Hi, I’m just very confused to how a grown woman can be “forbidden” to do something that isn’t illegal by her husband or anyone for that matter. I can barely type with all the rage, embarrassment and disgust that I’m feeling.
The company is a big one, so there is no room for speculation that it could be a scam and like all companies nowadays they’re trying to be more inclusive, I’ve never modeled in my life and it has never been a dream of mine but when I was approached I felt intrigued and excited. I asked for some time to think and I went home and did research and it was a serious company and they use all types of models. I even googled the woman who approached me and found her on LinkedIn. So I said yes. The pay is awesome too. Nothing I’ve ever earned before.
When I told my husband and showed him the website he got very mad and said NO! “*I don’t want your ass blasted all over the internet*”. He later took my phone and contacted the woman and told her that he wasn’t interested and to never contact me again. I tried to argue but he just ignored me and when I wasn’t relenting he involved my mother who was as livid as he was. I don’t understand that they think they’re in charge of what I do with MY life.
I want to understand if I’m totally wrong here because nobody seems to understand that I feel hurt and humiliated. Not my family or friends. I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong here because all of the rest can’t be.
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Edit: Hi again! I realize now that my husband has the right not to like this idea. I’m going to decline the offer. Having said that, I still don’t like how my husband reacted. We have been married for 3 years and he never been like this. Yes, he is strong willed and is often in charge but never when it’s stepping over my boundaries. We have a problem and we need to fix it because I don’t like this side of him.
46 comments
Job opportunities are usually something I’d talk with my partner about before accepting. And, tbh, the details of the work (this specific work) is also something you’d probably want to talk about with your partner before accepting.
His reaction is bordering on abusive, so that’s alarming.
This whole thing feels off. I have a feeling y’all aren’t having the best time as a married couple these days?
You’re allowed to model if you want and he’s allowed to have a problem with it if he wants.
If you care about him more than the job don’t do it. If you care about the job more than him do it. Nobody’s in the wrong here.
This is tricky.
Underwear modeling is something that a significant other might not be comfortable with their partner doing. Especially if they’re not a model already so I can see why he’s upset about it.
I hate his reaction though. You’re right that he can’t forbid you from doing something. And he never should have involved your mom, that’s crossing a line.
If this is a normal reaction for him I’d say you need to think if this is the kind of relationship you want. But if he hasn’t had reactions like this before I would be curious exactly how the conversation of you bringing this up went.
If you talked about it and he explained that’s this is a boundary for him and you just decided to do it anyway then I can see how it blew up. Not saying his reaction was justified or right, but if my spouse suddenly decided they wanted to be an underwear model and didn’t care how I felt about it I would be upset.
If you want to do the modelling job then do it.
They can’t control what they do.
Insaying that, they can control their response to it, and by the sounds of it if you do the job, your family will make your interactions with them difficult, and your husband will probably be looking at divorce.
So you decide what you want to do.
Oh and to the comment about what’s different about this and going swimming in a two piece.
Social norms. Society has decided that a swim suit or bikini is different to underwear.
And the fact that the people at the pool or beach see you for moments, and then never again, where as the pictures for this job will be around for ever.
His course of actions are wrong.
He has every right to put it as a boundary in a calm respective manner. And you then decide what’s more important to you, your relationship or the modeling job.
He’s shitty for giving you orders and taking your phone. A big no. He need learn some communication.
You’re right, he cant forbid you anything.
You listen to his concerns and decide then. And based on your decision he can walk away or stay
I would not want my wife modeling underwear. I trust her not to put stuff like that above our marriage. The marriage is more important
Do you want the job or your marriage? Most men I know would not go for this. The ones that would aren’t married. You can have a lot of internet strangers judge your husband based on one incident but only you know what your marriage is like.
So, are you done with being in this marriage? That’s the decision only you can make.
He can totally not be comfortable with it.
However the way he reacted is concerning to say the very least.
Is he usually this controlling?
Well, you, a grown woman, can only be “forbidden”, if you let yourself be. Nobody is in charge of what you do.
But…
What you do has CONSEQUENCES
Everything you do does. Every choice you make. Including this one. So make sure you understand the consequences of either side, and pick the one you can better live with.
Your husband was wrong for how he handled it. But it’s his right to have a boundary where his partner doesn’t model underwear. You can absolutely do the shoot, but he also has the right to end your relationship for crossing his boundary. Its up to you on how you want to proceed.
You’re absolutely right that no one can tell you what to do. And the way he did it was 100% wrong.
But are you willing to sacrifice your marriage for a modeling job that may not last for all that long? They will keep you until you are no longer what they are looking for. Then you will be let go, and husband will be long gone
Just adding on to the comments , should you decide not to do the modelling job let him know that moving forward you’d like to communicate any issues or matters that arise in your relationship in a healthy manner . Like others have said you are his wife, and therefore you deserve to be spoken to with respect . You are not his child that needs to be scolded and should be spoken to not treated as such . Also any issues or matters that come up in your relationship should be discussed with between you . He had no right to get his mother involved .
