I am in my first relationship for 7 months. One time I heard my girlfriend talking with her male cousin who is her good friend about some big argument in their past but I didnt asked her about it. And lately she asked me if I would go with her to that cousin’s birthday party beacouse she don’t like his friends. When I asked about it she told that they are bad people and made her a lot of harm in the past but when I asked her what they did her she cried a little and didn’t want to tell me. I think that it can be related with this argument. Dont know why but she really want to go there and i cant understand it if she is crying just by thinking of them. Now I feel that she should tell me about hard things like this from her past but I don’t know if it is right or if I subconsciously want to control her. I have a lot of issues in social interactions and i am really hard overthinker. Sorry for my english
TL DR
Talking about our pasts
6 comments
She doesn’t want to share respect that. Simple as. She will if and when she’s ready
If she’s going to tell you, it needs to come from her. Don’t even so much as suggest that she tell you until she’s ready, just be there for her. Yeah, I get that we’re all insanely curious when something is being kept secret from us, but this isn’t “who dies in Endgame?” – this is extremely real, devastating trauma for her. You wouldn’t immediately ask a war vet how he lost a hand and half a face, after all
I’m going to go against the grain here and say that if she wants you present at a function as her emotional support she should give you SOME details about what happened. Because you could be putting yourself at risk. You’re doing her a big favor and she should return the favor.
Relationships are give and take.
If someone asked me to attend an event with them and there was bad blood/history that I could be in the middle of I should know SOME details about what I’m getting into. You don’t get to ask favors without giving something in return. And if the mere thought of attending this party brings her to tears that is something I wouldn’t just shrug off. That’s a big deal.
Don’t force her, it will omly make things words. If you want her to talk about this a simply “i’ll be here when you want to talk about it” does a lot, create a safe space for her, gove her emotional support. Pressuring her would only make her close herself to you.
And don’t do this expexting her to talk about it soon or at all, these things are not easy.
Don’t go if you’re not comfortable. Know what you’re walking into.
I think she wants to go as it’s family.
You need to sit her down and be a good partner tell her, you’ll never judge her (and don’t you should be the last person to ever judge her) give her a hug and tell her everything will be okay, then if she wants to open up she can. When or if she tells you and if it’s huge and she asks you not to tell anyone, not to hate her cousin etc you have to respect that and listen to her, sure it may be hard but she has put that trust in you and you need to respect her for that, it’s not easy speaking out. Over time she’ll do the right thing about the situation but that HAS to be her decision when SHE is ready.