When growing up, I was often reminded by my parents “not to bother others” (not to initiate plans, or ask others for help). Pretty toxic upbringing in general.
This has made me develop the mindset that I should never approach people. It goes without saying, and the feeling of being a burden won’t go away whenever I need to approach somebody.
The most hurtful thing happened a few years ago, when a group of really nice coworkers, whom I was attempting to be a part of, admitted that “[my name] is arrogant, they never show their emotions or speak to others first”. It hurt very bad as I was already trying my then-best (which wasn’t enough, obviously).
The best analogy would be this – imagine that you have large amounts of excess weight due to a health issue which you’re constantly trying to fix, but nothing works, and then someone fat-shames you. But you’ve been trying for years!
I’ve left that workplace and work from home now, but this problem keeps repeating in other groups of people. When I see it’s time to start a small talk, my mind goes totally blank and I have zero thoughts in my brain, just anxiety.
Recently, I’ve faced this problem again, as my partner told me that I should approach their family members more, so that they don’t assume I’m arrogant. I know it wasn’t meant as an insult or anything, but now I’m very afraid to leave a bad impression on people whom I’ll most probably be very close to till the rest of my life. They’re very loving, and kind, and friendly, so I hope they will understand my struggle at some point.
I have to logically “calculate” what I should say. I usually end up overthinking and realising that others probably don’t think about my behaviour as much as I do. Then I tangle in my thoughts and dont know how to human anymore, lol.
This year, my resolution is to become more outgoing and friendly.
Any experience/advice?
1 comment
My upbringing was similar to yours in the way you explain not to bother others. When I see people in a conversation but need to speak with one of them I’ll stand idly at the side of them where they can see me and eventually include me so I can let them know what’s up. Some people can be assholes and never acknowledge me. That is when I interject myself and then it makes me look rude.
My ex’s family never accepted me. I would initiate conversations and they would fall flat after a few back and forths. They would initiate conversations to get answers from me and then stop once they got what they needed. In turn I never accepted them and they didn’t know why I was so distant and actually stayed away from them for almost two years.
Opening up is hard for me too because it’s so vulnerable. I also don’t have a personality that fits my body. I look manly and masculine but I’m gentle, perky, and my interests are more feminine leaning. I hate seeing the disconnect in people’s faces when I don’t meet their assumptions. Whether it’s good or bad, I hate seeing that confused look.
I get smooth brained too. I know I know things and have hobbies but all that goes out the window when I’m meeting with people. Talking about myself is not something I like to do. I like to be in the moment rather than boast about my personal achievements or aspirations.
I don’t have advice to give but maybe knowing there are people who can relate to you can give you some peace of mind that we are fighting alongside with you.