You can do what you want. But he can divorce you for anything also.
I think you found his wall. Meaning it is likely he will completely leave you if you pursue this job. Especially if this is out of character for him.
You can do what you want but you also have to accept if you do, your marriage is over.
If any woman in my life was approached by a stranger to pose in their underwear, I wouldn’t give one shit what the internet said, I’d ask, are you crazy?
I agree with others that he can’t forbid you from doing anything. You’re not a minor and he’s not your parent.
But, at the same time, I understand why he’s upset. I’d feel similarly if my wife came to me and told me she wanted to do an underwear photo shoot.
Once an image is on the internet, it can be next to impossible to get it removed. People who see it can download it and upload it elsewhere. It will never go away.
Yes, he should have told you that he considered doing the shoot as a boundary and that there would have been some consequence if you did the shoot anyway. But he shouldn’t have forbidden it.
You said you can’t see how anyone can forbid you from doing anything that isn’t illegal. You say you can’t understand why they think they’re in charge of what you do with your life. So presumably you have contacted this company, explained the situation and taken the job? If not, you’ve just answered those two questions for yourself.
Just so you all know… this post is absolute proof that a woman can say and do anything in this sub and as long as she has an asshole for an SO, no one looks any further.
In this very sub someone asked OP if she discussed it with her husband before saying yes, OP claimed that she talked to her husband before making the decision but in the actual post she did not, she said yes BEFORE talking to her husband.
Now, understanding that when people come to this sub, they put themselves in a good light and put the other person in a bad light, if OP is lying about this simple thing, what else is she lying about?
More likely is that she said yes, she then told him, which would annoy anyone and then he said he didn’t approve. The taking of phone and calling said person to say no is just fluff to get you on OP’s side and I say this because another poster asked if he was controlling and OP said maybe she just didn’t notice it before… (lol)
That said, ***NO ONE is in charge of your life OP except you***, you are perfectly ok with modeling underwear if you choose to, but that does not mean your actions and decisions can be made without consequences and it doesn’t mean everyone else is an asshole because they do not agree with your decision.
He can’t forbid you. He can be upset if you do it, but stealing your phone and rejecting the job offer on your behalf is way over the line. I’m a man who’s been married for 25 years and I would never do that.
Sure love to see his side of story.
As his reaction, He sure acted very poorly to reflect his views to you.
However for most men It’s really red flag to have their wives to be seen by other men in Underwear.
I personally am not comfortable if this happened to me.
Best of luck
He was wrong for the way he ran roughshod over you, thats where he crossed a line. However, he would have every right to make this a boundary and follow through with consequences if you did it anyway.
He can’t forbid you from doing this, but he can leave your ass.
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Yeah this would be a big deal breaker for me as well. You as a grown woman can do whatever you want BUT you must also suffer the consequences.
Your husband approached it totally wrong. I would have just told you that I would prefer that you didn’t pose for the modeling gig and when you did. I would just tell you after boxing all your shit up in moving boxes that I would prefer you to move out. Then serve you with divorce papers.
As someone who has had an agent… someone approaching women for underwear modelling is creepy. There are proper channels to go through to find women who have agents and are willing to do this professionally.
How long into the conversation did your husband blow up. Was it 5 seconds or 15 minutes? If he exploded instantly, that’s a him problem. If it was a long conversation of him repeatedly saying he didn’t like the idea, then that’s a relationship problem.
TDIL I can spend a little money on Google ads and LinkedIn, and random women will allow me to photograph them in their underwear!
I’m in no way condoning what your husband did, but I can’t believe you didn’t at least discuss this with him before saying yes.
You’re welcome to do whatever you want with ~your~ life, but it is a completely reasonable boundary for someone to not want their partner to pose in underwear and for it to be used in marketing material. Why would you agree to it before discussing with him?
Again, yes, it’s your life and your body but all actions have consequences and it doesn’t even feel like you took a second to consider that while in what I assume to be a monogamous marriage?
2 incredibly selfish people.
Despite all the righteous indignation, you both sit around the same tier on the sh!tty scale.
You acted unilaterally, and so did he.
Neither of you showed the other any regard or respect.
The post makes it clear y’all got problems, but not the way you think it does.
You’re right they’re not in charge.
You can do what you want though obviously your husband is free to initialize a divorce if he doesn’t like it.
Maybe if you consulted him first before accepting such an “intimate” job offer. I wouldn’t want my wife flaunting her goods like that. Sounds like you got all excited that your body was nice enough to model and thought “fuck what my husband thinks” and then pull the “controlling” card when you didn’t get your way. Modeling is very intimate. Underwear modeling even more so. He also probably knows that at some point, some 15 year old kid is going to be sneaking the Sears catalog into the bathroom and doesn’t want his wife viewed like that. Honestly, you were pretty selfish just accepting the job without consulting him. He’s your husband.
