Hello all.
So my (27m) and my gf (24f) have been dating for almost 2 years now. She makes me very happy and we’ve grown a lot as a couple. However, there’s one thing that keeps coming up and causing stress and I can’t seem to figure out how to explain it to her in a way she understands. We both struggle with anxiety and she’s had some previous trauma, so conversations can be difficult sometimes because of the stress.
So the issue is that I like to concentrate on a task for a while. If it can be done, I do it till its done. If its an activity, I can enjoy myself for a while. But she also has her needs and I have learned a few things over the years that help ease her stress brain in the moment. I like helping, but I struggle with people pleasing. She “interrupts” my focus. If she needs me, even if its something small she should realistically be able to do herself, I usually have to put whatever I’m doing down to interact or assist.
Now normally, this wouldn’t be an issue. People have needs, I love her and I don’t mind helping her out or being comforting. But its gotten to a point where I just kinda fizzle all day if she’s home, only able to get small and quick things done. I can’t do anything that requires focus or anything that requires holding a specific line of thought. I did a little research and there was a few things that also made me wonder if I dissociate and not really focus.
I’ve tried bringing it up in different ways a few times. Trying to explain I feel like I need time just hasn’t gone well. Once or twice its sounded like we were on the same page, but then nothing changed. And then the cycle just repeats.
I love her and I know she loves me. I know that I’m either missing something or I could be disassociating and not understanding the circumstances like I thought I did. Has anyone else had a similar experience? Any advice on what I can try and do?
TL;DR I kinda need to focus on a task. My gf needs me a lot and talking about it before has not lead to any sort of change. I know she cares and I want to work it out, I’m just not sure what could work. Advice?
2 comments
So you can only complete a task if you have uninterrupted focus?
I think there is room to meet in the middle here.
You can ask for more space when you are working on something important, but also critically, just for general life even, you *need* to learn to refocus after interruption.
I would look into adult ADHD.
Could you talk about scheduled time for deep focus work? Myself and my partner are the same way. So we have a “closed door policy” where a closed door means do not enter and an open door means interrupt away. It sounds like your girlfriend is anxiously attached and Amy interpret this as an insult. Maybe you could compare it to exercise? Like finishing a warm-up and then taking a break before exercising? I know my partner has had one relationship end because of this issue, she just couldn’t understand the need for alone time outside of work hours. Some people might get it if a third party helps describe it like a therapist. Some people won’t get it
Other than reiterating that it’s just about how you focus, and that interruptions make it hard to get started, it wouldn’t matter if it was her or anyone else, and you’re very happy to see her when you’re done your work.
Also planning it together. “What time of the weekend would work for you for me to get my focus work done. Would after supper work, or would you like me available then?” The trick being of course that she does have to agree to a time ideally.