[23M] [24F] Feeling awful for hiding a secret from partner. Need advice on how to reveal this in a mature manner.

*Disclaimer: Long block of text. And relatively new to Reddit and using throwaway account. Please forgive if any rules are broken while posting. (Also English isn’t first language)*

*And please don’t spam comments with how morally degraded i am, i am scumbag who belong to streets, i don’t deserve relationship etc. I respectfully acknowledge that anger by anyone is natural. And if you want to do that, do it in my DMs than here in comments. I will politely accept those there. I humbly request the comments to address the question rather than becoming a scale of my personality.*

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Back to issue.

Last year I (23M) entered in a relationship (we haven’t met yet) and the things are pretty much perfect between us. She’s the person i want in my life. No debates or question on this. No second thoughts. However i have kept a secret from her and this is now killing me inside.

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>Since i was 16 or 17, i stumbled around the world of sexual E-RPs. With time, it almost became a part of my life. And then came pandemic, leading me to the deepest rabbit-hole of this fantasy land. I got deeper and deeper into it almost to an extent of being addictive. Was doing it on a daily basis with multiple people on multiple platforms.
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>Anyways, last year i enrolled in university (online mode) and made some amazing friends and got into relationship with one amazing person \[24F\] when the sparks got right. However my E-RPs never stopped. The frequency lowered for sure. But it never stopped. In short, i was in a committed relationship but still doing E-RPs outside it. And hiding it from her.

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Just to make the things clear, my E-RPs were different from cybersex/sexting

* Just textual exchanges. No pics/videos/calls ever
* Never with known people. Only internet strangers found on various RP platforms
* No personal info asked or shared. No OOC (out of character) conversations. Just anonymous roleplays, nothing beyond that. All from specially created anonymous accounts.
* No typical sexting like i wanna suck your t\*ts or i wanna f\*ck you all night etc. Rather it used to be erotica style stuff (For example the NSFW stuff from places like r/ WrittenRoleplay and r/ AdvancedLiterateRP)

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The issue is i never considered it wrong as there was no intent to actually fuck ‘another’ person. There was no bond formation. No emotional connect or anything. No investment into the other person in real life. I just enjoyed it (was addicted). So i always thoughts it’s okay.

BUT WITH TIME, MY THOUGHTS EVOLVED. Now i don’t think the same. No matter what, E-RPs are a nothing but a very elite or sophisticated form of sexting. And IMHO, sexting is clearly cheating. (you may agree or disagree) Secondly, I learnt that if some act needs to be hidden from your partner, it itself answers whether to classify it as right or wrong. No if or but regarding it…

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**Virtual sex came a free service unless i realized i sold my soul as its price.**

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Now I feel really bad for doing this even after relationship. Though now i have stopped it totally, PERMANENTLY DELETED all my role-play drafts and accounts and even the especially created google account to join those platforms and i won’t be going to that path again, but still i feel guilty of doing this in the first place.

I can keep this to myself forever, as now i will never do it. And no traces of it are left (no accounts, no phone associated with it are with me, no IRL person or friend knows about it) so it will never be out. I can happily assume it never happened and keep my relationship sweetly going. But this will be too heavy on my heart. I can’t keep this to myself anymore.

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Now, coming to the part on what i want from fellow Redditors, please advice me regarding

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1. How do i disclose all this to her in a rather sensible manner?
2. Should i disclose this online itself or wait till i am able to meet her in-person?
3. What reactions to expect (as she is very emotional person) and how to handle the possible reactions without elevating the situation further?
4. Or, *though this ain’t on my mind right now*, but if it’s a better choice to just somehow forget about it all? I don’t want to do this but if it has a utility i am willing to do it (with a promise to each and every reader i will NOT indulge in the act again)
5. Should i seek a therapist? If yes, before disclosure, for me as an individual or after disclosure, for both of us as a couple? I have no idea about all this. Will it help? (Also this will take time as i don’t have a job now. Would be possible after a year or so)

**Please help me.**

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*TL,DR: Indulged in borderline sexting with anonymous strangers on internet even after committing in a relationship. Stopped it completely but only after a while and now can’t keep this as a secret. Need advice on how to reveal this to the partner in a proper manner.*