My (24F) friend (26M) of 8 years has been a very difficult person to deal with in past few days,
We have had a very close friendship all this time and we always cared a lot for each other, like if we don’t speak for many days, we get anxious about the other person,
We always had this flirting jokes which I later got to know isn’t 100% jokes from his side & there’s some element of truth to it which he never clearly expressed/ talked about & have always evaded a convo while starting to ignore me, distance from me & then keep returning when left alone and also being bitter and treating me with rude sarcasm,
Also, for the background, I’ve been single always and plan on being that way forever and he knows it, he has been in one relationship and got cheated on & takes it so seriously, like still feels hurt and he’s someone who hates hook-up cultures & values relationships a lot, believes in true love etc etc
Fast forward, recently he’s hinted at being serious about those “jokes” – like “When are you going to take me seriously, I mean it, we’re perfect for each other, don’t cheat on me” & other such things, now I didn’t ask further and still think it may still be jokes but if he’s being real, I hate this. I hate how he thinks he likes me but it’s only him being fed up of his loneliness and not being able to move on the betrayal and just gaslighting himself into feeling all that and putting me through all this too. Also, he doesn’t really have to feel this lonely, like he has so many friends and everyone around, he has a way better life (socially and otherwise) than mine.
And hate how he has treated me recently due to all this, can I tell him straight away how I feel about it? Where will this go?
tl;dr : Friend (26M) thinks he’s in love with me (24F) because of his loneliness and I want to confront to him how unreasonable he’s being.
3 comments
It sounds like he’s been into you for a long time, and you have accidentally been encouraging him, because you aren’t interested in relationships and thus are bad at reading and understanding other people who are. I have no idea why you think he’s into you just because he is lonely, when he has been persistently into you and trying to get with you for a while (albeit badly). What you need to do is be clear that you aren’t into him. You two probably also aren’t really friends, which is unfortunate. He probably thought he could use the friendship to have an in with you romantically, which is a terrible thing to do, but a common awful thing for people to do.
Don’t tell him how he feels, tell him how you feel: “You’ve been making more flirtatious jokes lately, and it’s honestly started making me uncomfortable. In case we need to clear the air, I just want to say that while I love being friends with you, I’m not interested in dating.”
No, it’s not okay to tell him that you know his feelings better than he does. (Even if you’re right, which you may or may not be.)
It’s 100% okay to tell him that you are not interested, don’t want him to talk to you about his feelings anymore, and will stop flirting/joking with him now that you know he’s taken it too seriously. It’s okay to tell him that you are unhappy with how he’s treating you. You just can’t decide that you know *why* he thinks he’s in love with you. The why doesn’t matter anyway, only how he acts about it. If he loved you quietly but were respectful of your wishes, you’d never know about it and wouldn’t be having this problem.