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For some background, I’m the mom of three kids. I’m a qualified accountant and worked in the field for several years, but left to be a SAHM after getting pregnant with our middle child.
I got a part-time job in a grocery store a year or so ago when our youngest started middle school. Our eldest is in his last year of high school and has important exams coming up in June.
While I was at work earlier today, my husband had a talk with him about being committed to studying and making sure he gets into a good college, saying that otherwise he would end up being “pathetic” and working in a store, specifically using me as an example.
My son told me this happened after my husband left to go to the hardware store, and I’m completely incensed and shocked. Not only did I bust my ass in college, I also run out household, buying food, doing the chores, making every meal etc. The fact my husband said this about me feels like a huge betrayal. He’s unaware that I know what he said.
Any advice? I just feel like absolute shit now.
45 comments
I’m not surprised you’re hurt, you’ve sacrificed a lot for your family and your husband used you as a cautionary tale with your son. What the actual fuck?
You need to tell him and you need to tell him how outrageous, unacceptable and toxic that was.
Time for a serious sit down and fry his ass. Do not take any bullshit and make sure he apologizes.
You see, there is no way a relationship thrives on disrespect and he has disrespected you in front of your child! Used the mother of his child as a bad example, as a failure!
Even your child was obviously schocked by this and felt the need to tell you.
Go on a freaking strike at home or something. Demand couples counseling because he obviously has some bottled up resentment towards you.
Hugs! I have no good advice. What your husband did was disgusting and pathetic and toxic and a terrible example for your son. Hugs
Make sure your son knows that you went to college and made the choice to stay home to raise him and his siblings. Then explain all the hard work that goes into running the house hold. Afterwards, rip your husband a new one and let him know he is an AH.
I know this subreddit loves to throw divorce at every problem, but honestly I would absolutely never forgive this. He has the nerve to say that about you, even though you had a career before your middle kid… what a POS. You could even say he has very rooted mysogyny with the way he doesn’t consider you succesful because you’re a mom with a part time job. Reading your post made my blood boil ugh
Call him out on this. You have worked skilled jobs and can probably get back into the field of you wanted.
Hubby has also completely discounted all the work you have done to run a household. I would be really mad and tell him that what he said was both hurtful and not true.
I’d rain fury down on his punk ass.
Get a full time job. Let him start cooking and cleaning and taking care of his fucking kids.
House would look permanently lived in.
Becuase you’re earning your money. Not like a loser SAHM that works at a grocery store so her husband and families lives can be easier.
Id make his punk ass regret it for the remainder of his life.
He just let his resentment of you not working slip. Well, resent the TV dinners you’ll be eating.
Wait for the perfect time and ask your son if he and his dad talked (hopefully husband is there), and tell him that you will show him how a pathetic person stands up for herself and I would grab my keys and walk out. Be sure to take your son with you. I would also tell your husband that your pathetic ass will be divorcing him.
Question: when you both worked after your first child was born, how even was the division of labor? Did he do an even amount of the childcare and household chores then?
I’m NEVER one to go in for violence in any way, but this dude would catch my hands in a verbal beating he’s never seen coming like a fucking attitude adjustment John Cena style.
You’re the mom of three children that’s a fucking round the clock job and you’re also working in retail! This is more than some people can handle without the children in between.
If I were you, this would cause a HUGE rift between me and the SO. As soon as you’re alone with him, get him and get him good. Call him out on HIS pathetic ass. JFC
Go back to work. Let him do your job.
Sounds like it is time you find a job in the field you got a degree in.
Stop doing everything at home, go back to work full time, and have a talk with husband.
Tell him, I know what you said about me to our son. And since you feel that way, I think it is time I make some changes. So this is what is going to happen. I am going back to work full time as soon as I find a job in my field. I am also not going to be cooking and cleaning all the time. You will now start taking on some of those responsibilities. Bills will be split accordingly once I get the job. If you have a issue with that then that is your problem. You are the one with the view point that working in a store is pathetic. So you will just have to get over it.
