Context: Went to a party, there was someone I really wanted to talk with I grew up with (27F) but there was this other woman (40F) that would always swoop in within 3mins. It was super weird because she was a lot older than us, didn’t understand social cues, would dominate Convo by needing to be the center of attention with weird personal stuff (ex. She was talking about her divorce, how her kids hate her,how her parents beat her, etc). The other girl is very polite so she just kinda smiled and nodded but we both kinda realized this lady needed an ear. She was clearing not okay mentally (her family knows) so we just kinda sat with her while she talked AT us. I understand at that moment, i should make it about me. It was weird,we were like her therapists lol,trying not to judge her, validate her feelings, etc. Idk it was a lot of emotional labor but when we would leave she WOULD FOLLOW US.
Anyway, my question is, I feel I should have done or said something. What could I do or say w/o being an asshole to someone clearly going through something in that kind of situation?
1 comment
There are many ways people firmly, but politely shut this down. Some people have signals or check-in times with the people they came with to artfully disengage. Some people agree to text or call each other in order to make an excuse.
It would have been ideal to simply say (perhaps after she cornered you the second time) “It’s been good seeing you, but my friend and I grew up together and have been waiting to reconnect for quite some time, so if you don’t mind, we’ll catch you later.” If she doesn’t leave at that point, simply excuse yourselves.
A party usually offers it’s own diversions. You can excuse yourself to eat or drink something, join in an on-going activity, step outside or pull someone away to introduce them to someone else.
This person may have latched on to you because you were being friendly and ended up holding you captive. Did she know anyone else at the party? Was she the only older person there? Was there anyone else you could have brought into the conversation to take the pressure off yourself?
You may have been feeding her need for an audience by smiling, nodding and playing therapist instead of shutting it down. Any expression of amazement, intrigue or shock may have been interpreted as encouragement to continue with the monologue.
Saying, “That sounds awful! It’s great that you are able to get out and enjoy yourself tonight. How do you know the host?” “Wow. I’m too young to have experienced divorce and the alienation of my children, and I’m not comfortable hearing this right now. Do you have a counselor to help you work this out?
If she is known for this type of behavior and has a history of mental health issues, it would be important not to make light of her troubles (no LOLs) and leave it up to professionals. Given your age gap, I’m guessing you could always outrun her. 👯♀️🎉🍾🎊