Why excuse a partners shitty behavior on their trauma?

19 comments

1. Yes

2. I would do anything to not feel so alone all the time even if it means being in a unhealthy relationship for a few months, because on the bright side I wouldn’t certainly know it is unhealthy.

3. Men will tolerate a ton of crap if the sex is good. Also if they aren’t too confident you’ll see a mindset of why give up a sure thing for a maybe. Takes time and experience to break that cycle.

4. They dont have options.

5. It’s the status quo. It’s why both men and women keep falling into the same traps or returning to toxic relationships. It’s easier to deal with what’s known, then what’s unknown.

6. > Is it an insecurity thing, or just general fear of being alone?

   yes, or they’re so used to being abused they think it’s normal.

   all genders do this tho; it’s not a men’s thing

7. How do they, or you for that matter, know whether a new connection is going to be healthier? Why should they think it’ll happen at all, if they leave the person they’re with now?

8. Well from our point of view if we break up with the woman then we basically get looked at as the bad guy. If it’s the other way around it is completely justified. It’s a lose lose situation for us either way.

9. Man some of these comments make me sad, I know there’s truth in them I just wish it weren’t the case. Men and woman alike should know their worth and hold potential partners behaviour toward them to a standard at least as high as the manner in which they’d treat themselves.

   There have been times where I have felt really low and like I was nothing to anybody but I would still never let short term gratification either sexual or emotional serve as a kind of paracetamol I’d take in hopes it would cure my cancer. Do what is right and/or necessary, not what is expedient.

   The time it takes and to and the value you can extract from work on yourself to the exclusion of anything else is worth it in the potential you’ll be able to unlock and see in yourself and share with others when you’re ready.

10. I’m super guilty of this. My last relationship tanked, because I would either bottle everything up- or go into defense mode if I was feeling vulnerable. One of the hardest lessons that I’ve ever learned.

11. I think men love harder than women and feel responsible to make it work

12. Beggars can’t be choosers. They might think that they won’t be able to find a new GF

13. All genders do this, but I think there’s less efforts aimed at men to help them recognize abusive behaviours (and tbh, after reading some twox posts, I think there’s a decent amount of people who will just refuse to acknowledge that men deal with shit, so the culture will continue to be perpetuated)

    I think it’d help if men weren’t constantly told how much of a loser they were for being alone, not getting a girl, being a virgin or not having sex. It’s one of the go to insults, even from people who claim they fight against shitty gender norms. I think it’d be good to teach men they don’t need those things to be a person worthy of having their humanity respected. Wouldn’t solve everything of course, people will still be lonely and there’s not really a lot you can do about that spare lending an ear, but at least I think less men would feel like they need to hold onto shitty relationships that hurt them

14. “They’re so desperate to feel less alone ”

    seems like you answered your question

15. That’s what I blame my own shitty behavior on, so it seems like a decent match.

16. Probably both.

17. >They’re so desperate to feel less alone

    Oh, so you know why.

18. Sometimes, you just love the wrong person.

19. Most women I met will treat their partners absolutely terribly if they aren’t checked.

    In short – It’s an attempt at using our protective instincts towards women against us. Her “trauma” will absolve her of all responsibility. It’s an attempt at silencing you when you are rightfully disappointed and / or angry with her.

    If a woman pulls that card, just tell her that as an adult human being, it’s her responsibility to work on her trauma. And if she can’t, maybe she shouldn’t be in a relationship in the first place.

    Since most of that “trauma” talk is usually bullshit in the first place, watch her being miraculously “healed” when she realizes that you are not going to fold.