Then I would open my own bank account, and all my checks would be deposited in it, and only put what I had to in the joint account for my share of bills etc. I would be saving for the future, and anything possible that might come from this.
Tell hubby you want to go back to your work field, and it is time he starts sharing the household work.
I think a nice conversation at a family dinner should do it.
I’m just so sorry. Really, this hurts my feelings imagining how much you have sacrificed for love and to get that in return. I am so sorry.
I’m pathetic huh? Well you know what’s more pathetic? A man who sits around while his wife raises his kids, takes care of the house, cooks the meals, manages the bills, ensures our children are fed, taken care for and loved.
How dare you demean and degrade me to our child! And how dare you tell him that someone who works in a store is any less of a person who doesn’t. What kind of a father are you that you would shame a mother to her child in order to shit on someone who has a job that you deem unacceptable.
This has made me take a good hard look at my life and whether I want to stay in a marriage with someone who thinks I’m pathetic. Because in this moment, I don’t.
I worked my ass off to get a college degree and I decided to stay at home for the good of our family. How dare you judge me for that.
Every fibre of my being is screaming to tell you to go fuck yourself but I’m willing to try and work through this but you need to understand that your behaviour and attitude towards me is an utter betrayal of everything I have done for this family. You need to show me that you are sorry for what you said and I need to believe it. You need to apologise to our child for denigrating his mother and you need to show me that you value my contribution and value me as a person. If you feel that this is not something you can do then this marriage is over.
You should look into how much it would cost to replace a stay-at-home-mom with a number of people who receive a wage (because one person wouldn’t do all of the work).
Your husband is the pathetic one. I recommend that you start doing less and give him chores. Don’t do his laundry. Don’t make meals for him. Don’t do anything for him. Use that time on you.
OP, your husband doesn’t respect you, and without that, real love is impossible. I’m sorry, you deserve SO MUCH better.
I wouldn’t be able to unhear this. Please take a step back and figure out what you want with absolutely no consideration to what your crap husband needs or wants. Then do it.
Ladies, I beg you to reallly think about giving up your career for parenthood—far too often, then man you’re sacrificing for would never do it for you/the precious children and look—often, they don’t even appreciate it.
ERA: And girl, you’re on strike. Now. And for a long time. After all, if you contribute nothing, then your garbage husband shouldn’t mind.
Info: accounting lends itself well to wfh and part time work. So what made you go work in a grocery store instead?
I’m not excusing what he said in any way it was inexcusable, but relationships are never black and white. I wonder if there’s something else fueling it. What conversations have you had about your return to work, short term and long term? Was this planned as a long term change to your lifestyle and finances? Are there financial strains on your family that have necessitated you taking lower paid work than you trained for?
Let it motivate you to leave his dumbass.
INFO – was it mutually agreed you would quit to become a SAHM, or did you decide that against his wishes?
I would get back to accounting and get a nest egg. Or a getaway account however you want to call it. Now is the perfect time as tax season is upon us. Also people in the trades make Fantastic $ and have amazing Benefits. I will be working the rest of my life to pay off my degree. At least you got a useful degree.
Honestly this upset me to much I almost didn’t answer and scrolled away.
I would never be able to forgive this. There is not enough therapy in the world for your IMMENSE contribution to your family to be described as pathetic. The only pathetic person here is your husband.
I feel like there’s a LOT of missing information here.
I am in complete shock! I absolutely can say that I could not forget this!! This is the biggest hurt your spouse could do to you. I am sorry that apparently your married to a jerk! I really don’t know how to tell you to respond! I do have land with wild hogs…if you need anything to disappear…
Talk to him and your son. Because he’s teaching your son that being disrespectful to women is ok. Your husband disrespected you and you should ask him why he feels that way.
Lastly, I’d really suggest as a side gig, make some side money accounting and put it aside for u only. When your partner doesn’t respect you, it’s time to make sure u have something that will help you, like being financially independent.
This is why a person shouldn’t fall into the SAHP, it’s a trap
Please update on how you handle this assholery.