This is the kind of work you can’t just do despite what your husband says. To all the people saying he’s controlling… No, I would not stay with my wife if she started being a lingerie model. Nope. NoPe nope.
Do people forget what guys do to each other or even what some women do. The first person at his work place that knows his wife and sees this could very well spread it all around his workplace. I am sure he would love coming into work and all the guys there talking about his wife’s great tits and ass or telling him he has a lot of cushion for the pushing. People putting up pictures of his wife’s underwear shots around work and constantly screwing with him over it. I guess it’s just ok for him to be completely humiliated at work and have his life being made a living hell because her body her choice. Choices have consequences and it does not only affect her. What about a son or daughter in college who may have to deal with the same thing? Hey dude I rubbed one out to your moms underwear pictures the other night, tell her I said thanks. Do people forget how shitty other people really are? Apparently none of the my body my choice people thought about any of the possible consequences for anyone else in her life.
Oh, you’re not forbidden from doing anything.
You’re just forbidden from doing it while maintaining a relationship.
If the relationship isn’t worth it, then that’s an easy choice.
You were approached to be an underwear model??? I don’t care how much research you’ve done: that’s creepy AF.
You have two problems here.
First, you were not approached by a professional. I don’t know who tf this woman is, but she doesn’t work for that company. People can post anything they want on LinkedIn. Modeling is a very competitive industry, and since you mentioned inclusivity, I’m guessing you mean plus size modeling. That sector is even more competitive than the rest of the industry.
Modeling is a professional industry. Nobody who cares about their professional reputation is going to approach a stranger and ask them to be photographed in their underwear. This is either a scam that will involve you overpaying for a “portfolio” that will never get you submitted for actual jobs, or it’s porn that will get you paid under the table, which will put a huge barrier between you and workplace protections.
The second issue is the husband. It could be one of two things. Maybe he is just jealous and controlling. He’s allowed to be uncomfortable with you doing that work, but he can’t stop you from doing it.
*Or* your husband recognized the scam, reacted explosively because he didn’t know how to handle the situation, and acted impulsively to try and protect you. His actions wouldn’t have been right, but they would be coming from a good place.
Your husband doesn’t have the right to ‘forbid’ you to do lingerie modelling, but by the same token he doesn’t have to stay with someone who unilaterally decides that she is going to be a lingerie model.
He’s made is blatantly obvious that this is a MASSIVE red line for him. You now have to decide what is most important to you. Personally I’d be pissed if my wife came home and *told* me she was now going to be a lingerie model without any discussion, maybe not to his extent to do what he did, but still pissed.
You have a right to be angry at how he went about it, but not at him being upset, as the way you went about it sucked.
This has to be fake but on the off chance it’s not… he’s mad properly because it’s very likely this is a scam (people can fake LinkedIns hun).
I wouldn’t feel comfortable with my wife doing this too. He’s entitled to voice his opinion. Personally, you’re entitled to also do what you want and deal with the consequences of that. He could decide it’s a dealbreaker and leave you over it.
No he can’t forbade you. I understand the rage you’re feeling there. But as a wife or partner you should respect yours to know the boundaries he’s comfortable with. Same with you. Personally I wouldn’t be comfortable with my partner doing underwear modeling if it was not a thing they did before we got together.
Wait so you said yes BEFORE discussing it with your husband? That sounds like a very sketchy relationship imo. That’s totally on YOU.
Second, no real modeling agency will approach YOU, this sounds like a scam, or some “portfolio” where you pay for the photos but never land a actual modeling gig.
If your husband saw this as a potential scam and he was talking to a brick wall i totally understand him taking control to protect your dumb ass.
On the other hand it’s your life, and you can do with your life what you want, but do consider actual real life consequences.
this seems like a scam lmao
I understand that at 40, you’re hugely flattered that “someone wants me to model for them!”
however, this is a scam. It’s usually just you paying for an overpriced “portfolio” and then they disappear. Sometimes, it’s human trafficking.
Your husband is also way too controlling about this. Maybe he realized it was a scam, or he thinks you’re his property. This requires a long conversation about WHY he reacted like that. It may require a professional (couple counsellor) to help you.
It’s true that you cannot be forbidden to do something – but your actions have consequences. And those consequences may be losing your relationship.
He’s your husband. When you got married y’all gave yourselves to each other. Why do people forget this? Your decisions are not just ur own anymore!
Do the job, take the money, leave.
I think many people might be uncomfortable with their partner modeling underwear. That’s quite understandable.
But. It’s a conversation. Not an ultimatum.
His reaction was *way* over the top, but I would have the same boundary here and wouldn’t be comfortable staying married to someone who wanted to do underwear modeling and accepted the job without even talking to me first.
Also, this sounds like a scam. Please be careful.