My (33F) partner (34M) is planning on taking music lessons soon and had a hard time finding the kind of instructor he needs. Someone recommended a female instructor who is young and attractive. He asked if I was ok with it because we have had issues with me feeling like I can’t trust him due to a breach of trust early in our exclusive relationship (before getting engaged and moving in but by the time we were exchanging I love you’d) the breach of trust – him downloading dating apps and texting 2 women who he never met up with and denied until I confronted him with evidence – led to couples counseling. This was 2 years ago and he has since worked on himself, and we have worked a lot on our relationship. He had a troubled life and a lot of neglect which doesn’t excuse anything but has helped him and myself understand how his behavior of self-destruction and attention seeking came from a deep desire to feel seen. Despite the fact that nothing new has happened, I have a lot of fears and anxieties about him getting close to women, even if it’s in an educational capacity because I fear that relationship could become intimate. I have expressed all of these fears to him and he is very receptive / willing to not go to this instructor or do anything to make me feel better. I find that I am very anxious anytime we are not together and I’m afraid that I’m being controlling. He said if I want I could sit in on his classes and that made me feel really bad, like I don’t want to parent him I just want to trust him. The breach of trust between us plus his dishonesty in past relationships (albeit when he was like 18-24) make me worried but I don’t want to have a relationship not built on trust. He treats me like his #1 priority say-to-day, takes very good care of me, we are definitely best friends and spend most of our time happily together, but I’m afraid one day the rug will get pulled from under me. I told him he could take the classes and he has since been in a particularly jolly mood which may or may not be because of that but of course my anxious brain is reading it as him being happy to get to interact with pretty woman that’s not me 😅
I’m wondering if my worries are warranted, or if I should just support him in taking the classes.
Tl;dr: Should I be worried about partner taking lessons with female instructor?
4 comments
Either you trust him or you don’t. He doesn’t need an instructor to cheat.
The female instructor is a professional. She’s likely not looking to screw her students.
Would you be upset if he had a female boss? Coworker on a project? Cashier?
Women exist in the world.
If he wants to cheat, he doesn’t need to pay for music lessons to make that happen.
As a music teacher who started when I was very young and attractive – I highly doubt you have anything to worry about from her. Music lessons can feel quite personal since music is personal, but she’s a professional and this is her job. He might be “jolly” or light up when he talks about lessons – but that can be from the excitement of music making itself. Are you interested in learning at all? Maybe you should take a few lessons yourself. Spending some time with her might put your mind at ease.