This all kicked off a year ago over Christmas dinner with the extended family, my partner ( F, 40 ) just happened to be seated next to her BIL ( 48 ) and just had a chat.
As time progressed, the whole table could see him hitting on her at full blast ( gazing in her eyes, deep voice etc ) which made all of us a bit uncomfortable, especially as I was sitting right next to her. But we played it off, besides, he’s family. He couldn’t cross any lines with his wife ( my partners older sister ) and her parents both present
But this didn’t stop. Infact it continued every time we had a family gathering. And yes, I know you’re probably thinking I’m being a bit insecure but I need to emphasise that in the past he barely ever spoke to my partner during family gatherings. This was so sudden, remained consistent and began to reveal that they had a lot in common, which made his wife somewhat uncomfortable.
On one occasion, his wife tried shooting this down but my partner ( remember, they are sisters ) ignored her and carried on. And that’s when I started to worry a little because there I was, witnessing his wife ( her sister!) sat in the middle of these two while they talked past her – as if she was just furniture.
And then this started to impact on our relationship, it seemed like I was watching her build a connection with another person in front of me in real time and it didn’t feel right, so I’d jump in to interfere but now she’d shut me down. Then we’d go home put the kids to bed and have massive arguments. And it was just different variations of this, like her body language towards him, how she’d chuckle at his jokes and just the feeling that I was being made a fool in front of everyone. Strangely enough, his wife didn’t seem to mind any more…it’s like a switch had flipped and she was okay with it all
Now for some context, the parents love the BIL… and when I say love, this dude is the reason they switched countries in their retirement to live next to their daughters. You might as well consider him number 1 and then the father in-law number 2 in terms of family pecking order, unfortunately he’s got Multiple Sclerosis which means he’s wheel chair bound and getting worse by the day, so there’s that combination of respect and sympathy which makes him bullet-proof because he can say anything …sexist, vulgar, even racist and get away with it. Meanwhile I’ve had a strained relationship with the family but things have started improving a lot lately
The reason I’m writing this is because, this BIL was at it with my partner again, with all of us at the dining table. And I don’t think my partner realized but as she was talking to him, she began stroking the stem of her wine glass in an up and down fashion, you could hear a pin drop. She suddenly realized and quickly changed topics but everyone including her dad, mom and sister had seen this and so had I…
She tried being affectionate with me after everyone left but I didn’t want to be near her, we havent said a word to each other, this was yesteday. Today she took the kids for a swim at the BIL’s pool (the sister invited our kids for a splash) and I get text a few hours later saying she’s thrown up, feeling a bit faint and the family was driving them back home to ours!
Anyway my partner is in tears, and as her dad leaves he asks me to take care of her. But it wasn’t what he said, it was the look in his eyes, as if he knew I might walk out….
Have never felt so powerless in my life and I fear this BIL, might have just fucked my family up – am I overthinking this?
TL DR: Brother in law not respecting the boundaries of my relationship, it’s causing problems but I seem to be the only one that see’s it this way.
4 comments
You have a wife problem, not a BIL problem. You and your wife need to work on your own marriage. Have you considered counseling? Something is very wrong, here.
Dude, this BIL sounds like a total creep. It’s totally not cool that he’s hitting on your partner right in front of you and the whole family. And it’s really messed up that your partner is just ignoring her sister’s discomfort and continuing to talk to him like that. It’s no wonder you’re feeling insecure and like you’re being made a fool.
It’s clear that this BIL is causing problems in your relationship and it’s not healthy for you to just sit back and watch it happen. You need to talk to your partner about how you feel and make it clear that this behavior is not okay. If she doesn’t listen or respect your feelings, then you may need to consider if this is a relationship you want to continue.
It’s also important to remember that you don’t have to put up with disrespect or boundary-crossing from anyone, especially family members. If this BIL continues to act inappropriately, it might be necessary to have a conversation with him or even set some boundaries to protect your relationship.
I understand that the family dynamic is complicated and that the BIL has some special circumstances, but that doesn’t excuse his behavior. It’s important to prioritize your own well-being and happiness in this situation. Don’t be afraid to speak up and stand up for yourself. Stay strong.
This is a BIL problem, yes. But this a is a BIG wife problem. Instead of putting full stop when you brought it up, she chose to argue, and keep going on. Then she tried to be affectionate with you, after she noticed she fucked up. Instead of apologizing and making it up to you if even possible, being remorseful, she’s being quiet.
For me this reeks of emotional cheating, and that your wife does not respect you, at all.
Someone from her family has .caught them at it and Dads had to bring het home. She is a disgusting person
to not only treat you with utter disrespect but her sister as well. She and BIL belong together. Divorce her, and fight for custody.