as your new schedule becomes apparent, you will find time for dating.