Sooooo we’ve had a strange Christmas…
Bit of boring background… I am 35f, I have a sister 2 years younger than me (who died unexpectedly 6 years ago). We both have the same dad who my mum split from when I was 4. My mum (now 53) married my step-dad, Tim (57), when I was 10. We didn’t see our bio dad as he chose to cut contact rather than pay child support so Tim has been around most of my life and I do see him as my dad. We didn’t get on well when I was younger as he has a short temper and was the reason I moved out when I was 19 but we have gotten on well since and now have a good relationship.
My mum has 2 children with Tim. Andy (23) and Carl (21). Andy now lives with his fiancée Sara (22) and their 2 children, ages 3 and 2, but they lived with my mum and dad for a few years up until around 18 months ago. Carl still lives at home with mum and dad. I live with my husband.
On to the actual story.
I got a call from my mum on Christmas Eve in tears. Sara had told her that Tim had gotten drunk the night before, groped her bum and tried to kiss her. Sara’s dad died when she was younger and she’d given Tim a hug on her way to bed and thanked him for being a dad to her and while they were hugging he squeezed her bum. She pulled away from him and he apologised and said he was out of order. She said he was going to bed and he said he wanted to talk to her about it and apologise more and he sat down, pulled her on to his knee and wouldn’t let her get back up. He then asked if he could kiss her to which she said no and pushed him away. He proceeded to tell her this had been bubbling away for a while and he thought she felt the same. She said she didn’t and he told her not to tell anyone as it would “ruin two families”. She went upstairs and told my brother who obviously was irate but she told him to leave it for now. She didn’t know whether to tell my mum straight away or leave it until after Christmas as to not ruin it but decided to tell her the next morning when my dad had left the house.
Unsurprisingly, my mum told him to get his stuff and leave. He did initially then came back a couple of days later to get some things but is at his mum’s until new year. He denies knowledge of anything except the bum squeeze.
Having spoken to my mum again today, she sincerely believes that it was just the drink that made him act like that and that him stopping drinking would solve the problem (if he can, as he does drink quite heavily nowadays). She also says he’s so angry all the time (never physically violent) but he speaks to her like sh*t and she said he needs to get help for that too. She is struggling with the thought of throwing away 25 years of marriage and the future and plans they had made, which I do understand… She said she wants to give him another chance.
Mum, Tim, my husband and I are meant to be going on holiday together next year. I was only going for my mum’s sake as she really wanted for us to all go away together but I was dreading spending so much time with Tim. (As an example as to what he is like, we were on our way to a comedy show a few weeks ago and someone accidentally stood on the back of his shoe and he went OFF shouting and screaming at the man who could only apologise.) I told my mum I wouldn’t want to go on holiday with him and she was pretty much begging me to still go. She really doesn’t want this to affect our relationship. She’s been through so much already with losing my sister and I don’t want her to feel like she’s lost me as well or that I’m making her choose between me and Tim.
I just really can’t stand the thought of being near him again. I know he didn’t cheat but would it have gone further if she had said yes? When I think of how he was with Sara it makes me feel physically sick. How long has been looking at her like that for? She was practically his daughter. The fact that he could do this to his wife and his son. I just don’t think I can forgive him. And I know it’s not up to me and really not any of my business, it’s just my mum and I have always been really close and I want to support her but I can’t see me being able to play happy families with him again. I just see him as a dirty old man now.
It’s very fresh and I am sure it will get better with time and I’ll be less angry and disgusted but I am positive I won’t be able to forgive and forget. How is poor Sara going to face him again? And Andy? They’re usually at my mum and dad’s weekly with the kids. Carl is still very angry and hasn’t spoken to his dad but doesn’t have much choice but to get on with things since he lives with them. My mum is terrified of their relationship with their dad being ruined but it’s his own doing if that ends up being the case.
I am currently being made to feel really guilty by my mum and nana for saying I won’t be near him. Sara says she won’t be able to go to family gatherings and I said she won’t have to, she can come to my house instead. Am I being unreasonable? I’m really starting to question if I am overreacting to the whole situation?
TL;DR my 57 year old step dad tried to kiss my 22 year old sister in law and I don’t know how I’ll ever forgive him.
