We have been together 5 years, ups and downs but overall a delightful relationship.
I told her from the beginning of our relationship I am not interested in kids. Our nephews are great, I don’t hate kids just not interested in any of my own.
As our relationship progressed, she said it was a dealbreaker, I told her I love her (true), and would support her having one (true), despite still not having interest in one.
It seemed to me the majority of women at some point will want to have kids (unless you meet someone who already has them) – so I did not think there was ever any realistic way around this.
I did not show negativity when she told me but I did not express joy, or hug her or show any positivity, she was really saddened by this, which was upsetting to me. I don’t know what to do from here. It would have been disingenuous to lie and fake joy – this seems like a no win situation. Do I express fake joy at the subsequent milestones ? I am advised I will be a ‘changed person’ when the kid is born, I have heard that enough times to guess it may be true, but I can’t change how I feel now.
P.S. I do plan to be fully supportive we are in a great loving supportive relationship, i will be involved in all things, and not be anti her, or anti the kid in any way or any negativity around this.
TL;DR! My partner was upset I did not express joy at her positive pregnancy test. I have made clear from the beginning I do not want kids, but agreed to do it and be supportive of it. How do I handle subsequent pregnancy milestone events.
29 comments
You talk to a therapist immediately, because you two have been deeply irresponsible, and there is an incoming child who needs to not be too hurt by your mistakes. There are plenty of childfree women, and you two should have broken up when you realized your incompatibility. It was unethical for you to agree to have a child you did not want, and unethical for her to accept. Now there is a baby on the way with a parent who doesn’t want it, and that tends to make for a hellish childhood. So, therapy, so you can learn how best to mitigate the damage to your child. You can’t make yourself want a child,but a therapist may help you navigate how to make that cause as little harm as is possible to the child.
**TLDR You two have done a terrible, stupid, damaging, inhuman thing. Divorce and let her have the kid. Stay away from the kid, because it will know you don’t want it.**
>I told her from the beginning of our relationship I am not interested in kids.
OK. So why the hell did she date you?
>she said it was a dealbreaker
so why did you not break up? why did she not break up?
>would support her having one (true), despite still not having interest in one.
Madness. What the heck were you both thinking???
>It seemed to me the majority of women at some point will want to have kids (unless you meet someone who already has them) – so I did not think there was ever any realistic way around this.
What gave you that idea? There are MILLIONS of women who don’t want kids. I married one. And from your wife’s point of view, there are millions of men who do want kids, so why did she marry you?
>I did not show negativity when she told me but I did not express joy, or hug her or show any positivity, she was really saddened by this
I have no sympathy for her. What did she EXPECT?
>I don’t know what to do from here.
I guess continue to be honest and continue to break her heart. You told her you didn’t want this, and she went ahead.
>I am advised I will be a ‘changed person’ when the kid is born
Sure. You could be happier, or you could become utterly miserable.
This is a huge enormous fuck-up. You both did something unspeakably stupid. I strongly suggest you divorce and let her have 100% custody, because that kid will KNOW you didn’t want it and that will damage it psychologically. You two have done a terrible thing.
Honestly you two should consider abortion or adoption.
You can’t be one foot in one foot out like this. You need to either commit fully to the kid and be excited for this blessing or leave.
Do you two live together and do you plan to take an active role in caring for your child once your child is born?
When you have the kid you will learn you need to fake a LOT of things in life. If we all acted how we truly felt, our kids would grow up feeling very unloved. Bc sometimes we’re annoyed, exhausted, disinterested, burdened, tired etc, but we have to be the bigger person and pull it together for the kid. So yes, you can give your partner the warmth, positivity and reassurance she needs right now. You put on your big boy pants and hug her and tell her you’re happy
OTHERWISE WHY WHY WHY did you agree to this, only to punish her and the baby for existing
This was a terrible idea. You should never have agreed to have a child with her just to make her happy. It should have broken the deal. Children add a lot of stress to a relationship. Such short sightedness. I feel very sad for the unborn child in the middle of this selfish decision.
Why didn’t you get a vasectomy before impregnating someone since you clearly did not want to become a parent?
Good grief read the room buddy. You don’t have to be excited about a child to be joyful in seeing your partner happy.
You messed up by agreeing to be supportive but then you… didn’t even try to be supportive.
So yes, at future milestones like finding out the gender and planning the nursery: fake it til you make it and actually **be** supportive.
huh-If you love her and she was joyous why would you not at a minimum be happy for her?
its not like it was a surprise to you-you knew this was going to happen-in fact-wait for it-you AGRRED to it and said you would be supportive.
Instead you pissed all over her happiness. That sucks
It was a bad idea to agree to this, but you did, so now you have to be on board. Completely on board. You didn’t have to fake overboard glee but yeah, you needed for scrape up *some* sort of positive reaction here, if only because of how happy *she* likely was . You fucked this up and owe your partner an apology.
From her side, if you actually said to her “I still have no interest in having a child but okay, we can do it for you” then she maybe should have expected this. If she’s harboring hopes that you were going to become a changed person because of her pregnancy, that was a bit foolish of her. But I don’t think it was too much for her to hope that you would summon up a scrap of supportive response for her.
A lot of parenting is finding some way to be enthusiastic about things you are bored silly by or actively dislike. Start practicing that ASAP now that you’ve committed to this.
I would echo the people below suggesting that therapy would be a good idea, ASAP. “Hey, I’m pregnant” is maybe the easiest thing you two will need to navigate together as coparent and you both flunked it, badly. You need some support to figure out how to move forward together in a healthy way that will be good for your child, and minimizes making them a victim of your bad choices.
