I just want to clarify I have absolutely no problem with anyone having any kind of sex they like as long as it’s all consensual. This is just my personal situation I had
Last night I had a threesome with my best friend and my fwb. I was bicurious but now I am sure I’m straight lol.
I don’t know why but I feel gross. And thinking about my bestie makes me feel gross. And thinking about the sex makes me feel gross. I didn’t really enjoy it and I’m not really attracted to my best friend.
I feel anxious and gross.
I’m trying to frame it to myself as it was ”just sex” and that it was good to try and to find out.
I trust her and my fwb, and I don’t think there are other people I’d trust more to experiment with.
It’s kind of hard to talk about this with her though. Because she’s a chronic over thinker and reads in between any lines.
I’d really appreciate some kind words to make me feel better and not view it with such a negative perspective, and be able to be friends with my bestie.
28 comments
What about it makes you feel “gross” specifically? Is it that you feel weird having crossed a previous boundary with a friend like that? Or something else?
I would be open and honest with them and tell them how it made you feel.
Sorry you’re feeling gross, I guess one way of looking at it is you’ve tried it and confirmed it’s not for you, now you don’t need to think about it again. Maybe speak to them all and say how you feel? A lot of negative emotions come from bottling it inside.
I also had a threesome with my fwb and best friend. Her and I started living together days after the threesome. We’re closer than ever. I had some anxiety because I don’t have a lot of self esteem but she understands that. We laugh about it now. I was really nervous starting because it wasn’t planned and I didn’t want to freak her out.
What about it bothers you the most?
i had a similar situation with my best friend and her BF, whereas i was your bff in the situation. my best friend got super anxious after we did a threesome situation and it was off the table completely. she had a lot of hesitation bringing it up with me again and we took a week or two before we actually talked about it bc it had made her so anxious. i feel absolutely horrible for making her feel uncomfortable and i never would’ve gone through with the threesome idea if i had known she wasn’t completely comfortable. i was just really excited about the idea and i thought we had a good time after the first night and wanted to do it again, but i had no idea that she didn’t feel the same until after she told me. you should definitely communicate to her (and male FWB) how you feel, cause they might have the wrong impression and would never want to make you uncomfortable ! <3
I did the same thing in my early 20’s with a good friend. Not a threesome, but experimentation.
That is also how I came to the conclusion that I am very very straight. I could kiss her and touch her breasts, but when it came time to touch her vagina, I was instantly turned off.
It took me a bit to quit feeling weird about trying to have gay sex with my friend. It was just an experiment that didn’t pan out. You should think of it that way. Now when I’m discussing with someone how I know I’m not gay/bi, I think about that one experience and how it helped me find the conclusion.
It is fine… You will get over it. You should also talk to your friend and be honest about it and clear the air. If your friend overthinks it, then your silence or distance is tell her something as well.
Same thing happened but I actually ended up realizing I liked it all but was stuck in my “traditional” roles in religion etc. now idgf. She’s still my bff 13 yrs later.
>I feel anxious and gross.
Mostly anxious. The disgust reaction is pretty predictable. If something is going to disgust in real life, it will disgust you a bit while you are planning it. This is a anxiety reaction.
>Because she’s a chronic over thinker and reads in between any lines.
I don’t she would have to be some hot-house flower to not take “sex with you was really disgusting” well.
> I’m trying to frame it to myself as it was ”just sex” and that it was good to try and to find out.
It _was_ just sex and it _was_ good to try to find out.
You are now experiencing feelings of guilt and distaste: nothing really to do with her and very little to do with the actual sex. Give it time and it will pass. In the meantime, of course, try not to take it out on your friends.
OK,, lets just understand you were curious you now know there is no interest and if you do have interest maybe your bestie wasn’t the best, but it wasn’t the worst. I have done threesomes and have enjoyed the sex, it is only sex!!! try and be positive that it was your BESTIE,, not a stranger. I’m sure she cares about you and yes it might be awkward for abit, but don’t bring it up,, because I’m sure she enjoyed it,,, yes… you have got to be able to read her feelings before saying hey can we talk about this…. good luck, some of my best sexy was in a threesome, just saying…
Hey, new experiences can sometimes be difficult to process. Sorry that you’re having such a hard time. I’ve come up with a few questions to help you think through this:
> I’m feeling anxious and gross
_What are you anxious about? What kind of thoughts are you having that are making you feel anxious?_
> … and be able to be friends with my bestie
_What’s preventing you from remaining friends with her? How does the threesome affect your friendship?_
You can answer here if you want to have a conversation, or you can just think about them and keep your answers to yourself.
Well at least you know.