I’d let him flop for a while. feed yourself, feed the kids, he gets box of hot pockets.
Breakfast the next day? Another box of hot pockets.
Working at the supermarket can be grueling, it does not make you pathetic.
I’d go absolutely spare…
My parents (now divorced)had a similar issue. My mom became a SAHM and my dad conpletely resented her for it to the point that he complained about it for years after the divorce. He said he felt stressed that all of the pressure was on him to support the family financially and he wanted her to at least have a part time job (which she never got). I wonder if your husband has ever expressed to you a similar sentiment. When it was discussed, did he seem on board? Did he agree or did you tell him you weren’t going to work anymore? It wouldn’t be ok for him to say that about you and especially not behind your back to your son, but it’s possible he has always resented the fact that he married a woman with a successful and nice paying career and she put the burden of finances on him. I think there’s more at play here and it’s worth an honest conversation.
I also think there are a lot of men who don’t want SAHM wives and they don’t express that until after their wife has left her job. Its his duty to express his feelings, but he may not agree with this lifestyle.
Thats what my father said about my mother my entire childhood and I have grown resentful of him because of that. To this day he believes that this way of “motivating me” was justified.
If there is no way to stop him from doing that then please leave him out of self respect.
I begged my mother to leave his disrespectful ass but she refused no matter how much he insulted her. It makes me mad just thinking about it.
That’s harsh, I would really think about your relationship.
The silver lining here is that you’ve raised a son that respects and loves you enough to let you know this happened. I’m sure you already are, but make sure your son does his fair share of dishes, laundry, cleaning the bathroom.
As for your husband, I have no advice. I’m so sorry he doesn’t respect you. It’s up to you to decide how much of a dealbreaker that is. Perhaps you might want to get back into the workforce? And devote some of the time you used for housework towards a hobby or hanging out with your own friends. Let your husband see how “pathetic” he is for not pulling his weight at home for a bit.
I mean, you’re working three jobs to care for two children, and two of those is for free. And your second child is a grown ass man.
Yeah, looks like you could use a vacation from all the house work and parenting. Leave it all to hubby, as he clearly thinks he can do better.
Let him get all pissy while you get the divorce paperwork ready. You deserve a better man.
Get a full time job.. open your own bank account and see how he like that..
Why not go back to work? The accounting field desperately needs people right now.
Why even be with a guy who sees you like this
Seems he’s resentful about your income, and instead of talking to you he’s expressing it through interactions with your kids. That’s… fucked up.
I think it’s time you teach your son about misogyny and use his father as a perfect example. I am sorry for my pettiness but I am livid on your behalf. SAH partners provide for the life of the family just as much as the one who goes out to work. You’re an accountant, sure you can make a nice spreadsheet of what you do, find market value for all of those jobs your provide for your family, let’s say average salary level and present it to his,soon to be very sorry, ass! Then go find a job and renegotiate your parental and household responsibilities and finances with him. I suggest finding That Darn Chat on YouTube or TikTok she has a lot of videos and resources explaining these household dynamics, how to change them and what kind of language to use. Highly recommend you watch a few. Good luck
Why do you feel like shit? You didn’t do anything wrong, you’ve worked your ass off for your family and you’ve done it without talking shit behind your husband’s back.
HE’S the one who should feel like shit!
You get your apology, my friend. You get it and you make sure he means it. And maybe it’s time for couples counseling.
I would absolutely confront him about what he said and ask him who the fuck he thinks he is, putting you down after you GAVE UP YOUR CAREER TO HAVE A FAMILY WITH HIS UNGRATEFUL ASS.
Go back to work full time and make sure your husband has to do half of the household chores. Your youngest is old enough and in school all day. Don’t depend on your husband for your financial support, as it sure sounds like he has little respect for you. Regain your independence.
I think the fact that your son recognized how staggeringly stupid a comment this was is a very good sign. But I wouldn’t want to be your spouse.
If your job is so pathetic then your husband will have no problem with you quitting 🙂
I bet you made more money as a CPA than whatever the fuck he does. He can stay at home then.