Background:
My (31F) SO (31M) and I are quite different. He’s a very confident Scorpio man and has so many friend circles that are all super cool DJs and producers and creatives, just the general It-crows of this city, all of them beautiful shiny people. They are also very loving of him.
My Gemini self on the other hand came to this city much later than him and due to work and my social anxiety, coming off as aloof etc don’t really have anyone I would consider very close, and the ones I made are definitely not that crowd.
Now I’m even working with some of these people as we started a NGO together, of which I am basically the head.
We had a really big New Years party last night, a club filled only with friends where only friends played music.
I’ve had some difficult social situations in these settings already, where I froze up the whole night or had too much to drink/smoke/substance to try and cope/cover up my crippling shyness and anxiety, which only made it worse and embarrassing.
I am deeply embarrassed about last night and I can’t stop thinking about it, I can’t let it go. A friend of mine caused a lengthy scene because she was really out of it and couldn’t find her stuff and I was trying to handle it and ignore my embarrassment in order to help her.
I can’t stop thinking about the stares, the judgement of the party professionals, my out-of-placeness.
I know that people have noticed my awkwardness and aloofness long ago and I haven’t really been able to connect with the people I actually really like for it.
I feel like these situations with these people are in a way really unhealthy because they bring out the worst of my social anxiety, I start losing myself and besides that being no fun it brings back a feeling that was very present in my childhood – that feeling of wanting to escape society, knowing I’ll die alone.
I’m sorry for this lengthy rant.
I wish I could simply not care, not think for weeks afterwards about these situations, cringing at myself. I truly want to connect, speak without nervousness that eats my words and makes me sound stupid..
Any advise or experiences to share please?
5 comments
Why do you care about their opinion of you?
Let me shift your focus.
All these “shiny” people, couldn’t give a fuck about a person having a tough night because they were too busy sucking on the cock of their own ego and could not be human enough to help someone else.
Fuck them.
Pat yourself on the back for being a human being.
Well, think about it this way – if you’re out and about on a crowd and someone does something weird or out of place- what do you do? – you may think to yourself that ‘oh, that was weird’ or maybe not even think about it after that. Even if you did think about it, you wouldn’t be fixated on that for long;you’d go about with your day. That’s how most people are, they see something, react, then mostly forget about it. They only remember things if either 1) you did something significantly watercooler moment like(i would say pooping your pants would fall in that category) 2)they are more obsessed about minute things, which is actually a bad judge of their character. So if people mention things what happened in the party later repeatedly (they may mention it once, but brush it off confidently-that makes people believe they’re in the wrong for gossiping) , it’s usually because they really don’t have much other to hold a conversation, and you could feel better for not being the same.
So at this point, the only person thinking about it is you, and I can safely assure that you can forget it, as others have.
Have an “overthinking buddy” – someone you could run your thoughts by and is fairly disassociated from the situation to provide a few other options. Ideally someone that goes to the party with you that you can run your thoughts by as soon as they happen.
It’s kind of like a wingman/wingwoman but for your mind.
Example:
You: Hey X I’m feeling really anxious and embarrassed. I can’t stop thinking about the stares, the judgements, my out-of-placeness.
X: Oh, I think they are just having fun with the whole scene and likely are amused by it or thinking their own thing. I doubt anyone’s focused on you. People like drama at parties 🙂 Definitely nothing with you, believe me.
Something like that might help 🙂
You need to experience with your alcohol tolerance level to find the sweet spot where you’re loose enough to enjoy the festivities without losing yourself completely and then just stick to that. Those people are experienced partiers, you don’t have to keep up with them.
The people you really want to get to know, invite them to something your speed and build from there. Maybe try a double date to ease in to getting to know some of them.