My (26f) boyfriend’s (25m) sister in law (30f) is always using him for something
My boyfriend has a sister-in-law who has a 9 year old child with boyfriend’s older brother and he absolutely adores her.
He has always been there for his niece (let’s call her Alice) and she’s very attached to him. I love her so much as well. But I hate that his sister-in-law (let’s call her Rosa) acts like my boyfriend is her baby daddy. By this, I mean that she calls him for everything she needs as if he’s her boyfriend. She’s “married” to his brother (let’s call him Tony)but they have been separated for years now and he is a bum dad. Tony doesn’t watch his daughter, Alice, at all and will lie and say he’s not home just so he can be watching his soccer games and chilling. Alice can feel all this and says her daddy doesn’t love her. She has told me this herself and I feel for her.
What gets me upset is that my boyfriend has always said that Alice is his first baby. That he has been her main babysitter throughout her life and is more of a dad to her than his brother is. He has a new niece, 8months old, and even before she was born he was suing things such as “Alice will still have a special place in my heart. Alice is my baby”. When incorrect him, he for son about how his brother is a bum and that he has stepped up. I tell him it’s uncomfortable to me that he makes himself the dad in the picture instead of a great uncle, because that means he and Rosa are some little family then since she’s mom. And that it already seems that way. I also told him if we have a child, would Alice still be his “first baby”. He asked why both Alice and our future child be his first babies? That alone got me annoyed.
I know Rosa has it hard because she has always had a crappy family. Rosa’s older brother is an addict and has previously beat Rosa, their younger sister, and their mom up. Rosa works two jobs trying to get by. She recently moved out and is just so stressed out trying to provide for her and Alice. Rosa’s younger sister helps out but she usually goes to my boyfriend for everything.
For instance, asking him to pick up Alice from school. Asking him to watch Alice. Asking him to drop Alice back to her house. Asking him to help cause her car broke down. Asking him to help move something. Today he is helping her move things to a storage unit.
I know nothing truly is going on because my boyfriend wouldn’t do that and because she is now only dating women now because she says Tony made her not want a man ever again. Also, they’ve know each other since he was 15 so I don’t think there’s anything fishy.
I just hate that she has always used my boyfriend like her baby daddy when he’s not. She doesn’t trust anyone else around her. She doesn’t want my boyfriends dad alien with his niece even though he’s the grandpa and isn’t some stranger. When my boyfriend mother lived her, Rosa would always use her too. Would leave Alice with her and run off to Vegas. But now that she’s not living in the U.S. anymore, she’s using my boyfriend way more. And my boyfriend has no problem at all.
I feel selfish but at the same time I can’t help but feel uncomfortable with all of this. Uncle duties are one thing, I have nieces and nephews of my own and adore them. But to go around saying you’re “dad” is off putting to me. And for it to be his sister in law asking for all these favors, and not his brother being the one asking, is bothering me.
Tl;dr
Boyfriend’s brother doesn’t watch his child so my boyfriend has stepped up and taken care of her the most. He says his niece is his baby and refuses to see her as anything else. His sister in law relies on him for so many things. He seems more of a baby daddy than an uncle
4 comments
Your boyfriend is Alice’s father figure, like it or not. It’s great of him to have stepped up in that role so the child has that in her life. Stop being jealous of a literal child.
If you don’t want to be with a man who is present for someone else’s child he is not the man for you.
You dislike your boyfriend for what makes him a great person. Its normal and admirable if a family member turns out to be a failure as a parent for other family members to step in if they can and take over. Your boyfriend did this. That’s wonderful of him. You need to learn to get over this if you are going to stay with him, because he is doing the right thing, and you shouldn’t try to turn somebody into a worse person.
My uncle Brad has basically been in the same place as your BF is currently.
Brad has this niece Minnie whose father does not love her. The father will, at *best*, throw money at Minnie to shut her up. No quality time. No affection. Total fucking deadbeat.
Uncle Brad’s been loudly childfree my entire life, but he stepped up to the plate. He’s been that girl’s primary father figure since she was an infant. Sometimes that involved prioritizing Minnie in the same way that a father would.
The reality is that you are dating a guy who is a package deal. Alice and BF are a family unit, and you have no right to break that unit. By the sounds of it, you also have no power to break that unit because your BF has made his choice… He is not going to abandon Alice the way her bio dad has.
The gift your BF is giving this child cannot be understated. Minnie’s father believes that women are fundamentally inferior to men. He screams at his girlfriends, breaking and throwing things. His only use is that he makes good money – for now – as a drywaller. At least until his body inevitably breaks in about 10 years and his dumb ass can’t get another job because he’s got rage problems and probably a coke habit. (Source: I have other drywallers in my fam and he’s a walking stereotype.)
Meanwhile, Brad is like, the most genuinely feminist man in my life. He is an exemplar of the way that our Indigenous ancestors treated women – cherished, respected, honoured, listened to. Minnie grew up to be straight, and Brad gave her a chance at loving men who actually love her back. Minnie’s sperm donor could never teach her anything other than “it’s okay if a man abuses you as long as he buys you that new iPhone the same day.”
If you need to be with a man who is yours, all yours, then this guy isn’t the one for you. If you need to marry a husband who sees your children together as his only legitimate children? He’s not the one for you.
Either you open your heart to this Alice and Rosa situation or you don’t. It’s okay if you can’t, but if that’s the case then you should leave for everyone’s sake.
He’s doing what’s best for the child. His other nieces and nephews have ample family support systems in place that Alice does not. With the amount of time and love he’s giving this child he would have to be pretty cold hearted to not feel the way he does. Alice’s dad is a piece of shit. His mom is a piece of trash as well but consider he’s doing what’s best for the child. If Mom wants to fuck off to Vegas I’m sure he would rather Alice is with someone who loves her and is safe for her rather than mom dumping her off on whoever will take her. It is hard to balance between being used and doing what’s best for the kid so It won’t fault him for putting the child first.