Move on. 🙂
Put it another way, you were curious (a lot of people are) tried it and found out it wasn’t for you. Give it some time for your feelings to settle down and the ick factor to subside. Maybe talk with your friend and tell her while you appreciate being able to have the experience, it just isn’t for you and you want to leave it in the past.
i’ve never had this experience but I can definitely see how that would cause some anxiety in the friendship. I don’t know anything about your relationship with her but I’m betting if you’re safe enough friends to experiment together then you’re probably dedicated enough to the friendship to wait out the stormy waters. I imagine a few vulnerable conversations about the experience and what it means might help too. but its perfectly normal to be feeling like you need a bit of space to process the experience individually before you process it together with your friend.
Give it time, you’ll chalk it up to experimentation. It’s normal.
I think if you put some effort into reframing the situation and communicate about it with compassion and thoughtfulness, everything will be fine. If your friend brings it up, you can say something along the lines of “I was curious and I think you’re attractive, but the experience made me realize I’m not actually into women. I really appreciate you letting me have that experience with you but I don’t want to do it again.” You CAN find someone attractive without having a sexual attraction to act on, so she will hopefully feel reassured and not have her feelings hurt but you’re still being pretty honest and drawing a clear boundary.
When you do find yourself thinking about the situation, just shift your attention away to replaying it all and the negative feelings and think about what you like about your friend and why you’re friends. In a short bit, it will just be what it was, something you tried.
I am a little confused/curious, did you actually ever have any SEXUAL attraction to her or women in the first place? If not, I think perhaps this is a lesson to wait until you feel those feelings before getting sexual with someone.
I’m going to overshare here but whatever: When I came out as bisexual to my BFF (and we’re still friends and have been for 33 years) she was curious and wanted to know what it was like and wanted me to sleep with her. I had to tell her very gently that wasn’t going to happen because I literally thought of her like my sister and I loved her and would do anything for her but not that.
It sounds like you have similar feelings for your BFF so it seems like you’re having regret. You can choose two options, give her some space and get to that point where you’re both going to laugh about it or just point blank tell her you don’t think about her that way and it has nothing to do with not finding her attractive or not loving her, you just feel too close to her to do that ever again. Thank her for being cool, move on and try to forget about it. None of you did anything wrong or gross, it’s just not what you thought you wanted.
You ever order something at a restaurant and when you’ve started to eat it or even afterwards when it gives you an icky feeling? That’s what happened to you. Only this food has feelings and deserves aftercare. Be clear and concise but loving when you explain to either of them FWB or BFF that this wasn’t a good experience for you and that it had nothing to do with them personally, this just wasn’t the slice of pizza you thought you were getting.
Done and dusted… Threesome is not for you… Focus on what you like…
When experimenting sometimes we discover wonderful things, sometimes we get eeewed.
Just tell her it’s not your thing, and avoid telling her anything about feeling disgusted. You didn’t enjoy it, period.
This is the negative side of a culture that treats sex as a meaningless exchange.
I think it makes sense, you tried it and it feels weird because you are straight. I dont think you need to read further into it than that and hopefully your friend understands.
Hope it works out for you two.
You did something pretty intense and, as others have rightly pointed out, it will take you a few days to process. I have felt bad after sexual encounters, but I’ve learned to work through it and the exercise of figuring out where my feelings were genuinely coming from has helped me immensely in other parts of my life.
All this to say, please don’t mention your feelings to you friend until you’ve had time to truly figure them out yourself, you might be surprised how you feel then.
Maybe if you were bi curious would’ve been better to sleep with someone you weren’t attracted to because I can feel a bit gross if I’ve slept someone I’m not fully attracted to. But either way, you will be over it soon just say “great, that was good fun but I I don’t feel bisexual is the right sexual orientation that fits me, I hope we can still be friends as normal”
Hang in there. Your brain is spinning in overdrive thinking about this but it should settle out. Then, it will become obvious and natural to sit down and laugh about it with your BFF explaining that you went down that path but you don’t really want to do that again. Fun while it lasted but not again.
The reason I know this is because we had an experience with another couple recently and I realized that I was a lot more sensitive about my wife kissing another man than I was about just about anything else we did with them. Not fun when my brain is thinking all sorts of stupid shit trying to connect dots that don’t exist but after awhile, it settled out and we had a good laugh and conversation about it.
Since she’s an over thinker, I would be honest without a lot of details. You were bi-curious, you tried it, it wasn’t for you, you are no longer curious, you are 100% straight…
Be happy. You learned a little bit more about who you are! If she is really your bestie and not the flavor of the month( no pun intended) you guys will work it out . Now go out there and have fun!
I had a threesome with a friend and her husband. We’re all still friends but I learned I am definitely not bisexual and I wish it wouldn’t have happened. That was 5 months ago and I still regret it and feel ashamed. I’m very comfortable with my body and sexuality.
Such an event will change the relationship for ever, no matter how hard you both try to make it feel like it was nothing. It was something, it’s a big deal. What I would do personally to feel better is to cut ties for a short while and see how I’m doing without her in my life. It’s that not possible, slowly come back and discuss your options with her. In any case, in my opinion, taking some time off is the best option given your reaction to the whole thing. You sound really upset.