Background: we go to Disney every year for the past 7 years with our now 11yr old. The 2 vacations prior to last year I’ve had issues (turns out I was post menopausal). It caused fights and arguments.
Last year I was put in HMT prior to our vacation and was doing very well. During our vacation I felt like we connected in a way we hadn’t in years. We had sex almost every night, and it was good sex… I wasn’t faking or forcing orgasms I was just able to let it happen. We got home and I mentioned how great vacation was, how close I felt to him for the first time in years… how our sex was great because I actually felt like close to him.
Then he told me it was a horrible vacation. That the only reason we had sex was because he resigned himself before we left to the fact that he would have to have sex with me every night.. that he was the only reason the vacation went so well. That I demand a lot from people and that it I don’t get what I want I make everyone’s life hell. I have tried repeatedly to explain the issues I had during perimenopause… and now post menopausal…and I’m not dismissing my behavior because prior to hormones it was horrible… however this is post hormones.. and I thought things were great on our vacation and I trusted him, which of course made our sex life better.
But since he told me that he is the only reason we had a good vacation and that it wasn’t good for him, I’m back to faking or forcing orgasms.. and I certainly don’t want to vacation with him. We typically rent a house for the summer on the beach 2 hours from where we live, this year I faked COVID so I wouldn’t have to go and be near him, we had agreed earlier this year not to go to Disney, now he’s decided that Disney would be a good thing.., because our 11yr old isn’t getting younger…now I’m panicked at the idea of going on vacation with him .. especially to Disney. I don’t know how to tell him nicely and not he accusatory .. that I don’t ever want to go on vacation with him, especially not to Disney.
6 comments
Go to counseling. It sounds like you both need it.
Have you taken responsibility for your behavior? Have you apologized? Have you REALLY changed?
He sounds bitter. And from the sounds of it, for understandable reasons.
You stated that you trusted him…he doesn’t trust you emotionally.
The fix to your problem isn’t to brush this under the
rug and pretend everything is okay. That’s crazy and unsustainable.
I don’t want to go on vacation with you. Point blank period.
Okay this may be totally unrelated and I’m not sure where you live or what resources are available to you but you can get doulas for menopause.
Doulas are typically used during pregnancy/birth and post partum to help a mother. But there are now options for menopausal women. It’s such a pivotal, emotional and tumultuous time in our lives. I’m only 26, but i remember my mom when she turned 50 it was a switch with her.
My advice? Work on you. It’s not just a physical change but a mental one too. Find some support for yourself, other women who have experienced the changes that menopause brings, maybe the doula can help you understand your past behaviors and help you change your perspective. Or maybe it’ll just make you realize you shouldn’t have to apologize for your body and its NATURAL changes it’s going through. We have periods. We have children. But we rarely are ever taught about menopause and how deeply it changes us. Your husband needs to understand that. Marriage isn’t a blame game, it’s tackling things together and realizing your issues are his and vice versa. Was he at all a support for you during your perimenopause? Did he give any sort of advice or concern or anything and say hun you’ve been acting very out of tune is something going on? Did he encourage you to get a little checkup or something? Is there open communication where he feels he can express himself without being attacked? It’s a lot for a couple but it shouldn’t define a marriage. If my husband can support me through having children and all the insane hormone changes that brings not to mention the whole ass human we have to care for after, he should be able to accept the changes during menopause and at least be a support to me or understanding.