(46M) (33F) Partner/boyfriend unwilling to commit after 8 years and has trapped me in a very unsafe financial situation

TL;DR!: Advice on partner unwilling to commit to household and family and who has placed me in a dire financial situation

I (33F) and my partner (46F) have been together for 7 years. Boyfriend and girlfriend for 5 years and living together for 4 years. We have a 2y5m baby boy who is the love of our lives. He was not planned.

I had some health issues and my pill failed due to the medication I was on. I had a very difficult and complicated pregnancy, especially with the first covid wave and several physical and mental issues. I’m a freelancer and have a small business in my field.

When I got pregnant, I had just gotten a full scholarship to pursue a Master’s Degree and had 7 people working with me in my company.

My partner has a very high salary at a big big company, with a lot of benefits. Even so, my income was higher than his on good months and I had a healthy financial life.

When we found out I was pregnant I had a good health insurance, but his was better. He suggested signing a “stable union” (sort of a common law marriage) to put me in his insurance. I didn’t think it was necessary, as I already had a good insurance. It was also not something I wanted to do “just because”. I would rather get married. He knew that and was adamantly against it, as he has been married twice (no kids – our son is his first and only kid). I accepted this, despite feeling hurt.

Excepting the crib and a few home renovations to get ready for the baby, I bought every thing else. You name it: clothes, diapers, tub, car seat, bouncy chair, gadgets, car seat, bottles, etc. I also paid all my OB fees, no contribution from him. All OB fees, despite my health insurance, totaled over 20k. I also had a doula and lactant consultant (+5k).

After pregnancy and baby, my career has been really struggling. I went back to work 6 weeks after giving birth.

Every single thing the baby needed was on me, as I was the only one keeping track of things: diapers, clothes, formula, everything. On top of that, I paid for everything else. Nanny, helpers, house maintenance, groceries, etc. He pays the rent and car fees.

All the mental load falls into my shoulder. He won’t even change a light bulb.

On top of that, I had severe postpartum depression and anxiety, to this date I’m still struggling with my mental health (under psychological and psychiatrical treatment).

When our baby was three months old, my finances had already started suffering with the much higher expenses. I talked to him, explained that I needed to make some cuts and that not having to pay 800 monthly towards heath insurance would help.

We decided to start the process to sign a stable union with partial communion of property. We were also looking to buy an apartment together.

During this time, we had a fight because I wanted to actually get married. Nothing big, just for the two of us. I explained how it hurt not having this connection to him, especially as the mother of his only son. I also explained that not being married felt like our commitment was somehow temporary, when I wanted to commit to our family in the long haul. We have a kid after all. And I love him, love our family and wanted this to be forever.

He got angry. Said it was non-negotiable, that the stable union was merely a formality for insurance purposes. Nothing else. He also decided that, to make things easier if we separated, we should have full separation of property in the document and that the mortgage would be only in his name.

I didn’t have the wits and mental strength to fight this at the time. I was exhausted, had a brand new baby and felt deeply hurt. So we did as he said.
Fast forward to when our baby was nearly two, my finances and company were in a dire situation.

My work had been deeply compromised by motherhood and running a household, I had to ask for three extensions to finish my MSc (which is still undergoing).

This year I had more red months than I can count and continued contributing to 60% of the house expenses, when not more.

I sat him down and explained what was going on, and if he could take over some of the expenses. Around 10% more. We also agreed to have a credit card only for our son’s stuff (clothes, diapers, etc). In the first month using the card, each and every expense was questioned and he clearly was pissed about the situation. So I decided to have a certain amount I feel comfortable paying on that card and I cover the remaining costs.

Now, 6 months later, the situation reached a limit. If I have another red month in the company, I’ll have to file for bankruptcy. I also have lost my scholarship and now have to pay 4k per month to finish my degree.

I again sat him down and explained the situation. Said we would have to make some cuts and that he would need to contribute more if he wanted things to stay up to his very high standard and expensive tastes and perks.

At first he seemed understanding, but decided that the best solution would be to cut everything that I currently pay and that makes it possible for me to (barely manage) work.

Our son we’ll no longer go to school and I won’t have any more help around the house. The thing was, I was okay with that, as long as we had a plan.

We both work from home, with a toddler, it’s a whole different picture. Who will cover all these bases? Take care of the house, cook, wash clothes, help the nanny, etc? His answer: if things stay where they belong this is not an issue. No plan, no “you’ll do this and I’ll do that”. To me it sounded like I will have to bear the brunt of the work.

During Christmas week, after all of this, I was seriously considering separation. But I realized how dire my situation is.

He has a high paying job, very stable, a house in his name. I have nothing. I’m on the verge of closing my company or going into debt, on top of my serious mental issues.

What judge will look at this and grant me even partial custody of my son? I may have thousands of people vouching for me, stating how good of a mother I am, but I know how the system works.

I’m terrified about this. He believes in corporal punishment, for example. And hasn’t hit our son because he knows I’ll never forgive him.

I have talked to him this week about this and he said that it’s my fault, that I poorly manage my time. That if I have to “micromanage” the nanny than why have a nanny.

Since our son was born he never offered me to become a SAHM. And I would love to. At least until he is 4, 5. But I don’t have a supporting partner for this. On the contrary, if I drop my career and depend full-on on him, what will happen if he wants to separate? I’ll be left with nothing I have helped build.

He will for sure question and make me justify every single purchase. He will become even more demanding on his standards. I would be treated as his employee not his life-long partner building a life together.

He has already said that mental load is BS, the true mental load is paying the bills. He is a great father and good partner, but struggles to be empathetic.

However, I still have hope. Hope to save my relationship and family. Hope I can somehow turn things around.

Is this fixable? Is this relationship salvageable? How can I turn things around?