My SO and I have been married for 10+ years. She is a stay at home mom. I work from home and try to be involved as much as I can.
My daily routine:
7am -8am I get our 1yo daughter up, dressed, fed
8:30am-5pm work
5pm-7:30pm dinner, bath, bed
Over Christmas break I thought things were going well and I was watching our daughter to try and give my SO some time to herself. Today we had a huge fight because we both want to have some kind time off over the holiday to do our own stuff like spend a few hours on a hobby.
Now the holiday is coming to a close and neither of us feels like we have really had much time to ourselves. I realize this is part of parenting but I believe we both need to find a way to recharge.
Today during a fight she said my needs are being met with work and hers aren’t being met at all by watching our daughter and that her needs are more important than mine.
I said “that doesn’t sound right, we need to find a balance so we can both feel like our needs are being met.” And just because I have work doesn’t mean I don’t need a break too. I said that there is no way for everything to be perfectly equal, if she is saying that me having a job means my needs don’t matter, then I would just be perpetually in debt to her, she just shrugged.
She pushed and said “no, my needs are more important than yours.”
I said “I don’t accept that, and if you really feel that way I don’t see how we can be together”
As you might expect things are worse.
Am I looking at this the wrong way? I thought both our needs were important and valid. And by “needs” I’m saying like spend a couple hours in the garage doing some woodworking or something.
I’m really at a loss here. I don’t know how to give anymore than I already am. Help..
TLDR: newish parents fighting over personal time and validating each others needs.
19 comments
Marriage counseling
I think this is a matter that needs to be worked out in couple’s counseling.
Does she still want to be a SAHM? When you’re home does she still get to go out and work on her hobbies like you tried to do over the break? When is the last time she went out of the house and did something just for herself without your or your child? It sounds to me like she either resents you for being able to lock yourself in a room away from them for the day, and/or she doesn’t respect that while you’re locked in your office or wherever you do your work, that you’re actually *working* and not just relaxing in there.
It does sound like you do help out a good amount with your child but is there anything you can do to help with the mental load on your wife?
It might be worth looking into getting a babysitter for one day every couple of weeks so your wife can go out and get a break. Either that or discuss her going back to work and you getting childcare.
Both needs are equally important and it’s maybe time to speak to a marriage counsellor. Both of you are entitled to have some time to yourselves and also together without the kids.
So… you go to bed at 7:30pm?
That is an age old issue with children that are small. Good luck, I hear a lot of entitlement going on. You agreed to have a kid so take your time when you can get it, be kind to each other, and let most of this junk go. The kid will get older.
BOTH needs need to be met, find a happy solution for the BOTH of you ,if that doesn’t work get MC, and if that doesn’t work then you two are better off single.
It sounds like she may be unhappy as a SAHM
Ok first off you don’t work every second of your 830-5 job, correct? You get breaks, yes? The ability to step away from the computer, read the news, check your phone, text while doing zero work. Your wife doesn’t get that. The closest she gets is when your kid naps, but if she’s supposed to clean or cook during that time it’s not a break, correct? And while she likely checks her phone during the day she still has to keep an eye on her job (the 1 year old) because it won’t stay still until she’s done. So you need to realize that your wife is getting no breaks during that time if you’re not using your breaks to give her one.
Also, do not underestimate the power of being able to have an adult conversation throughout the day. Is it the same as hanging with your friends? No, but it’s still adult human interaction and every job I’ve had there’s at least some non work banter going in almost every meeting. Your wife gets none of that – she’s trying to figure out what someone who can’t fully talks wants all day – she doesn’t get full complete sentences until she interacts with you.
So yes you are getting two vital things at work that she’s not getting with your child – real conversation and actual breaks. The only way she can get it is when you take over for the kid 100% for a block of time or you guys pay for a babysitter.
Now, I’m not here saying you need to tough it out, but you need to realize and accept there’s a fundamental difference between what you get at your job vs what she gets at hers.
Are you giving her the equivalent of several hours alone in the garage and she’s not reciprocating? When did she last have several hours to herself that wasn’t sleep or running errands?
Firstly your needs are both equally as important. And you are right that they needed to be discussed and a balance and compromise made.
You probably need to look at how to do more around the home, even if you don’t think you do, or arranging for some help so your wife gets some more time to herself on top of the counselling and yoga. But you also need to have some time for yourself.
