What i mean by this is not just romantically single, but completely without people in your life. I work with people, i have family (parents siblings etc) I see a couple times a year, but outside of that there is no-one. All those interactions are pleasant, nice, fun etc. From the outside, anyone looking at me would think I’m a totally normal person. Except, when i leave those groups, its just me. If i work from home for 3 weeks i wont see or speak to another person at all, zero friends at all. Not hyperbole, that is the actual number.
The reason I’m asking, is thay while I’d like to be in a relationship, I’m starting to think I’m just not cut out for human contact. If I cant/dont have any friends is looking for a relationship expecting way more than what is possible?
Note, i HAVE had friends before, large groups of people id hang out with and id also hangout with them individually. So while I at least was capable at one point i just don’t have any now (or for the last 5-8 years).
30 comments
(32/M) I’m in the same boat. I think it’s a commonality among many men these days. It sucks.
I’m in the EXACT same position and I’m scared to date because what will they think of me when they inevitably realize I literally have no friends or loved ones.
I just turned 32, and live in a new state completely across the country from where everyone I knew was. Starting back at ground zero, met a few people out here to chill with when I have the energy to do so. So much of dealing with people even as friends, and not just a romantic partner is mentally taxing. When I’m on my own, doing loner things, I feel mentally better. But sometimes I do want those group of friends again, and a partner… just can’t always be present in them, which I feel like isn’t something that is fair to them either. While being on my own, I’ve learned to love my own time, and my own space and bringing others into it, just seems stressful anymore. At this point, I’ve kinda written off any romantic relationships since being burned so many times in the past, and trying to avoid that yet again until someone comes along naturally, and not a forced type of interaction.
I’m single for 10 years now
Well I (36M) am sort of in the same boat. I used to have a group of friends but they suddenly left me out of for some dumb reason, I have my best friend that invited me on the holidays to spend time with her but thats fine.
Never said this before but I do want more than this, but I dont even know where to begin to meet people for both friendships and dating. OLD is way too weird for me for some reason and Im too introverted for social stuff.
I just dont know where or how to start.
Are you me??
I feel the same. I work a very social job and have many friends/acquaintances but nobody I really could call “close”. Not even family. It is kind of lonely but I manage.
I’m afraid this is affecting my romantic life as well because I just dont get out much.
You’re not alone. I’m in the same boat* as you.
Edited: a word
34m here, I think this is normal. I’m the same way- my family lives in Florida and a lot of my old friends have families of their own. If I try and reach out I’ll get answers but it’s rare someone hits me up to do stuff (at least, that’s what it feels like).
I think it’s important to remember that everyone has their own life to worry about, and that includes us. We don’t always think about others all the time. It’s just important to keep that in mind- otherwise you’ll find yourself feeling like no one likes you when the truth is everyone is just busy.
39F and same here. It’s the trauma from back-to-back abusive relationships paired with being a solo parent that’s led me to this point. I realize that I have so much left to process before I could even be a decent match for someone. I do get lonely but I also don’t want my son to ever see me be abused like I was before he was born.
As for friends, I have a great group of people at work but I don’t do much with them outside of the office; they’re on very different life paths than I am and most have adult children so their idea of fun is going to bars and what not.
Despite all this, I’d actually say that I’m content. I’m doing ok, my son is thriving, my bills are paid. I’m sure one day there might be someone else but for now I’m ok with where I’m at.
Samesies although it’s hard for me to be alone (kindof). I live alone but in a Latin American country so people stop by randomly all the time and I absolutely love that. But only for no more than 30 minutes. I’m friendly with my neighbors and we all look out for eachother, chit chat here and there. But I’m the only one who doesn’t ever have people constantly coming to visit. Granted, my place is under construction but still, I’ve never been much of a hostess.
I’ve had a harder time getting into groups as I get older because there’s always something I don’t like. For instance, for my sanity and health I had to get sober. I can’t seem to find many sober people and I can not stand sloppy drunks. So that takes away a lot of social interactions. Plus the pandemic further isolating me… and yeah. It’s rough.