For someone so against having children, it boggles my mind that you did nothing to prevent a pregnancy. Why didn’t you get a vasectomy?
Dude….you fucked up. You should have had the decency to break up with her when she expressed the want for a baby. With you.
You didn’t want a kid but…well, now you’re fucked.
A lot of people are giving you a hard time about agreeing to have a child when you didn’t want one, but all of that aside, I’ll focus on your main concern:
>I did not show negativity when she told me but I did not express joy, or hug her or show any positivity, she was really saddened by this, which was upsetting to me.
What do you do if a loved one reaches an important milestone, or achieves something that’s important to them, and they tell you the news? Are you happy or excited for them? Can you empathize? Do you smile and hug them, or do you just ignore them because it has nothing to do with you? Does it all have to be about you?
Now imagine you helped them get there. They want to share their happiness with you, even if they know you’re not invested in the result. What is the right way to interact with that person and help them celebrate? Stoicism is probably not the best move.
You talk any being supportive, but I am not convinced that you understand the difference between encouraging your partner to start a new hobby and becoming a parent. The child will know it if you don’t love him/her. There is still time to change your mind.
Yikes. I’ve never heard of someone so thoroughly fucking up so many lives with one selfish action. Congrats
If this or anything else was important to you, wouldnt you want someone to be supportive and joyed by your successes?
I understand you didnt want the child, but you did not necessarily say that you wouldnt support her if she had one so you had to expect it. You’ve had plenty of time to mentally prep, but youre still not there yet. Now is your wake up call. The child will need you to he happy and supportive about its arrival. You no longer have the opportunity to change your mind or be “on the fence” or not interested at all. Children require two loving and enthusiastic parents. Get in the mindset. You are no longer king in your household. The new king is our future generations.
It was a mistake agreeing to something you didn’t actually want. Children deserve to be brought into a world where they are actually wanted. She fucked up too by pressing the matter.
I recommend you both do couple’s therapy. And you should get a vasectomy if you don’t want children. You are responsible for ensuring you don’t have more kids.
IMO, ppl are being irrationally rotten to you. You BOTH made a arguably poor choice TOGETHER. You’re BOTH responsible for that.
I have female friends who cried when they learned they were accidentally pregnant during long term marriages. It’s stressful if you aren’t psyched, but that doesn’t mean you won’t love and care for your child. You can do this. Sending you supportive vibes.
Dude. You are almost half a century old. Certainly old enough to figure out how you’re supposed to respond when your fiancé tells you she’s pregnant with a planned baby.
Apologize. Explain that you’re sorry that you didn’t come off as excited and that you instantly felt very nervous and got wrapped up in that emotion. Then surprise her with a day out: book her a massage, take her out to lunch, and go shopping for some baby items.
Go home, go to sleep, and have appropriate reactions from here on out because you already decided to have this kid and it’s not her fault you didn’t think you’d find someone else who wanted to be child free.
You had unprotected sex to have a child, this is now sudden news. You need to get with the program, fast.
OP , I’d like to offer another perspective.
Even though this isn’t a milestone for you, it is for her. As partners, we should want to support our partners through the various achievements and failures that are meaningful and important to them throughout their lives. As you said, you told her you’d support her through raising a child. This moment is part of that support.
I’m not saying that you don’t support your partner. I’m simply just offering another lens that you could look at this situation through.
Bruh. You are almost *fifty years old* and you somehow a: believe women who don’t want kids don’t exist, and b: that it’s somehow possible for you to maintain a relationship and parent when you *have no interest in children*?
I pray this isn’t real, because that’s the nuttiest crap I’ve ever heard.
Do you seriously think it’s acceptable to raise a child while showing disinterest in their existence? Like for real, you had to *ask strangers on the internet* if you should be faking joy at milestones? Luckily for you, I doubt you’ll have a wife and child around to fake for– if you aren’t magically changed by the birth, she’s liable to leave.
Bro you said you would be supportive and happy for her and then when it happened you were not supportive or happy for her. It’s literally just called you didn’t follow through with what you said you would do. There are plenty of women who don’t want kids, especially since you’re older and unless you’re a lil freak who wants to date women in their 20’s, many single women around you will already have children from previous relationships. Your kid is going to know you didn’t want them, especially if you keep acting like this. Honestly bro make the decision to be all in now (like you literally said you would) or step out. You don’t get to just be a sperm donor and continue to be in a relationship with this kid’s mom. Being a dad is not just agreeing to nut in your wife and then be some weird emotionally distant roommate to this kid. If that is what you wanted when you agreed to support her you should leave, find a woman who doesn’t want kids, and let her find a stepdad for her child who actually wants to put in effort. Or be single and at least the child will know their parent wanted them.
If you did not want to have kids, get a vasectomy
Interesting you feel the majority of all women want kids. As a woman who doesn’t want kids, I feel the majority of all men want them. Funny how that works.
You don’t have to express joy, but a hug would have been nice. Maybe a “I’m glad your dream is coming true” with the hug. That is not showing joy at the occasion, but is actually supportive.
I would hug her and tell her that you aren’t upset, and let her know you will be there for her. She probably also feels guilty or sad that her dream is coming true at the expense of yours.
How do you support your partner in having a baby despite no interest in having one..? You would both be having the baby – not just your partner. This isn’t some knitting class that your partner is taking and you’re not. You can’t just occasionally support her by taking her to JoAnn fabrics to get yarn. A baby is hard work and both parents need to be on board, both feet in.
Your response to your partner’s news is obviously upsetting to her because you made her a promise you couldn’t keep. How are you being supportive by showing no emotion to such life changing news for the both of you? So many things wrong with your post the only thing I can do is wish your kid the best of luck.