If she doesn’t want to discuss and come to a compromise, then tell her to get a job that pays what yours does, and that you will swap places, but you will be expecting her to put your wants as more important just as she does now.
You need a couples counselor, because I heavily feel like both of you yell out things in the heat of an argument that neither of you mean. This calls for a mediator who can help you communicate your feelings better (and before the boiling point that sparks an argument) in the long run.
Edit: I see that you tried that already, but you need to find someone you both feel comfortable with. Someone you both feel heard by. Even if you have to go through 20 different counselors to find the one, it’s gonna be worth it if you’re both willing to put in the work.
Honestly, I think you both need a reality check about expectations while raising young children.
Short of hiring a nanny, neither of you are going to get anywhere near as much as you need, of anything, for a certain number of years. The maths simply doesn’t work. You’re both going to spend those years running on empty and you’re both going to feel shortchanged, in general and in comparison to one another, and unless you’re both saints, you’re both going to express that in your own head, and possibly overtly, in unfair and ungenerous terms. Marriages IMO survive this period by simply toughing it out, recognising that a lot of thoughts and words are simply products of exhaustion, and not taking any of it too personally. They may be what people really think/feel in that overstretched moment, but they’re not necessarily what they really *really* think, the chosen values that really guide their life.
Reddit has a lot of young people and that’s why advice tends towards absolutes, black and white, leave in the face of unacceptable statements and behaviour. That’s quite appropriate. You shouldn’t embark on gargantuan feats like cramming intensive toddler care, relationship care, self care, house care, jobs, and sleep all into the same 24 hours with people who can’t even behave decently when it’s just the two of you. But when you do agree as a partnership to embark on such gargantuan feats, you’re kind of implicitly accepting that it *is* a stretch and should give each other some extra leeway and forgiveness for the relationship damage that goes with it. It’s temporary damage, if you’re both willing to view it as temporary damage, then draw a line under it and do the work to rebuild later.
If your are a marriage of equals then both your needs are equally important.
You work and take care of the children before and after work. Hence, you’re working around the clock. Maybe have her take over morning duty with the children while you hit the gym.she’s just going to have to get up a bit earlier.
You’re not wrong. Everyone should get their “me time”. No one is more important. I would suggest marriage counseling.
Sounds like your little one needs to have some family time 1 day a week with family outside of mom/dad.
Then you can decide to do something together or apart. .
If no family bring in a trusted sitter.
Info: Are you the guy with the pregnant wife, changing the details a bit?
Tell her to get a job. That way her needs are being met and she’s contributing financially.
Sounds like a great solution.
My firstborn is 2. I am almost 6 months pregnant with our 2nd child. My boyfriend and I try to give one another at least 1 hr of alone time EVERY night.
It is definitely doable and if she can’t try to help manage this, she needs divorce papers for the new year. The custody arrangement will ensure you both get enough free time… 🤷
I am wondering if both of you are even talking about the same thing. You talk about “needs” being met, but I think that you assume that your understanding of the word is the same as hers and I don’t think that’s right.
You seem to understand “needs” right now as “spending some alone time” or “time to recharge”.
But there is *no way* that she is meaning the same thing if she thinks that your needs are being met by *work* while hers aren’t being met by staying with the child.
So I wonder if you two are not completely miscommunicating. You both call something “needs”, but I think that, reading her statement, she might talk about something completely different than you are.
What her “needs” might be – as in, something she considers met by work, but not by watching the child – could be stuff like:
– Getting mentally challenged by tasks
– Conversations throughout the day with adults
– Just generally going outside
– Feeling productive, like she is contributing something important to society
“Being without the child” could absolutely be part of it, but I think that she might be talking about something completely different from “alone time” – quite the opposite, actually.
That doesn’t mean that anything she said is true – both of your needs are equally important, no matter *what* those needs are. This is also important for your child, as unhappy parents aren’t the best parents and the older a child gets, the more they notice these things. But yes, the beginnings are incredibly tough.
The only other thing I noticed were, OP, that you said that you take the child so that your wife can go to therapy and Yoga. Therapy isn’t really “relax time” – if anything, it’s the opposite. Yes, it’s doing something “for her own mental health”, but counselling is tough work. Also it makes me wonder why she goes to therapy – if she is depressed, then being a SAHM and being way too homebound might make that a lot worse.