Sure, you are not alone. I won’t say that I am “going through” something because I don’t have anyone in my life in that way but I get the feeling that I should be. I don’t like telling this to people because the first emotion that I comes across on their face is like it’s my fault or something and then a concern… But in my heart of hearts, I am content and if I do find someone which trust me is really hard, it’s all good but even if I don’t, I am happy over here.
I am right there with you. It’s actually proven to be a red flag when dating. I had a relationship that seemed to be going really well for 2 years, then she suddenly ended things citing the fact that I “don’t have my own life”.
I’m currently working on trying to build a social life, but my experience so far has been that I get involved with groups/volunteering and end up just focusing on the work and still not making any friendships out of it. It’s hard to make friends as an adult. 🤷♂️
Friendships and relationships take effort. For a lot of people they never learned how to maintain a friendship because you were always just in one. When I was done with school I’d just show up at my friends house. I didn’t call ahead, didn’t schedule anything. It was just accepted that at 4 PM I’d be at J’s house.
As adults it’s a lot harder when you have to think about it. When you have to plan things. When all your fun stuff is in your home, why would you leave? It’s so much easier being alone. You don’t have to go places, you don’t have to do things. You can just be.
It’s not an easy thing to overcome.
As far as friendships go, things that can help are realizing you’ll have a good time. I’ve never regretted hanging out with other people. Scheduling time. My friends know to expect me every other Saturday at noon and we’ll hang out. Getting off social media. Making sure I’m a good friend, if you find someone who does all the leg work of maintaining the friendship… you damn well better show up when they call and bring them gifts and whatnot.
As far as relationships go? It’s a friendship with sex. Most of the same rules apply. Schedule times to just hang out on the regular. “Every Thursday just show up at my place and we’ll figure out what to do from there.” Realize that you’re probably going to have a good time, regardless of what you do. If they are doing the leg work of keeping in touch with you, reciprocate the hell out of it.
That worked for me at least. Best of luck to you.
38m, same situation. Just kind of happens when you get older is my guess.
Am I the outlier for having friends? Or is that a reddit self-selection bias? Often seems like online discussion groups tend to have a higher percentage of introverts than the world at large.
Just wanted to offer my POV, I am 38F and my bf is 42M and he is/was this way when we met.
I am fairly social, definitely have a handful of friends, family and work friends I meet to visit with or go to events. He has zero friends and all his family lives in another state. We met organically at our work building and I could tell he wasn’t used to being social, even in our initial interactions of getting to know each other. For instance he spoke very softly and even his vocabulary and sentence structure stuck out as kinda odd. His hobbies and interests were very personal, solitary type activities that I didn’t know much about so even finding common ground at the start was a bit of a challenge.
But, all this to say we were attracted to each other, enjoyed each others company and I kept an open mind throughout it all and we ended up doing great! All of those quirks at the beginning have ironed out and he even now a year later, will join me at work lunches and family functions and really enjoys himself. He still doesn’t have any personal friends but not sure he wants any? He is naturally an introvert/loner type I think, at this stage of his life anyway.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a loner type lifestyle, if you are confident and fulfilled in how you are it won’t scare anyone off. If it bothers you deeply or you are desperate to change it or are maybe even ashamed of it? ..It might be something the other person can sense and might put a new person off.
Hope my perspective helps, good luck!
36F, and unless I’m at work or with my family, I’m alone. I work with my brother & sister in law, and we occasionally hang out on Saturdays, but I’m alone any other time.
After reading through these comments, I can’t help but think there is some bias here being Reddit and all. I know I’m generalizing quite a bit, but I think users on Reddit tend be more introverted than the rest of the population.
This is mainly a tip for the men, but women may find it useful too: one of the best ways to make yourself more attractive on dates is to work on socializing generally and having a friend group that’s completely separate from the dating world. Women can tell the difference between a guy who has a healthy social life and supportive friend group and guys who do not.