14 comments
I don’t know why you would
You are not being unreasonable, and framing this as trying to cheat is minimizing what happened – he sexually assaulted your sister-in-law. He twice physically forced sexual attention onto her. It’s one thing to try to cheat, which is obviously still wrong, but it’s another to sexually assault somebody while cheating on somebody else. I think your mother is underreacting, because it’s too big and horrible a thing to take in, so she wants to find a way to excuse it.
He’s been looking at her like that all along. He’s been looking at all women like that all along, in fact. You’re not being unreasonable. I would not tolerate that man at all.
Why? Dude is a drunk, angry sex pest. Maybe if he shows remorse, makes reparations, and moves to improve himself things can change over time but molesting your daughter-in-law is pretty hard to move past
> She really doesn’t want this to affect our relationship.
Not relevant. It has already affected the relationship, at least to the degree of it being impossible for you & Tim, to go off on a vacation as earlier planned.
Give it a year’s break from interactions, maybe he’ll improve (and maybe not).
I dont have advice for you on how to forgive him. To me, this is pretty unforgivable. Maybe a couple years down the line if you’re the type of person to not hold a grudge, like me. But even with no being a grudge person I can’t begin to imagine looking a parent in the face who had done something like this
I don’t think you have to forgive him. Not right now anyway.
You should judge him based on how things pan out. How does he handle the fall out? Does he leave with his tail between his legs or does he kick up a stink and try to place the blame on others?
If he is a toxic person when it comes to resolving this, you shouldn’t forgive him at all.
If he owns what he did, regardless of whether your moms marriage survives this or not, maybe one day you can forgive him.
Don’t go and try to talk some more sense into your mom about Mr. Creepy pants. Gross. That shit only kinda works in porn and is nasty to think about in real life. 🤢
You might consider finding a support group for children of alcoholics, like AlAnon, even if you don’t want to go to meetings or group sessions they might have some good resources or advice.
Do NOT forgive him. This is not a one time deal. He’s been wanting to do this all along. He’s a predator hiding in plain sight.
You should get into AlAnon asap. They’ve got online meetings. It would help. Drag your mom online with you. She needs the support to hold to some boundaries.
I would tell your mom that you would need to see a real commitment to change from Tim before you’re comfortable with him. That means he gets sober – AA – and learns to manage his anger – therapy. That you would support him doing this and it could help to keep the family talking with each other.
That’s assault already. I prolly couldn’t forgive, nor forget such things.
I’d support Sara and gradually completely cut out that pos. He is only using the drink as an excuse. A lot of men wouldn’t do such crap even they’re drunk. He only showed his true colour and then excused himself while claiming no memory of some of his action. Sara already can’t enjoy any family gatherings now. I’d be there for her and have fun with her. Also don’t ever want to be near such a jerk anyway. Good luck navigating this OP.
Sara is the victim here. Supporting her in whatever decisions she makes regarding the situation is not wrong. If that means cutting ties with Tim, so be it. Your mother also knows what he did and is defending him, saying it wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t been drinking. Does being drunk free him from responsibility? Drinking lowers inhibitions meaning he acted on his true feelings, without being constrained by common decency. Doesn’t your mother’s defense of him indicate she thinks what he did was acceptable? Wouldn’t you going along with her mean you support her defense of Tim?
I do not think you’re overreacting at all. If Tim is able to stop drinking and stay sober for X amount of time, then maybe you can let him back in.
(Consider this. You’re technically not his daughter so does he ever think about you that way?).
Best wishes! Please !UpdateMe about how it’s going.
No, you’re not over reacting
No, you don’t have to let it go and be in his presence. Good on you for supporting your SIL.
Yes he did cheat. He made the conscious choice of cheating on your mum with his son’s fiancé! He didn’t back off when she first rejected him and doubled down by putting her on his knee and refusing to let her go, trying to kiss her, telling her he had been wanting this for a while and then asking her to keep his secret. The only reason he didn’t get what he wanted was that your SIL regected his multiple times but that doesn’t mean he didn’t actually cheat.
He is a dirty old man who is not ONLY willing to cheat, but he’s willing to blow up his own SON’S life in the process.
I wouldn’t be anywhere near this person, no matter what your family wants.
Your mum trying to sweep everything under the rug is not sustainable. His behavior even before this was disgusting and he has no intention of changing it. So your mum is only delaying the inevitable.
She’s worried about throwing away 25 years of marriage, however her husband is the one that did that. How is she going to feel when she finally realises at 30 or whatever years that she’s wasted those extra years hoping against hope that he would change but he didn’t.