Wife is having an affair, need advice on how to proceed
I will try to make this brief as it is a very long story and half a venting. My wife and I have not been in a good place for years. Have been in separate bedrooms and barely hanging on. We have been in and out of couples counseling and are with one now who seems to be working well with us. Long story short, I caught my wife having an online and in person relationship with a man in the town over. I confronted her and she admitted to most of it. I do not think I can recover from this. We have a wonderful 5 year old son who has been the glue of what’s left for our relationship. I have held on to the tiniest bits of hope through this counseling session but learned today my wife, supposedly only this month, has started having sex with someone. What is the best move to make legally to protect myself and my son? I have asked her to stay somewhere else but she refused. We met in a public place to discuss. She has a custody agreement in mind from a previous meeting with lawyers but as the father of a young child I want to make sure I maximize my time with him and not be a weekends only visit. Divorce isn’t final, but I don’t see a way I can come back from this. I’m sorry for the rant and jumping around. I’m physically shaking and my heart rate is over 140. I just learned of this about two hours ago and really struggling.
9 comments
As far as relationship advice goes, you’re already doing what everybody would recommend: divorce.
The questions you ARE asking are legal questions. You need a divorce attorney, not reddit.
Go to an attorney, take as much money from a joint account as you have start preparing to live on your own and frankly, if you want to I would think about getting child custody of your son. So talk to an attorney get your financial house in order. I would do that, for you confront her she already knows about the other confrontations, but I would gather evidence all the evidence that would help you in a divorce proceeding.
You need your own lawyer. Then a therapist. Your lawyer can suggest one.
Get a lawyer NOW!
Make clear you want parental rights and maybe try to go for full custody.
Pay her as litle as you can and focus on your son!!
Honestly man.. it sounds like you are WAY behind the curve on this one and she may have already outmaneuvered you. She has been planning this for awhile. I don’t mean to come off mean, i swear, but it sounds like she has capitalized on your trust/naïveté and she and her lawyers are about to clobber you with a big stick, metaphorically speaking. She is probably gonna hit you below the belt with anything she can, to the point that you’re going to think to yourself “who tf was I married to?” after it’s over.
Do you have *anything* concrete that you can show to a lawyer and then a judge that demonstrates that she is an unfit mother (this is, of course, dependent on the concept that she actually is unfit. Your child is the most important thing here.. if she is a more stable parental option than you are, and please try to be honest with yourself about this.. if she is, you should probably accept that you’re going to be relegated to less time and make your peace with that)? If you do, get thee to an attorney, stat, and understand that in most states you are going to be fighting an uphill battle against a fortified position with the resources to wait you out.
A good attorney, the best you can find, is going to be your most important resource.. from everything you’ve posted here, I don’t like your odds. She’s the mother, she’s already met with an attorney and has clearly been planning this for some time, it sounds like she doesn’t care much for you, she’s probably got all kinds of tea and receipts on deck. Idk about your state’s regulations, but where I’m at, once a motion to show cause for parenting time is entered, both parents are required to take a parenting class remotely and then do at least one court sponsored mediation before the court will enter a judgement. Assuming the same protocols (don’t assume though, actually get a lawyer and find out), best shot is going to be to learn the outside limits of a father’s parental rights in your state and try to push her in mediation with the concern that you *could* get even more than you’re asking for there, and hopefully get a reasonably favorable outcome in mediation for the court to ratify.
However, please consider this as the most important consideration.. really look at what you’re asking for and make sure it’s in the best interest of your kid. I gave much more than I had to in mediation because I didn’t want my son to be uprooted and subjected to the disagreements his mom and I have.. I’d prefer he never had to think about it, but since clearly his mom and I don’t live together he’s gonna notice something.. but I try to make sure I always treat her with respect and compassion, especially in front of him, because they will emulate what they see us do.. and more than anything, I want my kid to be a better person than I am. Also, I didn’t even fight for custody.. my state doesn’t do joint custody unless both parents agree to it, and she never would have.. only more parenting time, because I make significantly more than her. It has never been about the child support.. I paid it for years before there was a court order in place and most of the time didn’t ask for receipts (don’t do this, by the way, you’ll regret it later lol.. ask for receipts).. but living with her, he gets significantly better health insurance than I can provide for him (my job pays very well but the benefits are godawful) and it’s a safer neighborhood and he doesn’t change schools.. what I’m trying to say is, take a real look beyond your own ego and evaluate what situation is going to give him the most realistic odds for success and happiness and do *that*, even if it means you’re making some sacrifices (and I definitely don’t mean abdicating responsibility, ever, both parents showing up for their kid when they’re young in a stable way is probably the single most important predictor of emotional maturity and happiness later in life). Good luck man, sorry you’re going through this. Keep your son’s well being as top priority and you’re much more likely to get through this still standing.
Get a lawyer immediately. Spend lots of time with your son (do not say anything negative about his mother). Do not move out of the marital home (not even for a night).
Get your own lawyer NOW!! Fight for custody of your son!
You need to put the child’s well being and your mental health first. She is already gone. Consult with an attorney or a mediator to understand what to expect might happen in divorce in your jurisdiction. It will be painful for months or years, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. And your current existence is a slow, unhappy death.
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