-a guy who used to be totally alone but now has friends and an amazing girlfriend.
Yes, I just exited a toxic relationship where I was forced to leave all my friends for years. I work remotely. I’m 12 hours away from my family.
I am the true definition of alone.
BUT.
It’s kind of freeing. It’s like a fresh start at age 30. Whole new friends to make. Whole new hobbies to start. Whole new life. Except this time I’m older and wiser and I’m a careful gatekeeper on who gets in.
There are people I spend time with and text here and there but mostly… I’m alone. And that’s okay. It’s harder to make friends as an adult. I joined so many damn meet up groups it’s ridiculous, but it has filled a lot of extra time in my life and I’ve met some cool people so far.
Yes, I’ve been feeling this in recent years. I’m close with my family but they’re family and not friends. My siblings have their own families and my parents are elderly.
I had some close friends locally pre-pandemic but they all either went full agoraphobic and don’t want to do anything anymore or they found pandemic relationships and now spend most time with significant others.
I used to work at a job with a lot of friends so I had happy hours and lunch pals and people to chat with from m-f but I changed jobs and now work at a place where people don’t socialize at all.
I have two close friends who live in different states so we text but I don’t have anyone locally to do things with unless I’m dating someone.
I have friends, because having non-romantic supportive relationships is crucial to being a happy, healthy person. And I wouldn’t date a man who doesn’t have friends because he would be relying solely on me for everything he should be getting from a variety of human relationships. That’s a recipe for an unhealthy relationship.
COVID has messed up the social dynamics of human interaction, so don’t feel like you’re alone in this. I spent the lockdown looking at things that I missed and wanted to do. Once restrictions lifted, I went all in. I now run 2 Meetups (technically 3 but I don’t even try to make events for it anymore), frequently host events at work like lunches and movie night in a large conference room, and coordinate activities to do whenever there is a large event that we gather for.
There are people at your work who are likely in the same boat. I recommend looking into what events your coworkers would like (happy hour, movie night, rock climbing, bonfire in the park) and hosting it on a night after work. It will give an excuse to make friends and talk to other people at the venue.
I’m always alone. 33 f
This is why I have a dog.
OP– do you want friends? Or it’s something that you feel fulfilled without? It would be useful to further reflect on that, and if you do in fact want friends and social connectedness, to begin looking for those friendships (i.e., through meetups, friend apps, etc). If you genuinely don’t, that’s OK too, but know that for a lot of folks, it might come off as a red or yellow flag and you should make it clear that you are fine not having that type of socialness in your life and don’t expect to leech off of their social groups only.
Another thing to consider is, that its through close relationships that we gain interpersonal skills that are used in romantic relationships, such as being vulnerable, conflict resolution, compromise, communication. We learn a lot about ourselves from our relationships with other people, not only the romantic ones. So for your own growth, you may want to push out of your comfort zone and gain a few friends.
I’m pretty much like you right now and loving this freedom! Was in a horrible relationship and it’s taking a long time to recover from his jealousy and control issues. Love being alone!
Oh my gosh I understand this. I’m 48F. I work from home so legit don’t see coworkers in the flesh. I have two teen sons who are 16 and 18. I go weeks where I just see them.
I can relate to this 100%! have friends that are more of an acquaintance that you pass by every so often and are just friendly enough with.
The small circle that are friends, don’t ever want to hang out because of life things or live far far away.
For me, I find it kinda frustrating because it can be mentally taxing and the mind tends to wander too much in the deep end.
Hi. 37f and I’m in the same boat. I have friends but they all moved away and got married. It’s really hard. My siblings are about an hour away but they have their own lives. I’m living at home caregiving for my elderly parents and mentally disabled brother. I try to date and make friends but it’s difficult. I recently connected with an ex from hs and we were just too different. He had teenagers and almost a grandpa. It’s weird at this age. It’s either people had children young or just starting and moving away.