My husband (30m) went bar hopping with a group of friends for a birthday— I (31f) stayed home to be with our baby. It was getting to be the end of the night and everyone was pretty lit, dancing and having fun. My husband separated from the group to use the restroom. Our close friend (30m) followed him, since he had to use the restroom too— he’s gay.
On the way out my husband slipped and fell and security, assuming he was too drunk, kicked him out on the spot. They were firm about it. Our gay friend followed behind my husband. The friend knew the area and showed my husband to a nearby park. They were chatting.
My husband was sleepy and didn’t want the group to have to leave early cause of him. He decided to take a nap until bar closing, thinking our friend would look out for him, as the area was pretty sketchy and it was nearing 2 am.
My husband fell asleep and woke up to our gay friend fondling my husband’s penis through his underwear. The friend had pulled my husband’s pants down while he was sleeping. My husband freaked out, pushed the friend off him, pulled his pants up and got away. He went back toward the bar and just then saw our group of friends exiting. The gay friend joined shortly after. My husband didn’t mention what happened to anyone.
My husband was extremely disturbed. He feels violated and betrayed. Our gay friend was extremely drunk, more than anyone else, but that’s not an excuse. My husband met this friend through me— him and I have been friends for about 8 years, and are so close we would call each other brother and sister. I am livid to hear what he did. My husband is still not ok.
Do I have a talk with this guy and possibly keep him in my life? Cut him out of my life? Is he considered a sexual predator? He made an old male roommate of mine feel uncomfortable (a mutual friend of ours) after going into his bed early 1 morning to cuddle. This gay person has lost our trust. He’s a very popular guy, and it would be impossible to avoid him, since everyone adores him and wants him at their events. I hate to throw away a friendship but what he did was NOT ok on any level. My husband is my priority.
Please advise how to handle this situation.
Edited a typo
13 comments
Talk to your friend and explain exactly what he did and how it was not okay. Ask him for some distance because obviously you both need some time to recover from assault.
I would first think of your husband. I’m assuming he never wants to see or hear from this person again. If that’s the case, you shouldn’t continue a relationship that exposes him to more thoughts/awareness of his assaulter bc that is what the guy is… your husband’s assaulter.
Also, you call this guy your brother, I would like you to just think of all the “caught my sister/ brother with my significant other” posts on reddit. Those siblings did not care a bit about the sibling they were betraying and I think you know that this holds true in this case. Luckily for you, he isn’t a real relation. Cut him out without fear of awkward family holidays.
I doubt these two people were the only ones he did something to. I would consider reporting it or letting the community know in some way that he is not safe to be around. Anonymously if your husband prefers. Being drunk isn’t an excuse
That’s rape is it not? He’s most likely done it to others. Report
I would absolutely mention it to the entire friend group. They have a right to know he’s a predator.
Just throwing it out there bc there have been a lot of down votes about a post regarding SA and OP is using her regular account. I think assaulter and friends have caught wind and are now trying to diminish the post.
Who the fuck decides to take a nap in a sketchy park in the middle of the night ?
I call bullshit
Steps to take:
1. your husband may need therapy. He was SA’d.
2. Ask your husband how HE wants to deal with this. Does he want to tell friend group? Tell him that you don’t think you can ever talk civilly to this ex-friend, but ask your husband if he wants to remain friends with him.
3. Make sure that your husband has your full support, and he gets to decide how he wants to hand this.
You missed step 1, have your husband file a Police Report immediately …. this is a clear case of serious sexual assualt and he needs to be dealt with by the criminal justice system otherwise he will keep sexually assulting people, he is already a serial offender. A year or 2 in prison should give him the time he cleary needs to think about it and understand his actions are criminal and not acceptable in any way, shape or form ….
Why are a bunch of comments hidden? They’re showing up in my email cut off. I’d love to be able to read them
The fact that you’re thinking of keeping this guy in your life. Like do you even care about what he did to your husband?
That’s sexual assault and I hate how some people just won’t call it that probably because your husband’s a man. I don’t know if filing a police report will do anything but this is not okay, your husband should know that what that guy did to him is SA and that he has every right to file a police report and never want to see this person again. We need to start taking these things seriously when they happen to men.
Is it possible the friend put something in his drink? Does your husband usually get so wasted he’s getting kicked out of bars and passing out in public? The fact that he was falling down drunk and was followed by the friend sounds more like he was drugged and pursued by someone with malicious intent from the beginning. (ETA- just reread the post and he’s not alleged to have been very drunk. This furthers my suspicion actually- if he appeared to be so drunk as to have difficulty waking and then suddenly felt like taking a nap…major major red flags here)